Our cruise director starts the morning with this announcement: “A traffic report for you ladies and gentlemen. Slow movement on the walkers path this morning with a jack-knifed wheel chair.” This is a joke. This is terrifying because there are so many people in wheel chairs and that could really happen. Also, according to the cruise director, about one person dies on the cruise per week. So.
Highlights of New Jersey people relating to New Jersey people:
Someone walked to the buffet line, which was stretching probably 25 feet longer than normal and not moving. It blocked traffic in from the hall, so you have to cut the line to get to say, the fruit (no line for the fruit). Someone announced to the general populace “there is more food up front. You don’t need to wait like this” with the typical subtext delivery of “stupid asshohle.”
To cripple a populace, offer: eggs to order and waffles. A sad upset man said “are you in the waffle line?” to about 15 people, until he gave up. People were standing in front of perfectly good food, waiting for waffles. It is an efficiency disaster, which I blame on this ship being built by the Chinese, who don’t feel the same way about breakfast.
If you would like to make yourself vomit, I would humbly suggest watching someone pour a vat of reconsitituted egg mixture from one vat into another.
Also, there is one coffee dispenser which is only decaf coffee. It is the only one like that and has 2 spouts, both labeled “decaf.” It was the first one that a dad and his 14 year old daughter saw. She was furious and said, loudly, offended and like she figured it all out, “they’re trying to serve us decaf coffee on this cruise because it’s cheaper” and walked off in a rage. Classico. Every other dispenser is regular coffee.
Also, in keeping with the East Coast Directness Sentiment/New Jersey Mentality, these things happened:
a) I asked a gentleman from Long Island if he was from New Jersey. This was offensive to him. I assumed this because he talked about the hot girls he saw in thong bikinis several times.
b) When you ask people to say, in unison, their favorite color, they usually say “BLUE!” and when you ask them to say their favorite toothpaste, they usually say “CREST!” I don’t know what people usually shout out for “name a movie style!” in other crowds—usually it’s not unison—but this crowd for some reason said in unison: “HORRAH!” i.e. Horror.
c) We play a game where people ask questions and we respond hilariously. One mouthy gentleman said “does the crew actually like us?” We, hilariously, replied “no” with hilarity (obvious).
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The Nepalese, The Kids
Tonight a Nepalese security guard is going home. “For four months man!” Apparently, there is a GI Bill in Nepal, kinda. Join the army, get into the security guard profession for cruise ships. I am not making this up. The guy, named Chandra, which means moon was with his friend who at first made no face at all, like didn’t even say “yes” when Chandra asked him a question. Chandra was very happy to be leaving and was wearing a red track suit with a random gold pin, also a baseball hat artfully to the side, meaning he looked like a guy from Jersey a teeny bit. He shook all of our hands, and so did his friend. He about tore my arm from my shoulder, and they shake hello and goodbye. His friend had a track suit on also, but was zipped up. He had no expression. Chandra was a thrilled mayor and took photos with us. His expression-free friend
Here are things that are universal, as proven by the Nepalese Chandra and his expression-free friend. Expression-free friend reviewed the photos and lit up like a Christmas tree and insisted on showing us, strangers. It is incredibly fun to review photos. This is cross cultural.
Also, everyone says a time ranging from 20-30 when describing where he or she lives. Chandra said he lives not in Katmandu, but a “25 minute flight south.” Yes, he said flight. Still.
While walking down to the crew bar I met four 11 year old girls hanging out on the stairs, ripping up paper for something. One boldly said “what’s up” to me, a terrifying adult. You can hear the music from the crew bar about 3 flights up if you are standing by the stairs. For no reason, they crank reggae in the crew bar. I mean deafening, even when there are only like 10 people in the room and no one is dancing. It makes no sense. To get to the crew bar, you go down stairs, where passengers cannot go. These stairs are roped off by a metal chain with a little wooden sign that says “crew only” in a I-was-written-with-a-party-paintbrush!!! font. The curiousity would kill me if I were them. They brave girl and I had this conversation:
“Why is it so loud?” (totally disgusted and indignant)
“It’s the crew bar. It’s a few floors down.”
“Well why is the music so loud.””I don’t know.”
“Can we go down there?”
“No. It’s for crew.”
“Why—wait why are you going down there!” (because I walked over the chain)
“Because I’m crew” and I looked very empathetic while they looked disgusted and cheated. I believe I felt empathetic, but maybe I did not.
