Here is how to be unsatisfied on a cruiseship in a morning:
Desire quiet coffee and maybe a little reading.
This is the buffet at 9 a.m.: “YAAH YAH BLAH BLAH YAH YAH BLAH CLANG CLANG BLAH YAH HAHAHAHAHA BLAH BLAH BLAH!” with old old old people walking at .003 mph with their Metale Accoutrements and mouths open, 8 year olds spazzing around and adult people going “Hiiiii!!!!” and making introductions in the middle of a hallway. So I went outside naturally because it is cold out there and our typical cruise persons don’t like things that don’t feel like the womb (meow catty meow). So my cast mate sat down and said “why are you here it is cold” and told me about the underwear that makes him feel sexy and how a gay dancer likes him and working out and lifting and I told him to stop which obviously made it all more exciting to discuss. Then we were joined by another castmate and then the traffic started to increase and at 9 a.m. on the COLD deck there is a) music and b) 4 people in the hot tub like 10 feet away and there was too much noise and c) the second you have your last bite someone says, with a smile and a latex glove “all finished ma’am?!” and takes your plate. So I went to the reading room, because it is where you READ which you have to do in QUIET, but they leave the door open and people walk by and say “OH THIS IS THE READING ROOM” and the two old people quietly looking out the window start talking in full volume and two 11 year olds start whispering and the old old old .003 mph guy from the cafeteria made it to the reading room and entered, which is not a joke, so I went to the card room 2 doors down which was completely empty and makes people walk by and say “OH THIS IS THE CARD ROOM” and listened to full volume shuffling from the game room and French people talking very loudly and laughing and people going by with “OH I HAVEN’T PLAYED CARDS IN SO LONG I WOULDN’T REMEMBER IF YOU PAID ME” and various endless comments. ENDLESS! ENDLESS COMMENTS! ENDLESS ENDLESS ENDLESS! “LET’S GO TO DAAAAAAD’S FLOOR!” “BLAH BLAH!” “I’M AWAKE AND KNOW HOW TO SPEAK!” and then a Chinese family entered and started opening up the cabinets and probably saying, in Chinese “OH THIS IS THE CARD ROOM!” GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
So I left to hear a woman loudly getting her cellphone “YEAH WE’RE FINE HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU ALL FINE? WE’RE FINE, YEAH YEAH” ENDLESS! END! LE! SSS! Also that call cost her like $5.
And I am hiding in my room now, and now they’re making announcements like this “BING BONG THIS IS THE CAPTAIN” or “BING BONG THIS IS THE CRUISE DIRECTOR” and also the ship is having steering problems and is shaking like crazy and listing back and forth and we heard in detail why we’re not supposed to worry even though it feels like the ship just hit something or is having an earthquake and creaks and stuff fell off our shelves. Oh dear lord he is still making them, I will now type as he talks: There is a leap year sale today and they are competitive with the upcoming ports, 15% of in the Galleria. Our internet café is open on midship deck 9. Our manger is there. He can explain the internet for you. Photo gallery is open. You can get them. ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!! THIS IS ENDLESS!
Cruises are for people with a deep desire for constant stimulus. Jenny came to visit and said “so you live in a casino.” This is accurate.
The past cast people left us ear plugs, and I just understand why. Thank you past cast people.
My favorite moment from yesterday was the room next to us. Two guys decided to take a cruise together, both around 30-ish probably, morbidly obese for LA, hefty for Indianapolis, but something must have happened. I walked by to hear spraying and then “that’s good, that’s good—that’s good!!” with the door open and then was hit with a crazy blast of like half a can of air freshener. One was on the bed, the other was bent over something. Then I saw them later, watching tv, both lying on their bed, with the door open, which I decided was because they had to air out the air freshener. Air freshener doesn’t come with the room. This means one of them packed it, which is probably my favorite part of the story. I hope one was like “oh God, 8 days with Neil, I’m bringing Fabreeze” or one was like “oh God, my feet, Todd is going to freak out to be in the same room with my feet” or one was like “Fine Neil, I’ll come, but listen, you have something wrong with you and if I smell it, you pay for the whole cruise.”
Friday, February 29, 2008
Spa Logic
Spa logiiiiic
We have a spa on board, wand while feeling especially insane and stir crazy, I went to the spa to relax, because that’s what I have in my 13 story house that I share with 2,000 people and 1,000 servants, to quote a castmate.
So I steamed, showered, slept with a book on my wet bikini, heh, and went back to the locker room to change. I was very blissed out and calmly got my stuff out of my locker. It’s like any spa—they give you a key that you wear around your wrist with a little phone cord like holder. So behind me was a standard, middle aged, average sized woman in a bathrobe, just standing there, but I was so relaxed I didn’t care. She goes “well, you’d think they’d give you lockers far away from each other.” I said “what” she said, sarcastically, “I mean there are sooo maaaaaaany of us in here.” I still didn’t get it, then as I was getting dressed, she opened the locker directly next to mine. The whole room was empty. I said “oooh, I see, yeah, I guess you’re right.” She then said, “oh well, I guess I just like logic!” and frowned and cocked her head sideways and pursed her lips like you do when you are a stranger who tells other strangers why things are crazy.
She then got dressed.
She put on a cover-up that was a t-shirt which went to her knees, and on that t-shirt was a cartoon of a woman’s body, very tan, and in a neon-pink thong bikini. Like those shirts guys wear with a 6-pack and pecks airbrushed on the front. The curves of the cartoon boobs and can were accentuated with gold glitter. She was also too short for the cartoon body, so it looked like a vaguely porn-ish woman with incredibly short legs—like legs as long as her torso. I guess she just likes logic!
Also, in teaching improv classes to kids, we have a question and answer session for them. The counselors wisely said “no personal questions” which is handy because in someone’s class, one kid raised his hand and said, “for future reference, how much money do you make?” So this time we got these questions:
a) “Can I tell a joke?”
b) “Can I tell a joke?”
Then after we said “Our show starts tonight at 8:15” a kid said he had a question which was “And what time does it end?”
We have a spa on board, wand while feeling especially insane and stir crazy, I went to the spa to relax, because that’s what I have in my 13 story house that I share with 2,000 people and 1,000 servants, to quote a castmate.
So I steamed, showered, slept with a book on my wet bikini, heh, and went back to the locker room to change. I was very blissed out and calmly got my stuff out of my locker. It’s like any spa—they give you a key that you wear around your wrist with a little phone cord like holder. So behind me was a standard, middle aged, average sized woman in a bathrobe, just standing there, but I was so relaxed I didn’t care. She goes “well, you’d think they’d give you lockers far away from each other.” I said “what” she said, sarcastically, “I mean there are sooo maaaaaaany of us in here.” I still didn’t get it, then as I was getting dressed, she opened the locker directly next to mine. The whole room was empty. I said “oooh, I see, yeah, I guess you’re right.” She then said, “oh well, I guess I just like logic!” and frowned and cocked her head sideways and pursed her lips like you do when you are a stranger who tells other strangers why things are crazy.
She then got dressed.
She put on a cover-up that was a t-shirt which went to her knees, and on that t-shirt was a cartoon of a woman’s body, very tan, and in a neon-pink thong bikini. Like those shirts guys wear with a 6-pack and pecks airbrushed on the front. The curves of the cartoon boobs and can were accentuated with gold glitter. She was also too short for the cartoon body, so it looked like a vaguely porn-ish woman with incredibly short legs—like legs as long as her torso. I guess she just likes logic!
Also, in teaching improv classes to kids, we have a question and answer session for them. The counselors wisely said “no personal questions” which is handy because in someone’s class, one kid raised his hand and said, “for future reference, how much money do you make?” So this time we got these questions:
a) “Can I tell a joke?”
b) “Can I tell a joke?”
Then after we said “Our show starts tonight at 8:15” a kid said he had a question which was “And what time does it end?”
A Visit to Cabo
CABO
We went to cabo, where 3 other cruise ships were in port, which felt like everyone with sellable merchandise was running in circles with their hair on fire. We met 100000000000 mexicans in this way: "whistle lady? Whistle whistle whistle?" also "plate? plate plate plate plate?" also "necklace? Necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace " Then, for the more subtle approach, serious faced men would come up holding 4 different bracelets or necklaces and just put them in your face. Or another guy varied it—he’d come up behind you at lunch in your café, and do a surprise ambush with 15 SILVERNECKLACES ON ONE SIDE!!! and then 1 SILVER NECKLACE ON THE OTHER!!! of: your head. If someone has a mental breakdown and goes “I DO NOT WANT A NECKLACE” and howls for like 1 hour solid, I will not blame them.
My favorite souvenir shirt thus far: I'M SHY but I have a big dick (Puerto Vuellarta) Hilarious. I did not got to the RESORT (tm) in Cabo today, for an identical 4th day. This is prosperous to my mental health and my desire not to eat the same $9 fish fingers. Instead I saw all the yachts in Cabo which provided a diversion, then I said “hey, let’s go into the Rolex store!” for some change of scenery. We did. No one has ever spoken to me in Spanish ever ever because I am an extremely white person and my sunscreens are SPF 70 (face) and SPF 50 (person, via aerosol). My eyebrows are so light it looks like they disappear. A very Mexican stranger bumped into me in Puerto Vallarta and said “excuse me.” The woman behind the counter said “hola, que tal?!” which was creepy and then the armed guards—armed to the point of army fatigues, an AK-47 and bullet proof vest—didn’t make eye contact while the woman pretended she thought we were Mexican and could afford a diamond with 100 facets instead of the crap 46-56 and actually told us about a $65,000 necklace. So we got “necklace?” again but the incredibly high rent version.
There are millions of whales around Cabo, which is still weird. I never realized that beached whales can still breathe, they are crushed by their own body weight or because their skin dries out. Also, I do not understand how they can have the whole ocean as a home, even though they have to leave certain parts of it. I don't understand how they can migrate so much and have no little den anywhere. I know that is insane, but I am being honest.
We went to cabo, where 3 other cruise ships were in port, which felt like everyone with sellable merchandise was running in circles with their hair on fire. We met 100000000000 mexicans in this way: "whistle lady? Whistle whistle whistle?" also "plate? plate plate plate plate?" also "necklace? Necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace " Then, for the more subtle approach, serious faced men would come up holding 4 different bracelets or necklaces and just put them in your face. Or another guy varied it—he’d come up behind you at lunch in your café, and do a surprise ambush with 15 SILVERNECKLACES ON ONE SIDE!!! and then 1 SILVER NECKLACE ON THE OTHER!!! of: your head. If someone has a mental breakdown and goes “I DO NOT WANT A NECKLACE” and howls for like 1 hour solid, I will not blame them.
My favorite souvenir shirt thus far: I'M SHY but I have a big dick (Puerto Vuellarta) Hilarious. I did not got to the RESORT (tm) in Cabo today, for an identical 4th day. This is prosperous to my mental health and my desire not to eat the same $9 fish fingers. Instead I saw all the yachts in Cabo which provided a diversion, then I said “hey, let’s go into the Rolex store!” for some change of scenery. We did. No one has ever spoken to me in Spanish ever ever because I am an extremely white person and my sunscreens are SPF 70 (face) and SPF 50 (person, via aerosol). My eyebrows are so light it looks like they disappear. A very Mexican stranger bumped into me in Puerto Vallarta and said “excuse me.” The woman behind the counter said “hola, que tal?!” which was creepy and then the armed guards—armed to the point of army fatigues, an AK-47 and bullet proof vest—didn’t make eye contact while the woman pretended she thought we were Mexican and could afford a diamond with 100 facets instead of the crap 46-56 and actually told us about a $65,000 necklace. So we got “necklace?” again but the incredibly high rent version.
There are millions of whales around Cabo, which is still weird. I never realized that beached whales can still breathe, they are crushed by their own body weight or because their skin dries out. Also, I do not understand how they can have the whole ocean as a home, even though they have to leave certain parts of it. I don't understand how they can migrate so much and have no little den anywhere. I know that is insane, but I am being honest.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Elderly Funn
We had lunch with an older couple, Gloria and Bill, from Chicago—“well, the suburbs” in the main dining room. It was very hilarious. She was a 5’ tall firecracker who is a real estate broker because she can do it whenever she wants and she is NOT going to retire because “retired people get bored and then they get really negative. We have each other so if the other one starts to get negative, we just say ‘hey! Stop it!’” She also complained of the society of the elderly, insofar as her retired friends “always want to go to 2 for 1 dinners or use coupons or eat at a certain time. Ugh, I just don’t want to do that. So it’s easier to just invite them over. Although they never reciprocate.” She also said about retiring: “I mean how many lunches can you have and how much golf can you play. I mean how many hours can you volunteer.” Which made me want to jump off a bridge.
