Quiet Morning=Impossible

Here is how to be unsatisfied on a cruiseship in a morning:
Desire quiet coffee and maybe a little reading.

This is the buffet at 9 a.m.: “YAAH YAH BLAH BLAH YAH YAH BLAH CLANG CLANG BLAH YAH HAHAHAHAHA BLAH BLAH BLAH!” with old old old people walking at .003 mph with their Metale Accoutrements and mouths open, 8 year olds spazzing around and adult people going “Hiiiii!!!!” and making introductions in the middle of a hallway. So I went outside naturally because it is cold out there and our typical cruise persons don’t like things that don’t feel like the womb (meow catty meow). So my cast mate sat down and said “why are you here it is cold” and told me about the underwear that makes him feel sexy and how a gay dancer likes him and working out and lifting and I told him to stop which obviously made it all more exciting to discuss. Then we were joined by another castmate and then the traffic started to increase and at 9 a.m. on the COLD deck there is a) music and b) 4 people in the hot tub like 10 feet away and there was too much noise and c) the second you have your last bite someone says, with a smile and a latex glove “all finished ma’am?!” and takes your plate. So I went to the reading room, because it is where you READ which you have to do in QUIET, but they leave the door open and people walk by and say “OH THIS IS THE READING ROOM” and the two old people quietly looking out the window start talking in full volume and two 11 year olds start whispering and the old old old .003 mph guy from the cafeteria made it to the reading room and entered, which is not a joke, so I went to the card room 2 doors down which was completely empty and makes people walk by and say “OH THIS IS THE CARD ROOM” and listened to full volume shuffling from the game room and French people talking very loudly and laughing and people going by with “OH I HAVEN’T PLAYED CARDS IN SO LONG I WOULDN’T REMEMBER IF YOU PAID ME” and various endless comments. ENDLESS! ENDLESS COMMENTS! ENDLESS ENDLESS ENDLESS! “LET’S GO TO DAAAAAAD’S FLOOR!” “BLAH BLAH!” “I’M AWAKE AND KNOW HOW TO SPEAK!” and then a Chinese family entered and started opening up the cabinets and probably saying, in Chinese “OH THIS IS THE CARD ROOM!” GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

So I left to hear a woman loudly getting her cellphone “YEAH WE’RE FINE HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU ALL FINE? WE’RE FINE, YEAH YEAH” ENDLESS! END! LE! SSS! Also that call cost her like $5.

And I am hiding in my room now, and now they’re making announcements like this “BING BONG THIS IS THE CAPTAIN” or “BING BONG THIS IS THE CRUISE DIRECTOR” and also the ship is having steering problems and is shaking like crazy and listing back and forth and we heard in detail why we’re not supposed to worry even though it feels like the ship just hit something or is having an earthquake and creaks and stuff fell off our shelves. Oh dear lord he is still making them, I will now type as he talks: There is a leap year sale today and they are competitive with the upcoming ports, 15% of in the Galleria. Our internet café is open on midship deck 9. Our manger is there. He can explain the internet for you. Photo gallery is open. You can get them. ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!! THIS IS ENDLESS!

Cruises are for people with a deep desire for constant stimulus. Jenny came to visit and said “so you live in a casino.” This is accurate.

The past cast people left us ear plugs, and I just understand why. Thank you past cast people.

My favorite moment from yesterday was the room next to us. Two guys decided to take a cruise together, both around 30-ish probably, morbidly obese for LA, hefty for Indianapolis, but something must have happened. I walked by to hear spraying and then “that’s good, that’s good—that’s good!!” with the door open and then was hit with a crazy blast of like half a can of air freshener. One was on the bed, the other was bent over something. Then I saw them later, watching tv, both lying on their bed, with the door open, which I decided was because they had to air out the air freshener. Air freshener doesn’t come with the room. This means one of them packed it, which is probably my favorite part of the story. I hope one was like “oh God, 8 days with Neil, I’m bringing Fabreeze” or one was like “oh God, my feet, Todd is going to freak out to be in the same room with my feet” or one was like “Fine Neil, I’ll come, but listen, you have something wrong with you and if I smell it, you pay for the whole cruise.”