We taught the 10-12 year olds today, who again, proved hilarious in the Q&A section. We got “can I tell a joke?” question and the “I forgot” question (the joke is “what’s green and goes backwards,” the punchline is inhaling snot in your nose. Not bad.), which is now a classic. We got the “do you do birthday parties?” question, which I would like to say no to, but the answer, in truth, is “yes.” Specifically, “I have done them.” They wanted to know who to call. One particular smartass wanted to know if they could get a 75% discount if they said we were close personal friends. I said if we are close personal friends they have to come paint my house. To which they said “okay where do you live!” and I said “deck 11” and they said “I live there too!” because they are ridiculous and forgot we were having a fight.
Here are things that are universal, as proven by the Nepalese Chandra and his expression-free friend. Expression-free friend reviewed the photos and lit up like a Christmas tree and insisted on showing us, strangers. It is incredibly fun to review photos. This is cross cultural.
Also, everyone says a time ranging from 20-30 when describing where he or she lives. Chandra said he lives not in Katmandu, but a “25 minute flight south.” Yes, he said flight. Still.
While walking down to the crew bar I met four 11 year old girls hanging out on the stairs, ripping up paper for something. One boldly said “what’s up” to me, a terrifying adult. You can hear the music from the crew bar about 3 flights up if you are standing by the stairs. For no reason, they crank reggae in the crew bar. I mean deafening, even when there are only like 10 people in the room and no one is dancing. It makes no sense. To get to the crew bar, you go down stairs, where passengers cannot go. These stairs are roped off by a metal chain with a little wooden sign that says “crew only” in a I-was-written-with-a-party-paintbrush!!! font. The curiousity would kill me if I were them. They brave girl and I had this conversation:
“Why is it so loud?” (totally disgusted and indignant)
“It’s the crew bar. It’s a few floors down.”
“Well why is the music so loud.””I don’t know.”
“Can we go down there?”
“No. It’s for crew.”
“Why—wait why are you going down there!” (because I walked over the chain)
“Because I’m crew” and I looked very empathetic while they looked disgusted and cheated. I believe I felt empathetic, but maybe I did not.
We taught the 10-12 year olds today, who again, proved hilarious in the Q&A section. We got “can I tell a joke?” question and the “I forgot” question (the joke is “what’s green and goes backwards,” the punchline is inhaling snot in your nose. Not bad.), which is now a classic. We got the “do you do birthday parties?” question, which I would like to say no to, but the answer, in truth, is “yes.” Specifically, “I have done them.” They wanted to know who to call. One particular smartass wanted to know if they could get a 75% discount if they said we were close personal friends. I said if we are close personal friends they have to come paint my house. To which they said “okay where do you live!” and I said “deck 11” and they said “I live there too!” because they are ridiculous and forgot we were having a fight.
weird divorces
I found out quite a few stories about crew members. There are a lot of people who I think make careers working on ships, meaning they make their lives in this tiny weird world. Meaning they marry each other, but they will also divorce each other, and still have to live on the same ship where everyone who goes out has to go out to the same places, since there are only like 2 options. There is also a lot of boyfriend swapping that goes on. This is all fascinating, but sort of feels like these hilarious old fart squares are being piloted around the ocean by perverts and deviants with no moral compasses. I am, however, a drama queen.
A Portrait of the Library
There is a lady of around 60 in here with a cough. She has this cough because of a post-nasal drip. She takes something twice a day but it is not working. I know this because she told someone sitting across from her, who asked her some question. The woman who asked her informed her that she and her husband got—*she just coughed—a cough from the air conditioning. There is another woman who is going to use the bathroom, which I know because she announced it. Another couple entered the library to say “look at --*someone else just coughed—“Look at all the books!”
Also, I can hear this verbatim, which is someone on her cellphone:
“Marnie can you hear me? Hi. You’re not going to believe this but we’re coming home on Sunday. We’re Coming Home on Sunday. Yes. We’re coming home on Sunday not Saturday. Can you hear it? SUNDAY. Yeeeeees. Okay. So be there one more day please? Thank you. I’ll tell you all about it when we get home. Bye bye.”
Conversation between the coughing woman and her husband:
“It’s dripping down my throat. I took my medicine.”
“So what do you want to do”
“Do you want to go have lunch?”
“Yeah, but hah I’ll just have a salad because I ate already.”
“There’s the BBQ. Shall we take it to the room”
“Maybe I’ll have pasta salad.”