Gloria informed us that she was very with it, because she has a Treo and also knows how to text message her grand children, which their OTHER grandmother, who is a little YOUNGER than she is does NOT know how to do. She also has over 500 real estate contacts and she also had full braces, which was impressive and made a statement because she had to be like 70 at least. My castmate/coworker/cronie Mark told her he was a vegetarian, which she wanted to discuss to the point of bothering him to talk about factory farming, and then she said she related because she is very concerned about conserving water, to the point that she times her grandchildren’s showers. She was sorry to get a more sophisticated house because before she would go downstairs and turn off the pump. Now she says she walks in there and says “you have one more minute to wash your hair—and you have to say that because they’re just in there writing on the shower door or something.” She says she teaches them all “waste not want not” and informed us that her kids have an artistic bent too and that hopefully we’ll make it big before she hits a wheelchair. They were both very sure of the fact that we have chosen the appropriate time of life to do this.
She was also hilariously sure of her grand daughter’s poor singing ability and told us “well, my grand daughter got cast in the lead of My Fair Lady at her school. She’s not a good singer but I guess she was the best they could find. They’re having someone come in to work with her but I told her to join the chorus.” This made Mark and I laugh out loud and then quickly stop because apparently this was not a joke.
We also covered the Prince of Dubai and the fact that on OTHER ships (people love talking about this) you can get a BUTLER who will bring you coffee and fresh fruit to your ROOM. And on OTHER ships there is an indoor ice skating rink and ice shows and a rock climbing wall. They were NOT happy with our cruise line because they KEPT messing up the coffee order and they even got a towel with holes. They got a cab driver to take them around Zhuatenejo and Ixtapa and wait while they had breakfast and while they got a massage—“you walk right through Senor Frog’s and go right on the beach and there are little huts there where you can get a massage for $15 for half an hour. They gave them to men and women at once—very discreet. Oh we loved Ixtapa.”
Mark and I got off and fully explored Zhuatenejo. When you walk around there for a while, and this is a little tourist coastal town, you find a lot of young army guys with very serious AK-47 type guns. Just, you know, hanging around. We also went into the market, with very few gringos, which was very cool, except for the incredibly large amount of very dead chickens who still had their heads, but no feathers and smelled faintly of fetal pig. Also all sorts of meat hanging from string and pegs or kinda sitting on a counter. The market was very cool, and there is no way in hell I will ever belong in Mexico because I am way too tall and way too white, so I will always wear I AM A TOURIST grade shorts and running shoes because who cares. Unfortunately I would also make an attractive kidnapping. Since like 2,000 whities visit one town at once and the jungle is close by, I am guessing this is why there were so many cops. Or death cops.
Also, while sitting on a side street to rest in the shade briefly, we saw guys coming back to their apartments from fleecing the tourists (with a guitar, or an accordion. One drunken pair consisted of a guy with a level. Obviously.) we also heard a guy shout to another guy “Cabbrone. Vamanos.” Which is “hey asshole, let’s go.” Ah the universal language of friendship.
Gloria informed us that she was very with it, because she has a Treo and also knows how to text message her grand children, which their OTHER grandmother, who is a little YOUNGER than she is does NOT know how to do. She also has over 500 real estate contacts and she also had full braces, which was impressive and made a statement because she had to be like 70 at least. My castmate/coworker/cronie Mark told her he was a vegetarian, which she wanted to discuss to the point of bothering him to talk about factory farming, and then she said she related because she is very concerned about conserving water, to the point that she times her grandchildren’s showers. She was sorry to get a more sophisticated house because before she would go downstairs and turn off the pump. Now she says she walks in there and says “you have one more minute to wash your hair—and you have to say that because they’re just in there writing on the shower door or something.” She says she teaches them all “waste not want not” and informed us that her kids have an artistic bent too and that hopefully we’ll make it big before she hits a wheelchair. They were both very sure of the fact that we have chosen the appropriate time of life to do this.
She was also hilariously sure of her grand daughter’s poor singing ability and told us “well, my grand daughter got cast in the lead of My Fair Lady at her school. She’s not a good singer but I guess she was the best they could find. They’re having someone come in to work with her but I told her to join the chorus.” This made Mark and I laugh out loud and then quickly stop because apparently this was not a joke.
We also covered the Prince of Dubai and the fact that on OTHER ships (people love talking about this) you can get a BUTLER who will bring you coffee and fresh fruit to your ROOM. And on OTHER ships there is an indoor ice skating rink and ice shows and a rock climbing wall. They were NOT happy with our cruise line because they KEPT messing up the coffee order and they even got a towel with holes. They got a cab driver to take them around Zhuatenejo and Ixtapa and wait while they had breakfast and while they got a massage—“you walk right through Senor Frog’s and go right on the beach and there are little huts there where you can get a massage for $15 for half an hour. They gave them to men and women at once—very discreet. Oh we loved Ixtapa.”
Mark and I got off and fully explored Zhuatenejo. When you walk around there for a while, and this is a little tourist coastal town, you find a lot of young army guys with very serious AK-47 type guns. Just, you know, hanging around. We also went into the market, with very few gringos, which was very cool, except for the incredibly large amount of very dead chickens who still had their heads, but no feathers and smelled faintly of fetal pig. Also all sorts of meat hanging from string and pegs or kinda sitting on a counter. The market was very cool, and there is no way in hell I will ever belong in Mexico because I am way too tall and way too white, so I will always wear I AM A TOURIST grade shorts and running shoes because who cares. Unfortunately I would also make an attractive kidnapping. Since like 2,000 whities visit one town at once and the jungle is close by, I am guessing this is why there were so many cops. Or death cops.
Also, while sitting on a side street to rest in the shade briefly, we saw guys coming back to their apartments from fleecing the tourists (with a guitar, or an accordion. One drunken pair consisted of a guy with a level. Obviously.) we also heard a guy shout to another guy “Cabbrone. Vamanos.” Which is “hey asshole, let’s go.” Ah the universal language of friendship.
The Other Shows
It is very difficult to understand that we actually live here. I have realized it fully by protesting the musical theatre shows that we see out of support three times a week. The only problem is that these are the exact same shows with only minute changes. These dancers are called the Jars. They are going to be our deepest friends apparently. Two of them are French so we are going to have a French table where we speak French. Or they speak French and we struggle and accidentally swear. This is what happens when you were fluent in French 10 years ago, and you are saying 10 because 12 seems too overwhelming, even though it is the truth, and by “you” I mean “me.”
During one Jar show, there is a dramatic point where the lead singer jumps of stage (very impressive jump) and runs up the aisle, across the audience, and down the other aisle and then hops back up on stage. The theater seats like 1,900 or something insane. He gets the audience rallied and makes them sing “we will rock you” along with the other young hotties on stage. He has a wireless mike on his face. There is a lot of “c’mon y’all! Sing it with me!” He is followed by a spotlight and he wears sequins. This all combined with disaster when he said “c’mon y’all! sing it with me!!” and stopped in front of a very obese gray haired gentleman with a large beard that flowed down onto his chest. Said gentlemen was just startled and looked down and back and forth really quickly and didn’t do anything, which we all saw because he was in a spotlight.
Also, during cruise ship shows, people freely come in and leave, even if it is the front row, where we also saw a guy texting and using his phone to read the program—this was during a show where someone heartfelt-edly sings “Memory” from yes, obviously, Cats. This is also during our shows, it is fine, that’s how it is, that’s the deal. This also happens when we, say, are teaching a seminar that is apparently boring or maybe not loud enough (ZING! ELDERLY! ZING!) When said Jar was doing his run up the aisle, across the audience, down the aisle, an Asian family came in to take a seat during that song, so a 6 year-old girl found herself in the spotlight, totally in the way of the singer trying to haul ass to get back on stage to keep singing We Will Rock You. She got tangled up in his legs staring back at her mom for like 3 stair-steps, while this terrifying dynamo is going "HAHAHA C'MON Y'ALL!! HAHAHA!"
It is also very difficult to remember that you are not 75 or older and usually keep your mouth in the open position. It is very difficult. Sometimes you have to hide in your room and read books to attempt to remember this. Books about people who are YOUNG! and have no problems. I saw a young guy on the boat and openly gawked and all he was was 30-ish and not obese or walking like he only had joints in his waist and knees. Insane.
During one Jar show, there is a dramatic point where the lead singer jumps of stage (very impressive jump) and runs up the aisle, across the audience, and down the other aisle and then hops back up on stage. The theater seats like 1,900 or something insane. He gets the audience rallied and makes them sing “we will rock you” along with the other young hotties on stage. He has a wireless mike on his face. There is a lot of “c’mon y’all! Sing it with me!” He is followed by a spotlight and he wears sequins. This all combined with disaster when he said “c’mon y’all! sing it with me!!” and stopped in front of a very obese gray haired gentleman with a large beard that flowed down onto his chest. Said gentlemen was just startled and looked down and back and forth really quickly and didn’t do anything, which we all saw because he was in a spotlight.
Also, during cruise ship shows, people freely come in and leave, even if it is the front row, where we also saw a guy texting and using his phone to read the program—this was during a show where someone heartfelt-edly sings “Memory” from yes, obviously, Cats. This is also during our shows, it is fine, that’s how it is, that’s the deal. This also happens when we, say, are teaching a seminar that is apparently boring or maybe not loud enough (ZING! ELDERLY! ZING!) When said Jar was doing his run up the aisle, across the audience, down the aisle, an Asian family came in to take a seat during that song, so a 6 year-old girl found herself in the spotlight, totally in the way of the singer trying to haul ass to get back on stage to keep singing We Will Rock You. She got tangled up in his legs staring back at her mom for like 3 stair-steps, while this terrifying dynamo is going "HAHAHA C'MON Y'ALL!! HAHAHA!"
It is also very difficult to remember that you are not 75 or older and usually keep your mouth in the open position. It is very difficult. Sometimes you have to hide in your room and read books to attempt to remember this. Books about people who are YOUNG! and have no problems. I saw a young guy on the boat and openly gawked and all he was was 30-ish and not obese or walking like he only had joints in his waist and knees. Insane.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
To Be Sick Upon a Cruise Ship
I have had a plague for a few days. Not the crazy vomit/crapping sickness, just a boring cold that might be partially flu that when you walk around for like 25 minutes, you immediately want to go to bed. Or if you start to watch a movie, you pass out. But more than that, I have finally dealt with my stomach, which constantly hurts, which has constantly hurt since I started the cruise. I finally went to the infirmary thing while everyone else was out on a smaller fun boat, cruising around the bay of Acapulco, drinking and making out, even though the magician was also on board with his mom. And the engine died for a half hour (oh Mexico). So.
The infirmary is on deck 4 and staffed by a Filipino nurse and a South African doctor. They were very stressed because an extremely old man and wife were down there with their extremely old son. The extremely old man maybe had a stroke, and they were trying to figure it out with x-rays (yes, they have that machine on the boat) and a bunch of running around and making the guy sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, etc. They were trying to see if he should disembark, even though he was trying to talk them out of it. His wife said “WHERE’RE YOUR SHOES!” because he was shuffling around without them, and he also said “ANNETTE!” after struggling to take off his necklace before he got his xray. The Filipino nurse came up to them and gently explained what was going to happen. Then she walked away and extremely old man said to his wife “What’d she say?!” and extremely old wife said “I don’t know!” Then son came down and spoke to them in the appropriate volume.
Meanwhile, myself and other crew members, dressed in their uniforms, complete with apron (I don’t understand) were moved to the more inconvenient chairs around the corner and out of sight from the extremely old people. There I sat between two waiters, one of whom froze and said “Spires and gar…mutter” which was the chapter heading of my very boring F. Scott Fitzgerald book that he was clearly reading over my shoulder. Then he got bored and went back to shaking his leg, and I don’t blame him because I barely care about Princeton in the 1940’s, why should a waiter from the Phillipines. The nurse got ripped a new one over the phone from a passenger, who then brought her son down to the medical center. Passenger said “when you tell me the same thing over and over again, it is irritating” in a loud mouthy way that would indicate she is from California. Her son also had GI, and was therefore profusely vomiting, but they had a loud back and forth about whether or not there was also diarrhea. I decided he did not have GI apparently because I scratched my eye. No one in the infirmary joked around at all, the Filipino nurse said clearly to everybody that came in, including a room service guy (?) who took the GI kid back to his room in a wheelchair: “fully sanitize that chair when you are done.” And “call cleaning to have them fully sanitize that bathroom.” There were a lot of silent and serious nods. My favorite was when the nurse said “Where’s your pee!” to me, referring to a urine sample and I saw her test for something, which involved her putting in like a pH stick and going “well, you don’t have that” out loud in the bathroom.
Then more passengers came in and crew members started coming in, but the nurse made the crew members sit in the hall, behind a closed door. I think none of the crew members got helped, except for me on a fluke. After about 2.5 hours, I was told that my stomach pain is qualified as “general abdominal pain” and got hard core ibuprofen. So I decided that it was all in my head and logically celebrated with ice cream and double dessert.
To note: there is an intensive care unit in the ship’s medical center, along with an operating theater.
To note: if you stay on the ship during the longest port day, which is what I did due to my plague, you will feast your eyes on a cornucopia of very very elderly people. Most of them have the walker with the seat in it, some of them prefer to sit on that walker instead of a normal chair in the buffet, one of them prefers to do that and tuck the napkin in her collar. There is a lot of elderly hair dye going on on this cruise, and also a passenger with incredible plastic surgery. She doesn’t look like a plastic surgery widget a la Los Angeles, but she looks oddly 38 with 24 year old textured skin, and must be in her mid-60’s, because her buddy looks about that. I heard her violently flip out about white shoes and how terrible her friend/daughter’s white shoes are and how dirty they are and “she spends $200 on necklaces, you’re telling me she can’t get a new pair of white shoes???”
To note: I also witnessed an elderly take over of the buffet line. About 10 elderly adults worked in a unit and cut in front of a 30’s-ish woman. They ran around and looked serious and didn’t make eye contact holding their silverware/napkin roll and informed said 30’s-ish woman that “if we don’t want salad we can cut ahead” even though the 15-odd other people didn’t hear that rule and also that rule is a lie that they made up. Then another extremely old woman walked right in front of a cast mate and said “oh the lines must merge.” Cast mate said “no, the line is this long one and ends over there,” extremely old couple went ahead and cut. ELDERLY TYRANNY!
The infirmary is on deck 4 and staffed by a Filipino nurse and a South African doctor. They were very stressed because an extremely old man and wife were down there with their extremely old son. The extremely old man maybe had a stroke, and they were trying to figure it out with x-rays (yes, they have that machine on the boat) and a bunch of running around and making the guy sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, etc. They were trying to see if he should disembark, even though he was trying to talk them out of it. His wife said “WHERE’RE YOUR SHOES!” because he was shuffling around without them, and he also said “ANNETTE!” after struggling to take off his necklace before he got his xray. The Filipino nurse came up to them and gently explained what was going to happen. Then she walked away and extremely old man said to his wife “What’d she say?!” and extremely old wife said “I don’t know!” Then son came down and spoke to them in the appropriate volume.
Meanwhile, myself and other crew members, dressed in their uniforms, complete with apron (I don’t understand) were moved to the more inconvenient chairs around the corner and out of sight from the extremely old people. There I sat between two waiters, one of whom froze and said “Spires and gar…mutter” which was the chapter heading of my very boring F. Scott Fitzgerald book that he was clearly reading over my shoulder. Then he got bored and went back to shaking his leg, and I don’t blame him because I barely care about Princeton in the 1940’s, why should a waiter from the Phillipines. The nurse got ripped a new one over the phone from a passenger, who then brought her son down to the medical center. Passenger said “when you tell me the same thing over and over again, it is irritating” in a loud mouthy way that would indicate she is from California. Her son also had GI, and was therefore profusely vomiting, but they had a loud back and forth about whether or not there was also diarrhea. I decided he did not have GI apparently because I scratched my eye. No one in the infirmary joked around at all, the Filipino nurse said clearly to everybody that came in, including a room service guy (?) who took the GI kid back to his room in a wheelchair: “fully sanitize that chair when you are done.” And “call cleaning to have them fully sanitize that bathroom.” There were a lot of silent and serious nods. My favorite was when the nurse said “Where’s your pee!” to me, referring to a urine sample and I saw her test for something, which involved her putting in like a pH stick and going “well, you don’t have that” out loud in the bathroom.
Then more passengers came in and crew members started coming in, but the nurse made the crew members sit in the hall, behind a closed door. I think none of the crew members got helped, except for me on a fluke. After about 2.5 hours, I was told that my stomach pain is qualified as “general abdominal pain” and got hard core ibuprofen. So I decided that it was all in my head and logically celebrated with ice cream and double dessert.
To note: there is an intensive care unit in the ship’s medical center, along with an operating theater.
To note: if you stay on the ship during the longest port day, which is what I did due to my plague, you will feast your eyes on a cornucopia of very very elderly people. Most of them have the walker with the seat in it, some of them prefer to sit on that walker instead of a normal chair in the buffet, one of them prefers to do that and tuck the napkin in her collar. There is a lot of elderly hair dye going on on this cruise, and also a passenger with incredible plastic surgery. She doesn’t look like a plastic surgery widget a la Los Angeles, but she looks oddly 38 with 24 year old textured skin, and must be in her mid-60’s, because her buddy looks about that. I heard her violently flip out about white shoes and how terrible her friend/daughter’s white shoes are and how dirty they are and “she spends $200 on necklaces, you’re telling me she can’t get a new pair of white shoes???”
To note: I also witnessed an elderly take over of the buffet line. About 10 elderly adults worked in a unit and cut in front of a 30’s-ish woman. They ran around and looked serious and didn’t make eye contact holding their silverware/napkin roll and informed said 30’s-ish woman that “if we don’t want salad we can cut ahead” even though the 15-odd other people didn’t hear that rule and also that rule is a lie that they made up. Then another extremely old woman walked right in front of a cast mate and said “oh the lines must merge.” Cast mate said “no, the line is this long one and ends over there,” extremely old couple went ahead and cut. ELDERLY TYRANNY!
Tour of the Bridge
We took a tour of the bridge today. The bridge is where the captain and pilot sit and drive the boat. It was very impressive and amazing and we felt like we were intruding or witnessing Very Incredible. The first officer said quietly as we were leaving, “well…it’s pretty boring, but it’s my job ha ha ha so I guess I like it.”
The first officer’s favorite part of everything was dropping the anchor. He likes this because it “falls very fast.” You can control the speed that the anchor falls. There is a button marked “LET GO.” There is also 4 steps in dropping the anchor (like open the door, prep the anchor, something else, LET GO).
The first and second officer were also concerned with the security cameras and spent time explaining why the cameras in their bridge were better than any of the other ships. The security cameras are the brand “Silent Witness” which is terrifying. In the other ships, they are aimed on the face of the first and second officer. This is a real problem because two people were immediately fired for sleeping on watch. The guy who slept, and the guy who didn’t wake up the guy who was sleeping. They said “I mean he closed his eyes for 5 minutes!” They think this is draconian.
The bridge is very unreal, mainly because there is so much empty space. It’s a huge room with about 3 consoles to control the ship. These are massive with screens and computers and tons and tons of knobs. There is one that hangs over the port (left) side, one on the right side (starboard haaaay terminology) and one in front (…fore). The one in front has seating for 2. There is also a window above them that passengers can look down to see the officers driving the ship. The officers call this window “monkey mountain.” They do not like it when passengers tap on the glass, but they have a handy button that will close the monkey mountain window. This window goes to the Spinnaker Lounge, a huge bar/nightclubbie thing that has 70’s parties, 80’s parties, a New Year’s Eve party on the first night of the cruise EVERY cruise, random improv shows (us), and Bingo, which is silent and will put anyone in a coma, but is heavily advertised and adored by select extremely old farts.
The first officer is unwilling to explain the fuel tanks to me in a way I find satisfying, because he and everyone thinks it is obvious. They keep brushing me off with a “yeah yeah” or telling me things in cubic meters or tonnage and try to change the subject. I said “is it as big as the bridge?” and he said “well, you can see on the map, it’s about that size” which was like a ½ inch on the map and made no sense. So I said “so like, half the bridge?” and he said “…yeah sure” and I said “how tall is it? Is it like 14 feet tall?” and he said “what? No no no no” because that is obvious. Someday I WILL SEE THE FUEL!
There are also stabilizer arms that go out horizontally from the ship to stop the rocking. The tour guide thought this was obvious and boring. I was fascinated. He did not want to give measurements until I told him “so is it like 12 feet long” which is so stupid he was shocked. It is 8 meters long and about 3 meters wide. They can only put out one because there is so much drag and it eats up your fuel.
Also, the water we use? I thought we brought it all from LA. No. They desalinate ocean water. The ship uses water at a rate of 40 gallons per minute. We all thought that was insane, but 40 gallons of water for 3,000 persons? I have no idea what this means. Also, they can shift where the water is on the ship, all electronically, to stabilize it. The first officer thought it was interesting that they shift water electronically. I had no idea they even shift water. Clearly we tell jokes and make fun of things, not make machines work.
Also, the bridge is where the captain and cruise director make their announcements. The bridge is clean, silent, with a few random ficas trees, calm blue carpet, people in white uniforms and also (obviously) a 6’ tall white hand cut out of metal on two springs that waves. This is because people wave at the ship? And this way they are always waving back? The first officer was kind of confused about it. Anyway, it is dead silent. Very serene. The captain’s announcements usually go like this “uuuuh…..well……..so………..the depth of the…….uh……..ocean………..is 1200 meters! And ………uh………the wind! Is uh……going Northwest!......across the………uh……….deck……” and he randomly says hilarious things like “keep an open mind” or gets quiet and philosophical and says “good health……if you don’t have that……uh………..nothing else matters.” I mean he talks for at least 5 minutes. This makes sense when you see the bridge. They are bored. It is silent. Still, everywhere else on the ship, the passengers are kept entertained like bored little ADD gerbils. So everyone is quiet for the “good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain” and then returns to their gerbil activity which is really, let’s be honest, eating something.
Random vocab:
Hogging: if the ship bends like it is over a barrel and has a kinda hump back
Sogging: if the ship bends into a U.
There are gauges for this. Weeee-aird.
The first officer’s favorite part of everything was dropping the anchor. He likes this because it “falls very fast.” You can control the speed that the anchor falls. There is a button marked “LET GO.” There is also 4 steps in dropping the anchor (like open the door, prep the anchor, something else, LET GO).
The first and second officer were also concerned with the security cameras and spent time explaining why the cameras in their bridge were better than any of the other ships. The security cameras are the brand “Silent Witness” which is terrifying. In the other ships, they are aimed on the face of the first and second officer. This is a real problem because two people were immediately fired for sleeping on watch. The guy who slept, and the guy who didn’t wake up the guy who was sleeping. They said “I mean he closed his eyes for 5 minutes!” They think this is draconian.
The bridge is very unreal, mainly because there is so much empty space. It’s a huge room with about 3 consoles to control the ship. These are massive with screens and computers and tons and tons of knobs. There is one that hangs over the port (left) side, one on the right side (starboard haaaay terminology) and one in front (…fore). The one in front has seating for 2. There is also a window above them that passengers can look down to see the officers driving the ship. The officers call this window “monkey mountain.” They do not like it when passengers tap on the glass, but they have a handy button that will close the monkey mountain window. This window goes to the Spinnaker Lounge, a huge bar/nightclubbie thing that has 70’s parties, 80’s parties, a New Year’s Eve party on the first night of the cruise EVERY cruise, random improv shows (us), and Bingo, which is silent and will put anyone in a coma, but is heavily advertised and adored by select extremely old farts.
The first officer is unwilling to explain the fuel tanks to me in a way I find satisfying, because he and everyone thinks it is obvious. They keep brushing me off with a “yeah yeah” or telling me things in cubic meters or tonnage and try to change the subject. I said “is it as big as the bridge?” and he said “well, you can see on the map, it’s about that size” which was like a ½ inch on the map and made no sense. So I said “so like, half the bridge?” and he said “…yeah sure” and I said “how tall is it? Is it like 14 feet tall?” and he said “what? No no no no” because that is obvious. Someday I WILL SEE THE FUEL!
There are also stabilizer arms that go out horizontally from the ship to stop the rocking. The tour guide thought this was obvious and boring. I was fascinated. He did not want to give measurements until I told him “so is it like 12 feet long” which is so stupid he was shocked. It is 8 meters long and about 3 meters wide. They can only put out one because there is so much drag and it eats up your fuel.
Also, the water we use? I thought we brought it all from LA. No. They desalinate ocean water. The ship uses water at a rate of 40 gallons per minute. We all thought that was insane, but 40 gallons of water for 3,000 persons? I have no idea what this means. Also, they can shift where the water is on the ship, all electronically, to stabilize it. The first officer thought it was interesting that they shift water electronically. I had no idea they even shift water. Clearly we tell jokes and make fun of things, not make machines work.
Also, the bridge is where the captain and cruise director make their announcements. The bridge is clean, silent, with a few random ficas trees, calm blue carpet, people in white uniforms and also (obviously) a 6’ tall white hand cut out of metal on two springs that waves. This is because people wave at the ship? And this way they are always waving back? The first officer was kind of confused about it. Anyway, it is dead silent. Very serene. The captain’s announcements usually go like this “uuuuh…..well……..so………..the depth of the…….uh……..ocean………..is 1200 meters! And ………uh………the wind! Is uh……going Northwest!......across the………uh……….deck……” and he randomly says hilarious things like “keep an open mind” or gets quiet and philosophical and says “good health……if you don’t have that……uh………..nothing else matters.” I mean he talks for at least 5 minutes. This makes sense when you see the bridge. They are bored. It is silent. Still, everywhere else on the ship, the passengers are kept entertained like bored little ADD gerbils. So everyone is quiet for the “good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain” and then returns to their gerbil activity which is really, let’s be honest, eating something.