“They have pistachio ice cream.”
“This is my second lunch.”
She is coughing. She is coughing again.
This is the reading room, which is a great place to make plans as judged by what is happening.
Also, I can overhear a lady presenting other cruises in the galaxy, a good place to make plans. Also a teenager saying “hii-iiiii.”
All of the coughing people left, now it is just me, a teenage boy, and a younger woman with her feet up. We are not making noise. WE WIN! Now it is just the woman and me and she is falling asleep. WE WIN! WE WIN WE WIN WE WIN!
---the people have been fed, so they have returned to the library. The hacking woman is back.
Also, I can hear this verbatim, which is someone on her cellphone:
“Marnie can you hear me? Hi. You’re not going to believe this but we’re coming home on Sunday. We’re Coming Home on Sunday. Yes. We’re coming home on Sunday not Saturday. Can you hear it? SUNDAY. Yeeeeees. Okay. So be there one more day please? Thank you. I’ll tell you all about it when we get home. Bye bye.”
Conversation between the coughing woman and her husband:
“It’s dripping down my throat. I took my medicine.”
“So what do you want to do”
“Do you want to go have lunch?”
“Yeah, but hah I’ll just have a salad because I ate already.”
“There’s the BBQ. Shall we take it to the room”
“Maybe I’ll have pasta salad.”
“They have pistachio ice cream.”
“This is my second lunch.”
She is coughing. She is coughing again.
This is the reading room, which is a great place to make plans as judged by what is happening.
Also, I can overhear a lady presenting other cruises in the galaxy, a good place to make plans. Also a teenager saying “hii-iiiii.”
All of the coughing people left, now it is just me, a teenage boy, and a younger woman with her feet up. We are not making noise. WE WIN! Now it is just the woman and me and she is falling asleep. WE WIN! WE WIN WE WIN WE WIN!
---the people have been fed, so they have returned to the library. The hacking woman is back.
Bali
How many people do you think live on the island of Bali? If you are me, you think “what, like 4,000?” Honestly, like 600 and each person has a puppet. Well, turns out there are TWENTY MILLION. And there are TWO HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION IN ALL OF INDONESIA. With a bunch of different dialects and one national language. Oh. (upon further research, turns out this is crap and he is exaggerating. O Bali.)
Apparently this crew bar is very normal, as far as crew bars go. When I saw a chef from the buffet making out with a random, very drunk woman in the hallway, under fluorescent lights, I was told “typical crew bar.” When I was surprised, other cast member informed me he had just made out with someone a second before. Oh.
We have two room stewards on our deck who are completely friendly, and, note: don’t clean our rooms. Which probably makes it easier to be friendly. They are both from Bali. I asked one guy about his cabin on the ship, how many roommates he had. He said he has 3, haha, that it is pretty much okay, ha ha, except for one guy. It smells and is always a mess because that one guy only has two socks and doesn’t wash them, ha ha. (!!!!!!!!!!!) So when he goes to his cabin, he shuts the curtain right away. Also, they can be loud, so he sleeps with an ipod, ha ha. We asked him if he’s excited to go home in a month, he said yes yes yes—he goes home for 4 months, via a 22 hour plane ride. He said the first time he was going home he got so excited he just kept drinking beer, especially once they hit Singapore. So that by the time his dad came to pick him up, he was so drunk he had to hold on to the wall to walk. So his dad said “WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU! AFTER ONLY 10 MONTHS IN AMERICA!” Then he said he loves seeing drunk people dance and we watched a few of them, mainly a youth counselor pretend to dance with people as they walked by. The same youth counselor who told me “I’m going to hug you for 5 seconds” and then “you’re incredible” and then “oh. You’re not as drunk as me.”
I then learned some Balinese words (apakapar is “how are you”) and that they have a very bad lack of sex education and that our room steward friend goes to the beach every day when he is home and fishes. Also, he has a house that is interesting and the “kitchen and bathroom are separate.” Also, “you must come to Bali Megan!” This is fun.
Apparently this crew bar is very normal, as far as crew bars go. When I saw a chef from the buffet making out with a random, very drunk woman in the hallway, under fluorescent lights, I was told “typical crew bar.” When I was surprised, other cast member informed me he had just made out with someone a second before. Oh.