Random vocab:
Hogging: if the ship bends like it is over a barrel and has a kinda hump back
Sogging: if the ship bends into a U.
There are gauges for this. Weeee-aird.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Workshops!
We are teaching improv workshops. It is wonderful because here are the questions we are always asked: “so, don’t you want to be on Saturday Night Live? I mean, is that the ultimate goal?” and then “so is this a good way to retire?” or “so can you retire with this?” or “so is this going to be what will let you retire?” This is mainly because it is filled with retirees. Retirees who maybe don’t want to do too much improv. Retirees who when you actually improvise with them, say this: “Poop.” And then after the big laugh “that always gets them.” Then that person sits down and quietly asks us questions with the “don’t you think your life is pointless” type undercurrent. It’s pretty fun and amazing. The fact that I want to kill everyone is totally unrelated. I will have to create some lie that will satisfy them, preferably one that mentions Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams. Here was a question: “so…do you think people like Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams and that are just too crazy?” Or, from a small woman who looked like the grandma from the Beverly Hillbillies, but with her hair out of the bun and sitting under what is clearly a pashmina-inspired brown wrap and her keycard on a lanyard “what about that Wayne Brady show?” which they haven’t filmed for several years. She then under her breath said “I don’t know why you’d do something and not get paid for it.” Thus, from here on out it will be bold lies. I am going to say I was on a sitcom for 4 years, but it was pornographic and in German.
We found out that Abraham Lincoln’s great great great great great whatever great grandson is working on board Royal Carribean cruiseline as a musician. He is apparently very tall and thin and a huge hit with the ladies and in a certain light, looks just like Abe Lincoln. This is my favorite new fact from today.
We found out that Abraham Lincoln’s great great great great great whatever great grandson is working on board Royal Carribean cruiseline as a musician. He is apparently very tall and thin and a huge hit with the ladies and in a certain light, looks just like Abe Lincoln. This is my favorite new fact from today.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Valentine's Day
Now I see just how pervasive the fist pound is across global cultures. Everyone pounds fists in greeting, which 1) prevents the spread of GI because we’re not supposed to shake hands and 2) looks hilarious when it is between a tiny Indian and a Canadian or a nerdy gay dancer and a Filipino. But it is very friendly. One of the singers, who sings every night for 2 hours, said she will just never tell anyone in the main ship’s crew that she is tired because they work for like 12 hours straight. This makes sense. I almost slept by the pool, but thought better of it. I am a martyr!!!
There seems to be a small Jabba the Hut motif among the passengers by the pool.
They threw a large party for the crew for Valentine’s Day. The youth counselors all bartended, which means they opened beers as quickly as possible and poured wine as quickly as possible, and everybody walked up and inhaled them as quickly as possible. People threw ice at each other for a little bit and one of the dancers took down the “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY” banner and wore it as a necklace and a skirt and divided it up with other people too. Some of the dancers got on the dance floor, which is not fair because they are professionals, but we were saved by the band saying “NOW BACK IT UP!” “NOW STEP TO THE RIGHT!” so it was harder for them to be inventive and original and gorgeous. A French gentleman got hit with the ice and was very upset because it went down his shirt and into his pants. In an effort get rid of the ice, we saw some of his white and black speedo-ish underwear. I was shy for him and a South African said “oh the French don’t care, they’ll show you anything” so I guess South Africans don’t like the French either? Apparently there is a rule amongst the crew that they are never allowed to get drunk because at any point there could be a drill and people would have to go and man their stations. So. Security, which is Nepalese and trained in an ancient Nepalese martial art apparently (this is not a lie), can come and randomly give a crew member a breathalyzer. If said member fails this breathalyzer, said member can be left at the next port. There is a lot of leaving-at-next port apparently. That is the threat that they…apparently do. We technically can’t do all sorts of things, but since they are not allowed to search our rooms or give us random tests, we are never going to be caught. Everyone else: has random room searches and drug tests, etc.
In a moment of post-party glee, I sat in someone’s Rascal that was parked outside of their room on our floor. There are a lot of Rascals (those are those motorized wheelchair things) and canes and general oldie-moldy-accessories. My favorite was watching one Rascal rider get very annoyed with another Rascal rider who was blocking his way to the elevator say “EXCUSE ME, guuuuH!” You are not supposed to sit on random strangers’ Rascals, even though it is a random padded chair, because there are cameras everywhere watched by some nationality and enforced by the Nepalese and apparently this is something that can get you left at the next port. Or rather, if you get drunk, then naked and then drive it around in a hallway, which apparently someone did, which is hilarious. Mom, I did not do this.
I should note that these Nepalese people say “namaste” to each other, because that means “hello.” This is delightful because I am used to serious white people saying it at the end of yoga classes very seriously and bowing over hands in the prayer position and then explaining “this means the god in me salutes the god in you. Namaste.” I would love to witness the Nepalese CRUISESHIP DEATH SQUAD! witness this.
We met a passenger who said “Hey I have an idea for you—Ozzy Ozborne meets Ozzy Nelson. Wouldn’t that be great!!!”
My other favorite quote:
“I was working out with one of the Russians.”
“Which one.”
“Um… the feather haired one?”
Everyone: “oh yeah yeah yeah.”
There seems to be a small Jabba the Hut motif among the passengers by the pool.
They threw a large party for the crew for Valentine’s Day. The youth counselors all bartended, which means they opened beers as quickly as possible and poured wine as quickly as possible, and everybody walked up and inhaled them as quickly as possible. People threw ice at each other for a little bit and one of the dancers took down the “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY” banner and wore it as a necklace and a skirt and divided it up with other people too. Some of the dancers got on the dance floor, which is not fair because they are professionals, but we were saved by the band saying “NOW BACK IT UP!” “NOW STEP TO THE RIGHT!” so it was harder for them to be inventive and original and gorgeous. A French gentleman got hit with the ice and was very upset because it went down his shirt and into his pants. In an effort get rid of the ice, we saw some of his white and black speedo-ish underwear. I was shy for him and a South African said “oh the French don’t care, they’ll show you anything” so I guess South Africans don’t like the French either? Apparently there is a rule amongst the crew that they are never allowed to get drunk because at any point there could be a drill and people would have to go and man their stations. So. Security, which is Nepalese and trained in an ancient Nepalese martial art apparently (this is not a lie), can come and randomly give a crew member a breathalyzer. If said member fails this breathalyzer, said member can be left at the next port. There is a lot of leaving-at-next port apparently. That is the threat that they…apparently do. We technically can’t do all sorts of things, but since they are not allowed to search our rooms or give us random tests, we are never going to be caught. Everyone else: has random room searches and drug tests, etc.
In a moment of post-party glee, I sat in someone’s Rascal that was parked outside of their room on our floor. There are a lot of Rascals (those are those motorized wheelchair things) and canes and general oldie-moldy-accessories. My favorite was watching one Rascal rider get very annoyed with another Rascal rider who was blocking his way to the elevator say “EXCUSE ME, guuuuH!” You are not supposed to sit on random strangers’ Rascals, even though it is a random padded chair, because there are cameras everywhere watched by some nationality and enforced by the Nepalese and apparently this is something that can get you left at the next port. Or rather, if you get drunk, then naked and then drive it around in a hallway, which apparently someone did, which is hilarious. Mom, I did not do this.
I should note that these Nepalese people say “namaste” to each other, because that means “hello.” This is delightful because I am used to serious white people saying it at the end of yoga classes very seriously and bowing over hands in the prayer position and then explaining “this means the god in me salutes the god in you. Namaste.” I would love to witness the Nepalese CRUISESHIP DEATH SQUAD! witness this.
We met a passenger who said “Hey I have an idea for you—Ozzy Ozborne meets Ozzy Nelson. Wouldn’t that be great!!!”
My other favorite quote:
“I was working out with one of the Russians.”
“Which one.”
“Um… the feather haired one?”
Everyone: “oh yeah yeah yeah.”
Sunday, February 17, 2008
We Got Crew Status
We just got crew status. This means the amount of the ship we can see has doubled. We can now see 3 more decks where everything is beige or gray or a shade thereof. It is fascinating. There are all sorts of doors, all over the ship that say “CREW ONLY” which is a gateway to the exposed pipes and where guys walk around with a tray full of filet mignon and fist pound each other. The whole crew lives in these 3 decks.
This is where everything happens, including where 1,000 people eat and sleep and recreate, which they do with a ton of smoking and loud rap from 10 p.m. until 1 a.m. Or, if you are a cook who sleeps with 5 other people in your cabin, you go and, still in your uniform, get on the internet, or get together with 15 other cooks and zone out and watch Braveheart, too tired to take off your hat (this actually happened). When I waited tables, my apron was the symbol of rage, so I always immediately took it off. No one here does that. Serving is not an international language.
A DETAIL:
There is an underground passageway called the I-95. This is the giant hallway on the 4th deck. Off of this hallway is every appropriate officeish admin-type thing. The small difference is that everyone who works there is in uniform with epaulettes, and when you walk into payroll, everyone is in white army/navy-ish uniforms that don’t really make sense when you’ve been a secretary as long as moi. Also, you go like this “uh…” to the first two people you see and they go “go see Alma” which would make sense if you’d been there before. Then you say “who is Alma,” because that makes sense because seriously, who the shit is Alma, and they say “back and to the left” and you are in an identical room with a woman in an identical uniform who takes your card and swipes it and says “all set.” So I said, “so…now this card will open my room?” And she says: “oh no.” And I say “so will reception figure that out?” And she says: “oh no, personnel.” And this is how I came to slowly, again, learn the life lesson of “no one knows what the hell is going on.” This is general and all encompassing and has only not been true in Rudy Guiliani’s investment firm, where I temped for 2 months.
We now also have name badges. They say your name, the next line says your job, and the third line says your country of origin. Next to all of that is a tiny flag from where you’re from. Now, most people have the flag from the Philippines. [According to an unidentified cast mate, there is apparently a cultural difference vis a vis nose picking insofar as it is perfectly fine for the Filipinos on board to pick their nose because they do it in the bar and also the internet cafe. This is only upsetting because most of the waiters and cooks are Filipino. I must say, I know several Filipinos really well in my normal life who I have never witnessed do that, for the record.] If you go into the crew areas, you must wear this nametag, which is attached on the back via a magnet, a magnet so strong that if you get it by your roomkey (which is like a hotel room key credit card thing), it immediately demagnetizes it and you have to go and talk to other random people in uniforms. Because of all of this information and people’s varying degrees of the command of English, you might find yourself in an elevator like I did—4 people who all stood with their backs to the wall and inspected everyone’s badge and said nothing and frowned. I am a particular curiosity because I was the only person with no uniform on, so everyone was staring at my badge. Also you must wear your badge at all times when in the crew areas.
Upstairs, everything is theme and THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOP! or THIS IS A FRENCH RESTAURANT! or THIS IS A COMFY SMALL IRISH PUB WITH SPORTS ON TV! (even though everyone on staff is Filipino). Downstairs, everything is beige or gray or somewhere in there. Sometimes there are stainless steel doors or random tinfoil covering pipes and things. The crew hallways are very tiny, a little bigger than the aisle in an airplane, unless I’m being overdramatic (possible) and the rooms are shockingly small. It’s like people live in filing cabinets, and this is partially because their names are listed on the door on little cards that slide into a metal frame. Like…a filing cabinet. Sometimes there are 6 to a room, although those are apparently very big and we are NOT supposed to feel bad about those guys (as I was told). The two dancers who share a room didn’t seem to mind it though, even though the width of the room was the width of their bed, which was a bunk bed. In my room, the lighting is always soft, yellowish, and not bright at all, to the point that it’s almost annoying and you can’t see things. The crew rooms have florescent light bulbs, so that each bed has a curtain you can pull to shut the bed to get rid of some of the light. The rooms are unreal and tiny and the dancers are relatively happy, which seems unreal and impossible. Although one dancer said to the other “why does it smell so disgusting in here” and the other one said “I don’t know” but well…the rooms are so tiny there is only really one reason.
The branding of this ship means that everything they want to tell passengers is in a breezy “hey, we don’t care, we’re so relaxed!” type font that kinda looks like handwriting if you wrote with a paintbrush and could still do lowercase. Like one warning sign says “Please don’t throw anything overboard. (we get complaints from the fish!)” Friendly, and to the point and probably incredibly hilarious for some people. Everything is always printed on the same stationery with snazzy colored corners (like pink and teal). The great thing is the difference between those signs and the signs in the crew area, which are printed on the same stationery but usually all caps and in Ariel.
Also, the passengers love to complain and compare and contrast. I.e. “well on PRINCESS” which I think is the exact reason you switch cruise lines.
This is where everything happens, including where 1,000 people eat and sleep and recreate, which they do with a ton of smoking and loud rap from 10 p.m. until 1 a.m. Or, if you are a cook who sleeps with 5 other people in your cabin, you go and, still in your uniform, get on the internet, or get together with 15 other cooks and zone out and watch Braveheart, too tired to take off your hat (this actually happened). When I waited tables, my apron was the symbol of rage, so I always immediately took it off. No one here does that. Serving is not an international language.
A DETAIL:
There is an underground passageway called the I-95. This is the giant hallway on the 4th deck. Off of this hallway is every appropriate officeish admin-type thing. The small difference is that everyone who works there is in uniform with epaulettes, and when you walk into payroll, everyone is in white army/navy-ish uniforms that don’t really make sense when you’ve been a secretary as long as moi. Also, you go like this “uh…” to the first two people you see and they go “go see Alma” which would make sense if you’d been there before. Then you say “who is Alma,” because that makes sense because seriously, who the shit is Alma, and they say “back and to the left” and you are in an identical room with a woman in an identical uniform who takes your card and swipes it and says “all set.” So I said, “so…now this card will open my room?” And she says: “oh no.” And I say “so will reception figure that out?” And she says: “oh no, personnel.” And this is how I came to slowly, again, learn the life lesson of “no one knows what the hell is going on.” This is general and all encompassing and has only not been true in Rudy Guiliani’s investment firm, where I temped for 2 months.
We now also have name badges. They say your name, the next line says your job, and the third line says your country of origin. Next to all of that is a tiny flag from where you’re from. Now, most people have the flag from the Philippines. [According to an unidentified cast mate, there is apparently a cultural difference vis a vis nose picking insofar as it is perfectly fine for the Filipinos on board to pick their nose because they do it in the bar and also the internet cafe. This is only upsetting because most of the waiters and cooks are Filipino. I must say, I know several Filipinos really well in my normal life who I have never witnessed do that, for the record.] If you go into the crew areas, you must wear this nametag, which is attached on the back via a magnet, a magnet so strong that if you get it by your roomkey (which is like a hotel room key credit card thing), it immediately demagnetizes it and you have to go and talk to other random people in uniforms. Because of all of this information and people’s varying degrees of the command of English, you might find yourself in an elevator like I did—4 people who all stood with their backs to the wall and inspected everyone’s badge and said nothing and frowned. I am a particular curiosity because I was the only person with no uniform on, so everyone was staring at my badge. Also you must wear your badge at all times when in the crew areas.
Upstairs, everything is theme and THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOP! or THIS IS A FRENCH RESTAURANT! or THIS IS A COMFY SMALL IRISH PUB WITH SPORTS ON TV! (even though everyone on staff is Filipino). Downstairs, everything is beige or gray or somewhere in there. Sometimes there are stainless steel doors or random tinfoil covering pipes and things. The crew hallways are very tiny, a little bigger than the aisle in an airplane, unless I’m being overdramatic (possible) and the rooms are shockingly small. It’s like people live in filing cabinets, and this is partially because their names are listed on the door on little cards that slide into a metal frame. Like…a filing cabinet. Sometimes there are 6 to a room, although those are apparently very big and we are NOT supposed to feel bad about those guys (as I was told). The two dancers who share a room didn’t seem to mind it though, even though the width of the room was the width of their bed, which was a bunk bed. In my room, the lighting is always soft, yellowish, and not bright at all, to the point that it’s almost annoying and you can’t see things. The crew rooms have florescent light bulbs, so that each bed has a curtain you can pull to shut the bed to get rid of some of the light. The rooms are unreal and tiny and the dancers are relatively happy, which seems unreal and impossible. Although one dancer said to the other “why does it smell so disgusting in here” and the other one said “I don’t know” but well…the rooms are so tiny there is only really one reason.
The branding of this ship means that everything they want to tell passengers is in a breezy “hey, we don’t care, we’re so relaxed!” type font that kinda looks like handwriting if you wrote with a paintbrush and could still do lowercase. Like one warning sign says “Please don’t throw anything overboard. (we get complaints from the fish!)” Friendly, and to the point and probably incredibly hilarious for some people. Everything is always printed on the same stationery with snazzy colored corners (like pink and teal). The great thing is the difference between those signs and the signs in the crew area, which are printed on the same stationery but usually all caps and in Ariel.
Also, the passengers love to complain and compare and contrast. I.e. “well on PRINCESS” which I think is the exact reason you switch cruise lines.
We Met the Captain
The captain of the ship is a fun round guy named Lars who is from Sweden. We had lunch with him today. My last temp job, it took several weeks for my boss to learn my first name. Now somehow we can have lunch with the guy in control of 2,000 humans eating ice cream constantly and 1,000 humans working like crazy people. He lives in Thailand because that way he “can drive his Harley in December, and you can’t do that in Sweden.” He works 12 weeks on, 12 weeks off. This is this guy’s life. That’s insane.
The ship is powered by 1,400 tons of fuel. This is how much it takes to go on each cruise, down to Acapulco and back to LA. This is on one of the bottom decks, stored in something. I said “does it take up a whole deck?” and he said “oh noooo” in the way of all people at their job, meaning they think the answer is obvious. So I said “would it fill this restaurant?” which is a huge restaurant about the size of 75% of a football field. He said “oh noooo. Remember a ton is a cubic meter.” So I have no idea what that means, but basically there is a ton of fuel somewhere, but not as much as you’d think if you’ve worked as a temp in an office and have my name.
He also said the one ship he quit was because there was an arsonist on the crew (not an official capacity) who was setting fire to like…dirty laundry and cutting the fire alarms. Also, apparently the main risk is in the laundry because there is so much dust from the clothes and if they don’t keep it clean, it can explode. You know. Obviously.
He told us about going through the Panama Canal, that this ship is one of the biggest ships ever to pass through it. It has, on either side of the boat, about 5 inches of clearance. They refer to this width of the ship: Panamax. To go from the Atlantic to the Pacific, you go in, go up 3 lochs, get to a lake, then go down 3 lochs. All for the bargain price of about $250,000.
Our captain started out as a deck hand, which means that he has no pretension about him and that he says he only goes to the bridge (where the ship’s controls are) about once a day because “that’s where the coffee machine is.” We all talked to him like he was a magic king because he is because he drives our house. He had to cancel dinner plans from the night before because “there is too much fog.” Why the hell would…oh right, you’re a captain. Also, apparently this massive thing is controlled by hilariously small little joysticks that are like the size of the top of your pinkie. And those joysticks can control the ships movements to the inch. I guess you can manage the ship with all GPS now, so if the waves are rocky, you can still manage to keep it in one place with little tiny adjuster jet movements.
I also met my second working magician last night who logically knows the only other working magician I know. To the point that they did a show together. And he knows the 2 magicians I took a class with in LA. When I told him how amazing one of the magicians was, for walking on stage and pulling a live rabbit out of his hair, he said “well, it should be a WHITE rabbit. Because a black rabbit, I mean, who cares. He obviously had it in his hair or something and kept it there with paperclips or whatever.” Delightful. Also, I saw his point. This is all ridiculous.
Also, one of my cast mates has violent opinions about magic and magic tricks. This is the same cast member who wishes he could be a woman so he could get more accessories, like shoes and a purse that match. He is sincere about these things, which is delightful.
The ship is powered by 1,400 tons of fuel. This is how much it takes to go on each cruise, down to Acapulco and back to LA. This is on one of the bottom decks, stored in something. I said “does it take up a whole deck?” and he said “oh noooo” in the way of all people at their job, meaning they think the answer is obvious. So I said “would it fill this restaurant?” which is a huge restaurant about the size of 75% of a football field. He said “oh noooo. Remember a ton is a cubic meter.” So I have no idea what that means, but basically there is a ton of fuel somewhere, but not as much as you’d think if you’ve worked as a temp in an office and have my name.
He also said the one ship he quit was because there was an arsonist on the crew (not an official capacity) who was setting fire to like…dirty laundry and cutting the fire alarms. Also, apparently the main risk is in the laundry because there is so much dust from the clothes and if they don’t keep it clean, it can explode. You know. Obviously.
He told us about going through the Panama Canal, that this ship is one of the biggest ships ever to pass through it. It has, on either side of the boat, about 5 inches of clearance. They refer to this width of the ship: Panamax. To go from the Atlantic to the Pacific, you go in, go up 3 lochs, get to a lake, then go down 3 lochs. All for the bargain price of about $250,000.
Our captain started out as a deck hand, which means that he has no pretension about him and that he says he only goes to the bridge (where the ship’s controls are) about once a day because “that’s where the coffee machine is.” We all talked to him like he was a magic king because he is because he drives our house. He had to cancel dinner plans from the night before because “there is too much fog.” Why the hell would…oh right, you’re a captain. Also, apparently this massive thing is controlled by hilariously small little joysticks that are like the size of the top of your pinkie. And those joysticks can control the ships movements to the inch. I guess you can manage the ship with all GPS now, so if the waves are rocky, you can still manage to keep it in one place with little tiny adjuster jet movements.
I also met my second working magician last night who logically knows the only other working magician I know. To the point that they did a show together. And he knows the 2 magicians I took a class with in LA. When I told him how amazing one of the magicians was, for walking on stage and pulling a live rabbit out of his hair, he said “well, it should be a WHITE rabbit. Because a black rabbit, I mean, who cares. He obviously had it in his hair or something and kept it there with paperclips or whatever.” Delightful. Also, I saw his point. This is all ridiculous.
Also, one of my cast mates has violent opinions about magic and magic tricks. This is the same cast member who wishes he could be a woman so he could get more accessories, like shoes and a purse that match. He is sincere about these things, which is delightful.
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Basics of This Thing
This will only be interesting to those of you who do not live on ships and never have. Here are the basic details of the thing:
So I live in a window-free interior room, in the passenger section, towards the back of the ship. There are two beds, which are both about 3.5” wide. We finagled two pillows apiece, but I think this is an indication that we are sneaky. Over one bed is an optional pull down cot (with no cot in it). All in all, the room is about 10’ wide and probably 20’ long. In that length, we also have a closet, fridge, little vanity station, little desk, decent bathroom and a bunch of shelves. So it is kinda like there is a lot of room, meaning there are a lot of places to cram things. The bathroom has a little shower that is pretty nice and a nice sink and a toilet. It’s not as crammed as say a railroad cabin. A New Yorker would be very comfortable. Unless that New Yorker were rich. Also, a crew person told us that our showers are much nicer than the crew ones, where overweight people have to “you know, wash their front, get out, go back in and wash their back” because the showers are so narrow.
Each cruise is 8 days long. It kinda goes like this:
Day 1: Los Angeles (really San Pedro)
Day 2: At Sea, in a hotel, with 3,500 other people, 1,094 of whom are workers who work something insane like 12 hours a day for very little pay in a US opinion, but a king’s ransom in the opinion of South Africa, the Philippines, etc., 6 of whom are workers who do 4 shows a week and 2 lectures and who marginally fear resentment-based poisoning (that’s us).
Day 3: At Sea, same hotel, same 3,500 other people, find one person you will see over and over—for this cruise, it is a middle aged woman who has dyed her very short hair black and then the bangs florescent pink. She is usually frowning.
Day 4: Acapulco from morning until midnight. Therefore: wild party day. The one night the (very good) lounge singer can drink, since she sings 6 nights a week. This fact is regarded with pity and empathy at her personal tradgedy.
Day 5: Zhuatenejo/Ixtapa from 7 a.m. until 2 p.m. 6 lazy workers say “we’re barely there!” because they get up at 11 a.m. typically. These workers are: us.
Day 6: Puerto Vallarta until 5 p.m. We spend this day rehearsing so far. Or: going to a resort with a swim up bar. We may not go too much, or at least not sit under the huts on the beach. A crotchety rotund older gentleman with insane snaggle toes said “you make a lot of people upset when you come here” because we are dirty gypsies from a dirty cruise ship. The people who have the right to be there (his opinion) loudly proclaimed “SO MY PODIATRIST SAID TO PUT MONISTAT ON MY FEET” during a very loud conversation. A castmate said “I can’t take it any more.” Every 5-10 minutes you are offered something to purchase from people who troll the beach and activate your guilt reflex. My favorite was “feesh. Feesh.” Which featured bright red fish on a skewer, also shrimp.
Day 7: Cabo San Lucas until 3:30 p.m. We spend this day going to a resort with a swim up bar and free wireless but $4 water. Still, that’s fair.
Day 8: At Sea, in hotel, same 3,500 people who have learned their way around.
Day 9, which is also day 1: Los Angeles (really San Pedro) with the bliss of a cellphone and a strong desire to call everyone you have ever met and to run in a field.
A cruise veteran friend of mine said the hardest thing to get used to was barely working. This is a hilarious problem to have, but is our problem. You must harness your imagination for good, not turn on one another, keep busy, try to have a vegetable and accept that the cookies will be there tomorrow, in the same delicious formation, and that you don’t really like them too much anyway, and that just because something is free does not mean you should try to put as much of it as possible into your body, and that alcohol can be enjoyed in moderation. I read a book a week so far and am succeeding and failing to varying degrees in relation to these challenges.
Pretty much every night, someone says “do you want to go to the Spinnaker?” which is a lounge on the top floor. This is the meeting place/bar. It is entirely normal except that you will get in conversations with Chinese acrobats (logically) who can’t speak a ton of English, which is a shame because they can do insane things like spin a table with their feet and play peek-a-boo in front of their face with their feet. But do anything for 3 years straight and I guess you get sick of it, even if it is your ability to throw large ceramic pots 15 feet in the air and catch them on the back of your neck or on the corner of the lip of the pot so that it is balanced on the middle of your head (actual person). You might also chat with a 20 year-old ex-ballerina from Britain and her gymnast boyfriend, or a female dancer from Belarus who says “well, I used to be an Olympic gymnast” in a very “I’m bored with myself” type of way and “yeah yeah, I did all that ribbon and ball stuff.” Equally boring to her is her ability to stand on one leg and lift the other one straight up and almost behind her head.
We have rehearsals, which are pretty normal, except they may be stopped with “WHAT WAS THAT!” because random bat manta rays are flinging themselves out of the ocean to flip in the air. Or you see a group of dolphins, or about 40 whale spouts in 20 minutes. Sometimes a whale tail. That is very insane.
Random additional information:
Jobs on board I have overheard: one woman has to go around the buffet and sanitize every single serving spoon and tong that someone could possibly touch. She (South African) was complaining to the server (Indian) behind the buffet line that she had 2 more hours of sanitizing. The guys who work our spotlights spend most of their time in the laundry…working. The guys who play music for 6 hours a day (Filipino) also go outside and put on a mustache and native Mexican garb to pose for “Welcome to Mexico!” photos with passengers.
Favorite overheard from a completely hammered group of adults, regarding their adult children and their unwillingness to hear about certain aspects of their parents' lives: “Are you kidding! The first kid was a Rum Baby, the second one was a Marguerita Baby—HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
It is unappealing to watch most people eat an ice cream cone.
So I live in a window-free interior room, in the passenger section, towards the back of the ship. There are two beds, which are both about 3.5” wide. We finagled two pillows apiece, but I think this is an indication that we are sneaky. Over one bed is an optional pull down cot (with no cot in it). All in all, the room is about 10’ wide and probably 20’ long. In that length, we also have a closet, fridge, little vanity station, little desk, decent bathroom and a bunch of shelves. So it is kinda like there is a lot of room, meaning there are a lot of places to cram things. The bathroom has a little shower that is pretty nice and a nice sink and a toilet. It’s not as crammed as say a railroad cabin. A New Yorker would be very comfortable. Unless that New Yorker were rich. Also, a crew person told us that our showers are much nicer than the crew ones, where overweight people have to “you know, wash their front, get out, go back in and wash their back” because the showers are so narrow.
Each cruise is 8 days long. It kinda goes like this:
Day 1: Los Angeles (really San Pedro)
Day 2: At Sea, in a hotel, with 3,500 other people, 1,094 of whom are workers who work something insane like 12 hours a day for very little pay in a US opinion, but a king’s ransom in the opinion of South Africa, the Philippines, etc., 6 of whom are workers who do 4 shows a week and 2 lectures and who marginally fear resentment-based poisoning (that’s us).
Day 3: At Sea, same hotel, same 3,500 other people, find one person you will see over and over—for this cruise, it is a middle aged woman who has dyed her very short hair black and then the bangs florescent pink. She is usually frowning.
Day 4: Acapulco from morning until midnight. Therefore: wild party day. The one night the (very good) lounge singer can drink, since she sings 6 nights a week. This fact is regarded with pity and empathy at her personal tradgedy.
Day 5: Zhuatenejo/Ixtapa from 7 a.m. until 2 p.m. 6 lazy workers say “we’re barely there!” because they get up at 11 a.m. typically. These workers are: us.
Day 6: Puerto Vallarta until 5 p.m. We spend this day rehearsing so far. Or: going to a resort with a swim up bar. We may not go too much, or at least not sit under the huts on the beach. A crotchety rotund older gentleman with insane snaggle toes said “you make a lot of people upset when you come here” because we are dirty gypsies from a dirty cruise ship. The people who have the right to be there (his opinion) loudly proclaimed “SO MY PODIATRIST SAID TO PUT MONISTAT ON MY FEET” during a very loud conversation. A castmate said “I can’t take it any more.” Every 5-10 minutes you are offered something to purchase from people who troll the beach and activate your guilt reflex. My favorite was “feesh. Feesh.” Which featured bright red fish on a skewer, also shrimp.
Day 7: Cabo San Lucas until 3:30 p.m. We spend this day going to a resort with a swim up bar and free wireless but $4 water. Still, that’s fair.
Day 8: At Sea, in hotel, same 3,500 people who have learned their way around.
Day 9, which is also day 1: Los Angeles (really San Pedro) with the bliss of a cellphone and a strong desire to call everyone you have ever met and to run in a field.
A cruise veteran friend of mine said the hardest thing to get used to was barely working. This is a hilarious problem to have, but is our problem. You must harness your imagination for good, not turn on one another, keep busy, try to have a vegetable and accept that the cookies will be there tomorrow, in the same delicious formation, and that you don’t really like them too much anyway, and that just because something is free does not mean you should try to put as much of it as possible into your body, and that alcohol can be enjoyed in moderation. I read a book a week so far and am succeeding and failing to varying degrees in relation to these challenges.
Pretty much every night, someone says “do you want to go to the Spinnaker?” which is a lounge on the top floor. This is the meeting place/bar. It is entirely normal except that you will get in conversations with Chinese acrobats (logically) who can’t speak a ton of English, which is a shame because they can do insane things like spin a table with their feet and play peek-a-boo in front of their face with their feet. But do anything for 3 years straight and I guess you get sick of it, even if it is your ability to throw large ceramic pots 15 feet in the air and catch them on the back of your neck or on the corner of the lip of the pot so that it is balanced on the middle of your head (actual person). You might also chat with a 20 year-old ex-ballerina from Britain and her gymnast boyfriend, or a female dancer from Belarus who says “well, I used to be an Olympic gymnast” in a very “I’m bored with myself” type of way and “yeah yeah, I did all that ribbon and ball stuff.” Equally boring to her is her ability to stand on one leg and lift the other one straight up and almost behind her head.
We have rehearsals, which are pretty normal, except they may be stopped with “WHAT WAS THAT!” because random bat manta rays are flinging themselves out of the ocean to flip in the air. Or you see a group of dolphins, or about 40 whale spouts in 20 minutes. Sometimes a whale tail. That is very insane.
Random additional information:
Jobs on board I have overheard: one woman has to go around the buffet and sanitize every single serving spoon and tong that someone could possibly touch. She (South African) was complaining to the server (Indian) behind the buffet line that she had 2 more hours of sanitizing. The guys who work our spotlights spend most of their time in the laundry…working. The guys who play music for 6 hours a day (Filipino) also go outside and put on a mustache and native Mexican garb to pose for “Welcome to Mexico!” photos with passengers.
Favorite overheard from a completely hammered group of adults, regarding their adult children and their unwillingness to hear about certain aspects of their parents' lives: “Are you kidding! The first kid was a Rum Baby, the second one was a Marguerita Baby—HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
It is unappealing to watch most people eat an ice cream cone.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Still weird
Everything is fine, I do not have the Norwalk virus, I am not in love with a Filipino, a Jamaican, a gentleman from St. Lucia, or some guy from Argentina. If you speak English and are from those countries, you will probably work on a cruise ship if you’re into it. This is what I am learning. I am also learning that I have somehow joined a weird hotel version of the circus, and if interested, could work on cruise ships until I am dead or my liver explodes.
We went out in Acupulco again, because that is what you do. First we went to, logically, a mall. The first thing you see is a giant Applebee’s, then you have the choice of a Starbuck’s and a bunch of shoe stores, and 3 people went to see American Gangster (with Spanish subtitles). So. Acupulco seems to be mainly urinal cakes. The bathroom was aggressively urinal caked (the women’s bathroom). The club was aggressively tourist oriented, i.e. big smile+question+resulting expenditure for tchotchkee. The best was a middle aged-plus-ish woman with short hair and glasses who had a digital camera and a t-shirt that said “100% HORNY” on the back of it, just like that. She’d say “oh would you like a picture?” big smile. We were warned and shooed her away immediately because we were told that she’d just print it out in the back, put it in a frame, and then ask for $10. A guy who said “What’s your name?” big smile and then put it on the inside of a shell as if he just painted it. We witnessed a table of large intoxicated people from the ship fall for this. We did not, because we were warned. Guilt farming!
There were a group of parrots in the bar as well, for decoration. They were described thusly by the lead male singer who is very nice and rocks out “Come Sail Away” in one of the spectacle shows: “fucking parrot. I stood next to it for a picture, and it bit me! It fucking bit me and it drew blood!” I also ended up overpaying for dinner, having over-estimated the cost of drinks and stuff. I was expecting change, and got a large smile and “thank you very much!” and a handshake. I was stunned and walked away, and this is how you fleece a tourist. Also, you offer them a bunch of “100% HORNY!” gear, which was being modeled by a bunch of unattractive middle aged Mexican persons. Or, a t-shirt with “ANOTHER SHITTY DAY IN PARADISE” on the back, which I didn’t really get.
You dine right next to a pool which is below a what? A bungee jumping platform. It actually looks kinda fun in a spring break way and the risk of a Mexican death. You can ask to not hit the water, hit the water with your hand, or get your head in the water. The wonders of math! Also, you get a punch card. Your 5th jump is free. The rumor was they were going to get dolphins in the pool, but this is probably so people would keep coming back to see if they got them which they never did. “Are you from the ship? We might get dolphins!” A bunch of people bungee jumped, more as the night went on, and people kept saying “oh you HAVE to do it” and then also “yeah, although all the blood vessels burst around my eyes when I did it. Yeah. I don’t know what it was. The gravity? Anyway. Yeah.” The drinks on the top floor were, logically, 2 for 1, and people ran around with whistles and handed out balloons, the kind you twist if you’re a clown. The DJ kept yelling about “NORWEEGAAN STAAAARRR!” and the dancers danced like crazy persons with hot bodies and incredible rhthym and we danced amazingly (my opnion) and the lighting guy said “oh, I just love watching Second City dance. It’s always so funny.” Fool. Then our music director got upset that “you don’t have to look gay when you dance” even though…all the dancers are gay. Then into the spazzy freakout on the dance floor, was my favorite: a woman FROM THE SHIP™ with cornrows and what? A neckbrace. Delightful.
We finished the night in the hot tub. One of my cast mates loves the hot tub to a hilarious degree, to the point that he suggested having rehearsal in the hot tub and also ate a giant cheeseburger in the hot tub during a 2 hour stint today. This is my current life. Also, in my current life, this does not make him stand out from the clientele. I saw a woman wearing a pink tent. I also witnessed a “Hairy Chest Contest!” with 4 incredibly hairy middle aged guys and the wife of one of them. She was in a blind fold and tried to identify her husband by his chest hair. She felt his last, of course, and guessed immediately. The gentlemen getting manhandled were very extremely rotund and usually had hair all over their bodies except their head. One guy seemed clearly Italian and had hair on his shoulders. If anyone is looking for more stock footage of the obesity epidemic, I have a source! Also, stock footage of random Europeans in speedos: I have a source! I also saw a very very tan very thin older gentleman with a wide white handle bar mustache, tiny speedo and what? Logically: large nipple rings the size of earrings. Oh vacation.
When they win these contests, they are given a little award ribbon thing like Miss America. So a gentlemen that was like 5’4” and bald and running around the buffet on the top floor with his ladyfriend had “MR. SEXYLEGS 2008” written in marker on white tape on a ribbon across his chest.
Today I had 3 desserts. I attempted a night without drinking and ended up doing 2 jello shots because I live in college apparently. Tonight I am actually staying in. You do not think it is possible to eat whatever you want at all times, but it is. It is possible to show up to a restaurant (i.e. theme area) and say “can I have that dessert heh heh heh” and then get it to go, eat it in your room, leave it buy your door, and then go out and do it again. This is because this is what we did.
Everything on the ship is theme area, which is great. My favorite is the Internet Café, which has @ all over the carpet. @! @! @! And crazy purple triangles which means THE FUTURE.
I am regularly waking up in the middle of the night and have crazy acidic stomach at all times. A friend said the hardest thing to get used to was barely ever working. I can see how this makes sense.
We went to the crew’s favorite bar, which was about a 45 minute walk from where the boat docked. Basically, if you would like to know what the coast of Acupulco is like, just thinking of the most college spring break type coastal thingie. The strip of clubs everyone loves in the crew has an upper bar section, a lower bar section, and then a separate row of beach chairs and stuff that was served separately. Anyway, the nice thing about it is that it is blatantly a tourist trap and no one pretends otherwise. Everyone says “are you from the ship?” in English. This is probably because we are white and in comfortable shoes and around 3000 people hit the strip of stuff. Every car is a VW bug—the first version of the VW bug—and somehow still pretty nice. But I mean, in a 3 lane road, that is 3 lanes both ways, it might be full of cars and seriously, all of them are taxis. We got a cab ride with 4 of us and drove like insane bats out of hell all the way there.
I should note that we all have, at all times, the option of laundry. Here is how hard it is to do laundry: but in bag, leave it outside your door, wait one day. Get it back, entirely ironed and hung up where appropriate. In the opinion of the laundry humans, t-shirts are hung.
It is difficult to get used to not paying after meals and taking drinks out of one theme area into another theme area. Here, we can go to a bar, then go back to our room to make a drink, then go back up to the bar to drink it. No one minds. I do not accept this as fact. It is a fact. I do not accept it.
I saw an incredibly large pair of underwear on an incredibly large woman who had just had a massage and came to join me in the sauna. In my opinion, there was no light on. She agreed, I sat by the door, so if I died, someone could at least catch a glance from the light in the hall. She had clearly just had her first massage and said how crazy it was that they wanted her to go to the steamroom and then into the sauna and how they didn’t warn her about having a bathing suit and now her underwear were going to get wet. She was also very modest and blown away by the sauna and “how does anyone lay down in here!” She then very shyly asked if she could take her top off. Her top was a towel, but whatever. She then tried to explain why and how she just needed to dry off and that I shouldn’t stay longer than 3 to 5 minutes, even though the hourglass was clearly longer than 5 minutes in her opinion. I did not say “I’M AN LA WEIRDO! PLEASE STOP TALKING!!!” but I wanted to do that. We met another passenger couple who were from the Kentucky side of Cincinnati, one half of which was a woman who made her living working at VA hospitals all over the country. I have heard tales of VA hospitals. They aren’t happy ones, and usually involve cutting off the wrong leg. I said nothing and she pitied my parents for me getting a theater degree when I went to such an expensive school. We talked to a few Navy vets who now go on cruises. One couple was great, one was a large gentlemen who let us witness him eating potato chips from the inside of his mouth. So. We’ll see how long we fraternize with the passengers in this manner.
It is slightly unfortunate that we are now friends with dancers and ballerinas. One ballerina is regularly lifted each show. This would be more incredible if she didn’t weigh less than a 5th grader. Also the other cast person who dates one of the dancers told us how much they weigh. No one stabbed him in the face. This is because we lacked implements. So. We can be Goldilocks with giant naked women in the spa (porridge too hot) and tiny gorgeous dancers in our social circle (too cold). Don’t they eat Goldilocks?
ALSO:
The people watching is pretty much off the charts. It’s all kinda wonderful in a very specific way that if you are not sleeping or eating properly can make you very upset. The couple we met in the hot tub were very nice and here is what I remember of their conversation. First of all, she made it clear right away that they were NOT married but that this is their second cruise together. She ran VA hospital with 1400 employees and she is most interested in what goes on behind the scenes on the cruise ship. She was slightly stressed about feeding and bathing everyone and taking care of everyone’s clothes and all of that. They DID see the comedian from the night before, but had to leave after a while and she only saw part of it because she fell asleep “because she is diabetic and any spike in blood sugar will make you fall asleep and I had some red wine so forget it.” Her son went to a school near my hometown and he really loves Indy right now and it’s a great place for young people (this is wildly not true) but can still be by his mom but you know, not too close so that it’s annoying. The male half then talked about how his daughter would love to work on a cruise and then the female half informed us that we are allowing our parents to live vicariously through us (do you hear that parents??) and that p.s. that other hot tub really only works if you have a stone on your stomach, otherwise you’ll flap around. The male half then gave a long speech about how wonderful his daughter is and they both seriously inquired about how one goes about getting a job on a cruise ship because she’d be so good at it.
We went out in Acupulco again, because that is what you do. First we went to, logically, a mall. The first thing you see is a giant Applebee’s, then you have the choice of a Starbuck’s and a bunch of shoe stores, and 3 people went to see American Gangster (with Spanish subtitles). So. Acupulco seems to be mainly urinal cakes. The bathroom was aggressively urinal caked (the women’s bathroom). The club was aggressively tourist oriented, i.e. big smile+question+resulting expenditure for tchotchkee. The best was a middle aged-plus-ish woman with short hair and glasses who had a digital camera and a t-shirt that said “100% HORNY” on the back of it, just like that. She’d say “oh would you like a picture?” big smile. We were warned and shooed her away immediately because we were told that she’d just print it out in the back, put it in a frame, and then ask for $10. A guy who said “What’s your name?” big smile and then put it on the inside of a shell as if he just painted it. We witnessed a table of large intoxicated people from the ship fall for this. We did not, because we were warned. Guilt farming!
There were a group of parrots in the bar as well, for decoration. They were described thusly by the lead male singer who is very nice and rocks out “Come Sail Away” in one of the spectacle shows: “fucking parrot. I stood next to it for a picture, and it bit me! It fucking bit me and it drew blood!” I also ended up overpaying for dinner, having over-estimated the cost of drinks and stuff. I was expecting change, and got a large smile and “thank you very much!” and a handshake. I was stunned and walked away, and this is how you fleece a tourist. Also, you offer them a bunch of “100% HORNY!” gear, which was being modeled by a bunch of unattractive middle aged Mexican persons. Or, a t-shirt with “ANOTHER SHITTY DAY IN PARADISE” on the back, which I didn’t really get.
You dine right next to a pool which is below a what? A bungee jumping platform. It actually looks kinda fun in a spring break way and the risk of a Mexican death. You can ask to not hit the water, hit the water with your hand, or get your head in the water. The wonders of math! Also, you get a punch card. Your 5th jump is free. The rumor was they were going to get dolphins in the pool, but this is probably so people would keep coming back to see if they got them which they never did. “Are you from the ship? We might get dolphins!” A bunch of people bungee jumped, more as the night went on, and people kept saying “oh you HAVE to do it” and then also “yeah, although all the blood vessels burst around my eyes when I did it. Yeah. I don’t know what it was. The gravity? Anyway. Yeah.” The drinks on the top floor were, logically, 2 for 1, and people ran around with whistles and handed out balloons, the kind you twist if you’re a clown. The DJ kept yelling about “NORWEEGAAN STAAAARRR!” and the dancers danced like crazy persons with hot bodies and incredible rhthym and we danced amazingly (my opnion) and the lighting guy said “oh, I just love watching Second City dance. It’s always so funny.” Fool. Then our music director got upset that “you don’t have to look gay when you dance” even though…all the dancers are gay. Then into the spazzy freakout on the dance floor, was my favorite: a woman FROM THE SHIP™ with cornrows and what? A neckbrace. Delightful.
We finished the night in the hot tub. One of my cast mates loves the hot tub to a hilarious degree, to the point that he suggested having rehearsal in the hot tub and also ate a giant cheeseburger in the hot tub during a 2 hour stint today. This is my current life. Also, in my current life, this does not make him stand out from the clientele. I saw a woman wearing a pink tent. I also witnessed a “Hairy Chest Contest!” with 4 incredibly hairy middle aged guys and the wife of one of them. She was in a blind fold and tried to identify her husband by his chest hair. She felt his last, of course, and guessed immediately. The gentlemen getting manhandled were very extremely rotund and usually had hair all over their bodies except their head. One guy seemed clearly Italian and had hair on his shoulders. If anyone is looking for more stock footage of the obesity epidemic, I have a source! Also, stock footage of random Europeans in speedos: I have a source! I also saw a very very tan very thin older gentleman with a wide white handle bar mustache, tiny speedo and what? Logically: large nipple rings the size of earrings. Oh vacation.
When they win these contests, they are given a little award ribbon thing like Miss America. So a gentlemen that was like 5’4” and bald and running around the buffet on the top floor with his ladyfriend had “MR. SEXYLEGS 2008” written in marker on white tape on a ribbon across his chest.
Today I had 3 desserts. I attempted a night without drinking and ended up doing 2 jello shots because I live in college apparently. Tonight I am actually staying in. You do not think it is possible to eat whatever you want at all times, but it is. It is possible to show up to a restaurant (i.e. theme area) and say “can I have that dessert heh heh heh” and then get it to go, eat it in your room, leave it buy your door, and then go out and do it again. This is because this is what we did.
Everything on the ship is theme area, which is great. My favorite is the Internet Café, which has @ all over the carpet. @! @! @! And crazy purple triangles which means THE FUTURE.
I am regularly waking up in the middle of the night and have crazy acidic stomach at all times. A friend said the hardest thing to get used to was barely ever working. I can see how this makes sense.
We went to the crew’s favorite bar, which was about a 45 minute walk from where the boat docked. Basically, if you would like to know what the coast of Acupulco is like, just thinking of the most college spring break type coastal thingie. The strip of clubs everyone loves in the crew has an upper bar section, a lower bar section, and then a separate row of beach chairs and stuff that was served separately. Anyway, the nice thing about it is that it is blatantly a tourist trap and no one pretends otherwise. Everyone says “are you from the ship?” in English. This is probably because we are white and in comfortable shoes and around 3000 people hit the strip of stuff. Every car is a VW bug—the first version of the VW bug—and somehow still pretty nice. But I mean, in a 3 lane road, that is 3 lanes both ways, it might be full of cars and seriously, all of them are taxis. We got a cab ride with 4 of us and drove like insane bats out of hell all the way there.
I should note that we all have, at all times, the option of laundry. Here is how hard it is to do laundry: but in bag, leave it outside your door, wait one day. Get it back, entirely ironed and hung up where appropriate. In the opinion of the laundry humans, t-shirts are hung.
It is difficult to get used to not paying after meals and taking drinks out of one theme area into another theme area. Here, we can go to a bar, then go back to our room to make a drink, then go back up to the bar to drink it. No one minds. I do not accept this as fact. It is a fact. I do not accept it.
I saw an incredibly large pair of underwear on an incredibly large woman who had just had a massage and came to join me in the sauna. In my opinion, there was no light on. She agreed, I sat by the door, so if I died, someone could at least catch a glance from the light in the hall. She had clearly just had her first massage and said how crazy it was that they wanted her to go to the steamroom and then into the sauna and how they didn’t warn her about having a bathing suit and now her underwear were going to get wet. She was also very modest and blown away by the sauna and “how does anyone lay down in here!” She then very shyly asked if she could take her top off. Her top was a towel, but whatever. She then tried to explain why and how she just needed to dry off and that I shouldn’t stay longer than 3 to 5 minutes, even though the hourglass was clearly longer than 5 minutes in her opinion. I did not say “I’M AN LA WEIRDO! PLEASE STOP TALKING!!!” but I wanted to do that. We met another passenger couple who were from the Kentucky side of Cincinnati, one half of which was a woman who made her living working at VA hospitals all over the country. I have heard tales of VA hospitals. They aren’t happy ones, and usually involve cutting off the wrong leg. I said nothing and she pitied my parents for me getting a theater degree when I went to such an expensive school. We talked to a few Navy vets who now go on cruises. One couple was great, one was a large gentlemen who let us witness him eating potato chips from the inside of his mouth. So. We’ll see how long we fraternize with the passengers in this manner.
It is slightly unfortunate that we are now friends with dancers and ballerinas. One ballerina is regularly lifted each show. This would be more incredible if she didn’t weigh less than a 5th grader. Also the other cast person who dates one of the dancers told us how much they weigh. No one stabbed him in the face. This is because we lacked implements. So. We can be Goldilocks with giant naked women in the spa (porridge too hot) and tiny gorgeous dancers in our social circle (too cold). Don’t they eat Goldilocks?
ALSO:
The people watching is pretty much off the charts. It’s all kinda wonderful in a very specific way that if you are not sleeping or eating properly can make you very upset. The couple we met in the hot tub were very nice and here is what I remember of their conversation. First of all, she made it clear right away that they were NOT married but that this is their second cruise together. She ran VA hospital with 1400 employees and she is most interested in what goes on behind the scenes on the cruise ship. She was slightly stressed about feeding and bathing everyone and taking care of everyone’s clothes and all of that. They DID see the comedian from the night before, but had to leave after a while and she only saw part of it because she fell asleep “because she is diabetic and any spike in blood sugar will make you fall asleep and I had some red wine so forget it.” Her son went to a school near my hometown and he really loves Indy right now and it’s a great place for young people (this is wildly not true) but can still be by his mom but you know, not too close so that it’s annoying. The male half then talked about how his daughter would love to work on a cruise and then the female half informed us that we are allowing our parents to live vicariously through us (do you hear that parents??) and that p.s. that other hot tub really only works if you have a stone on your stomach, otherwise you’ll flap around. The male half then gave a long speech about how wonderful his daughter is and they both seriously inquired about how one goes about getting a job on a cruise ship because she’d be so good at it.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Here is information!
Hi Guys—
This is where I can be charted.
Quick summary: I am all fine, the boat is all fine, the folks are fun, I am not in love with a random Polish man (sorry mom).
There are about a million things I could say about this boat. Basically, it is crazy. We are in a giant diesel fuelled office building on it’s side that goes up and down the coast. Last week was spent entirely rehearsing, so we didn’t really get to go out and explore. Oh, except for when we rented a boat, got take out chicken and beers (some of which were oddly 10 oz. bottles thingies, so we could pretend we were giants), went around with some of the dancers on the ship and: cruised the harbor of Acupulco. This was very amazing. You do not know you are not in America when on board the ship. This is because you can waste things and eat too much and complain and something will happen. You can also go to the doctor. You know you are not in America when on board a rented tourist boat when things like this happen: the workers get high with the passengers, you are permitted and encouraged to jump off the very top of the boat, with a wet towel to help with traction. You are not given a safety speech and when you count the life vests, there are 4 less than will cover the number of passengers. You are not given safety speeches of any kind. You try to figure out the toilet and pull what turns out to be a urinal cake. You try to change in the bathroom and the door flies open because it cannot be locked. Also, suddenly the seas went so rough that the bow of the boat kinda went even with the ocean and everyone clung for dear life and one guy felt wildly nauseous. But ultimately, you know you are not in America when you play a game with a friend called “I bet I can dance and not touch the walls” and the seas are so rough that this is very hard, and to make more of a challenge you say “I bet you can’t hop on one foot and not touch the walls” because the seas were very rough and then both of you are hopping on one foot and: the floor breaks. The two crew members seemed slightly concerned, but not too terribly. They lifted up the carpet to reveal several layers of totally warped plywood and a 4 inch opening between floorboards. An opening that lead to: whatever is under the floor of the boat. It was cracked and wavey and they made a stern face and said “no no no.” Then one of the singers completely crashed through it and cut up the top of her foot and a tendon on: the engine. There was no first aid kit. So she had to bleed terribly and wait to return to the cruise. O that is not America. Foreigners can’t sue the crap out of anyone.
So that was the big story from last week.
We are doing two scripted shows and two improv shows each week, in addition to two workshops. The scripted shows
I got mad in advance that the food was crappy frozen Sysco crap that every buffet in the world eats. It is surprising to realize, every single time, that this is not the case and that the food is actually really good. The slightly unappetizing thing is that we are repeatedly reminded about diarehha and vomiting. This is because the Norwalk virus is healthy and happy on cruise ships and there was an outbreak rather recently. So. The captian will make announcements discussing vomiting and diahrehha while many humans are waiting in line at a buffet to eat. Announcements like “if you see an accident.” Our last captian didn’t preplan his announcements so they’d go on for like 5 minutes with a lot of “uuuuuuh” and “wash your hands” and “uuuuuh” etc. We just got a new one.
Two interesting things: for me: We are very limited in our use and consumption of chocolate, the internet, and diet soda. In a stroke of business genius, you have to pay like $6.25 a day to be part of the “soda program” which gives you unlimited soda access. This is genius. Coffee, tea, milk, oj (in the a.m.) and iced tea are free. If you are wondering “am I addicted to soda in any fashion?” This is how you can find out. The unfortunate fact for me is that the answer is yes. Also, if you are thinking “am I addicted to chocolate in any fashion?” you will find out. Again, for me, the answer is yes. THERE IS BARELY ANY CHOCOLATE ON BOARD THE SHIP. If you are highly addicted (self=yes) and can easily and quickly discern quality of chocolate, this is where you will be sent to suffer, in an “I am an American” kinda way. I have bought quite a bit of chocolate. I have given chocolate as a present to my room steward who is: like my servant, in that he comes and makes my bed and cleans the room (crazy) and empties the trash (crazy). I can only assume that he is obviously dying for chocolate like: self. He is. Even though he is Jamaican. This is because “we are the world,” just like the song, which they sing at the end of every cruise—every employee gets on stage and then they shoot off confetti.
The ads for cruises show very young hotties enjoying themselves and living freely and independently. This is totally accurate of the clientele on the ship, if by hottie you mean “many old people.” There is kinda some self-selecting that goes on a little bit. There is a smoker section on the top deck where you get some of the partiers (people in mullets, older ladies with facelifts, Eastern Europeans, Germans). It is definitely AMERICA ON DISPLAY a little bit. If you are Gary Larson, I know where you come to find models for your drawings.
If you are a funny improv guy, I know where you should come to date incredibly hot young dancers. They all work on this ship and are soon going to change to an entirely new cast. They serve to encourage quirky untanned comedy women to hit the gym which is sort of interesting because when you run on a treadmill and you are on rough seas, well, it is slightly funny. I’m sure there has been a day where everyone wipes out at once.
Also, re seasickness which is fascinating to some of you who are my female parent: no I have not had it. I was very tired the first day and had some Dramamine, and now when I am on land, it feels very crazy and like solid land is moving. I am very used to constantly moving and readjusting and swaying. Even during improv scenes and general walking.
So, it is off to a good start, even though our first improv shows were, I would say “very bad” insofar as they were boring and dull and we weren’t in our light and during the Q&A session, a passenger asked “what do you do when people leave, like all those people who left during your show?” The two LA people got slightly defensive and name dropped (me and another gentleman) and pontificated and said how wonderful improv is because it teaches you to fail etc. etc. etc. and I said the deadly “well, after a while, your hit ratio just goes up and you get experience and you’re good”—and that night our hubris was mitigated, hereh, and we did a 21 minute version of a game that should take 7. Hereh. So. But we’ll tighten and get better, apparently that is all standard for the ships.
Also, a funny story for those of you who know me: one blackout I am doing (and a blackout is a very short scene) has me being a blowup doll, complete with big round mouth, etc. I say nothing during the scene, and at the end, lose air. Our Karla shows were called “too smart for your own good” sometimes and the one thing that really gets me angry and freaking out is treating ladies like sex widget objects, particularly in comedy. Which is what I am playing. And you know what? The audience loves it. I heard this a lot “oh you were that blow up doll. Oh that was just hilarious.” Or “hey, it’s the blow up doll.” Or during the Q&A session “how do you manage to be so hilarious as the blow up doll.” I said I was taught to sit still by my mother, which they enjoyed, and that playing the blow up doll was actually very difficult because I studied feminism, which they did not enjoy. So. There’s that. Seriously, everyone loves the blowup doll. Hilarious.
This is where I can be charted.
Quick summary: I am all fine, the boat is all fine, the folks are fun, I am not in love with a random Polish man (sorry mom).
There are about a million things I could say about this boat. Basically, it is crazy. We are in a giant diesel fuelled office building on it’s side that goes up and down the coast. Last week was spent entirely rehearsing, so we didn’t really get to go out and explore. Oh, except for when we rented a boat, got take out chicken and beers (some of which were oddly 10 oz. bottles thingies, so we could pretend we were giants), went around with some of the dancers on the ship and: cruised the harbor of Acupulco. This was very amazing. You do not know you are not in America when on board the ship. This is because you can waste things and eat too much and complain and something will happen. You can also go to the doctor. You know you are not in America when on board a rented tourist boat when things like this happen: the workers get high with the passengers, you are permitted and encouraged to jump off the very top of the boat, with a wet towel to help with traction. You are not given a safety speech and when you count the life vests, there are 4 less than will cover the number of passengers. You are not given safety speeches of any kind. You try to figure out the toilet and pull what turns out to be a urinal cake. You try to change in the bathroom and the door flies open because it cannot be locked. Also, suddenly the seas went so rough that the bow of the boat kinda went even with the ocean and everyone clung for dear life and one guy felt wildly nauseous. But ultimately, you know you are not in America when you play a game with a friend called “I bet I can dance and not touch the walls” and the seas are so rough that this is very hard, and to make more of a challenge you say “I bet you can’t hop on one foot and not touch the walls” because the seas were very rough and then both of you are hopping on one foot and: the floor breaks. The two crew members seemed slightly concerned, but not too terribly. They lifted up the carpet to reveal several layers of totally warped plywood and a 4 inch opening between floorboards. An opening that lead to: whatever is under the floor of the boat. It was cracked and wavey and they made a stern face and said “no no no.” Then one of the singers completely crashed through it and cut up the top of her foot and a tendon on: the engine. There was no first aid kit. So she had to bleed terribly and wait to return to the cruise. O that is not America. Foreigners can’t sue the crap out of anyone.
So that was the big story from last week.
We are doing two scripted shows and two improv shows each week, in addition to two workshops. The scripted shows
I got mad in advance that the food was crappy frozen Sysco crap that every buffet in the world eats. It is surprising to realize, every single time, that this is not the case and that the food is actually really good. The slightly unappetizing thing is that we are repeatedly reminded about diarehha and vomiting. This is because the Norwalk virus is healthy and happy on cruise ships and there was an outbreak rather recently. So. The captian will make announcements discussing vomiting and diahrehha while many humans are waiting in line at a buffet to eat. Announcements like “if you see an accident.” Our last captian didn’t preplan his announcements so they’d go on for like 5 minutes with a lot of “uuuuuuh” and “wash your hands” and “uuuuuh” etc. We just got a new one.
Two interesting things: for me: We are very limited in our use and consumption of chocolate, the internet, and diet soda. In a stroke of business genius, you have to pay like $6.25 a day to be part of the “soda program” which gives you unlimited soda access. This is genius. Coffee, tea, milk, oj (in the a.m.) and iced tea are free. If you are wondering “am I addicted to soda in any fashion?” This is how you can find out. The unfortunate fact for me is that the answer is yes. Also, if you are thinking “am I addicted to chocolate in any fashion?” you will find out. Again, for me, the answer is yes. THERE IS BARELY ANY CHOCOLATE ON BOARD THE SHIP. If you are highly addicted (self=yes) and can easily and quickly discern quality of chocolate, this is where you will be sent to suffer, in an “I am an American” kinda way. I have bought quite a bit of chocolate. I have given chocolate as a present to my room steward who is: like my servant, in that he comes and makes my bed and cleans the room (crazy) and empties the trash (crazy). I can only assume that he is obviously dying for chocolate like: self. He is. Even though he is Jamaican. This is because “we are the world,” just like the song, which they sing at the end of every cruise—every employee gets on stage and then they shoot off confetti.
The ads for cruises show very young hotties enjoying themselves and living freely and independently. This is totally accurate of the clientele on the ship, if by hottie you mean “many old people.” There is kinda some self-selecting that goes on a little bit. There is a smoker section on the top deck where you get some of the partiers (people in mullets, older ladies with facelifts, Eastern Europeans, Germans). It is definitely AMERICA ON DISPLAY a little bit. If you are Gary Larson, I know where you come to find models for your drawings.
If you are a funny improv guy, I know where you should come to date incredibly hot young dancers. They all work on this ship and are soon going to change to an entirely new cast. They serve to encourage quirky untanned comedy women to hit the gym which is sort of interesting because when you run on a treadmill and you are on rough seas, well, it is slightly funny. I’m sure there has been a day where everyone wipes out at once.
Also, re seasickness which is fascinating to some of you who are my female parent: no I have not had it. I was very tired the first day and had some Dramamine, and now when I am on land, it feels very crazy and like solid land is moving. I am very used to constantly moving and readjusting and swaying. Even during improv scenes and general walking.
So, it is off to a good start, even though our first improv shows were, I would say “very bad” insofar as they were boring and dull and we weren’t in our light and during the Q&A session, a passenger asked “what do you do when people leave, like all those people who left during your show?” The two LA people got slightly defensive and name dropped (me and another gentleman) and pontificated and said how wonderful improv is because it teaches you to fail etc. etc. etc. and I said the deadly “well, after a while, your hit ratio just goes up and you get experience and you’re good”—and that night our hubris was mitigated, hereh, and we did a 21 minute version of a game that should take 7. Hereh. So. But we’ll tighten and get better, apparently that is all standard for the ships.
Also, a funny story for those of you who know me: one blackout I am doing (and a blackout is a very short scene) has me being a blowup doll, complete with big round mouth, etc. I say nothing during the scene, and at the end, lose air. Our Karla shows were called “too smart for your own good” sometimes and the one thing that really gets me angry and freaking out is treating ladies like sex widget objects, particularly in comedy. Which is what I am playing. And you know what? The audience loves it. I heard this a lot “oh you were that blow up doll. Oh that was just hilarious.” Or “hey, it’s the blow up doll.” Or during the Q&A session “how do you manage to be so hilarious as the blow up doll.” I said I was taught to sit still by my mother, which they enjoyed, and that playing the blow up doll was actually very difficult because I studied feminism, which they did not enjoy. So. There’s that. Seriously, everyone loves the blowup doll. Hilarious.
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