We have two room stewards on our deck who are completely friendly, and, note: don’t clean our rooms. Which probably makes it easier to be friendly. They are both from Bali. I asked one guy about his cabin on the ship, how many roommates he had. He said he has 3, haha, that it is pretty much okay, ha ha, except for one guy. It smells and is always a mess because that one guy only has two socks and doesn’t wash them, ha ha. (!!!!!!!!!!!) So when he goes to his cabin, he shuts the curtain right away. Also, they can be loud, so he sleeps with an ipod, ha ha. We asked him if he’s excited to go home in a month, he said yes yes yes—he goes home for 4 months, via a 22 hour plane ride. He said the first time he was going home he got so excited he just kept drinking beer, especially once they hit Singapore. So that by the time his dad came to pick him up, he was so drunk he had to hold on to the wall to walk. So his dad said “WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU! AFTER ONLY 10 MONTHS IN AMERICA!” Then he said he loves seeing drunk people dance and we watched a few of them, mainly a youth counselor pretend to dance with people as they walked by. The same youth counselor who told me “I’m going to hug you for 5 seconds” and then “you’re incredible” and then “oh. You’re not as drunk as me.”
I then learned some Balinese words (apakapar is “how are you”) and that they have a very bad lack of sex education and that our room steward friend goes to the beach every day when he is home and fishes. Also, he has a house that is interesting and the “kitchen and bathroom are separate.” Also, “you must come to Bali Megan!” This is fun.
The Tiniest Anthony
It is our first day post show, so first thing this morning, I met a woman who said “girls, this lady does theater” to her two girls. They just nodded with their mouths open. I had just woken up, so I was a baritone. Then the woman said “do people stop you all day?” I said “yes,” which is a lie, because they only stop one guy from our cast constantly, probably because he is terrific and also because he is the only African American human in the cast. Then she said “probably when they hear your voice huh.” And I said “haha.”
So I ate a salad, because I was going to have 2 cookies. It is mobbed with human beings. One teenager stared at me, horrified, so he clearly saw the show. Then I sat outside and a 1 year old stared at me for probably 4 minutes solid. I did some faces and crazy ways to eat salad, which he found confusing or more reason to study me. His mom then said “Anthony, stop staring.” Everyone is named Anthony. Then a Filipino bus-girl with non-amazing English said “oh he is so cute!” and knelt down for a chat, which happened with the 30-ish New Jersey woman mom. The bus-girl was very interested in how old the kid was and his name. Apparently “Anthony” is difficult to understand and pronounce if you speak Tagalog normally, which is pretty hilarious considering that bus girl has just learned the name of probably 1,000 passengers. The mom was very concerned about the bus-girl’s contract and how long she is at sea. Also her hours and if she can get off the ship. And she was asking all of these questions in the loud, nasal New Jersey way, and the soft spoken Filipino girl held Anthony’s hand and smiled and laughed and generally had a very good time.
The brother of our music director is on board and described the Ganges, that they don’t cremate cows or priests, so they are just floating along in the river. This is the kind of thing to remember when you see an Indian gentleman picking up after an incredibly lazy American who just say, threw a cookie on the ground. Mainly, instead of flipping out that he is oppressed and miserable, maybe it’s like “meh, not a big deal. Have you seen my bathroom! My English is getting so AWESOME!” Same with all the folks from Peru who work here. Or maybe they don’t care or whatever.
There is a crew band that plays every once in a while in the crew bar. They are not the paid musicians, just guys with guitars and someone’s drum set. The hilarious aspect is that all crew members basically have to have the same, very conservative haircut. Like there are life sized photos of how the crew members should dress with first-person little notes like “I have NO earrings and I’m wearing a little cologne to smell GREAT!” Also, one guy was wearing an “Aeropostale” shirt which he clearly bought at the mall in Florida. They try to look more badass with the addition of baseball hats. My favorite is that sometimes some of the crew members wear their hats like the hilarious Italian teenage gentleman on board. Meaning, a pristine baseball hat, artfully set at an angle. The crew members can’t do that in passenger areas, although I do not understand it. It feels like “I secretly dress like you.”
So I ate a salad, because I was going to have 2 cookies. It is mobbed with human beings. One teenager stared at me, horrified, so he clearly saw the show. Then I sat outside and a 1 year old stared at me for probably 4 minutes solid. I did some faces and crazy ways to eat salad, which he found confusing or more reason to study me. His mom then said “Anthony, stop staring.” Everyone is named Anthony. Then a Filipino bus-girl with non-amazing English said “oh he is so cute!” and knelt down for a chat, which happened with the 30-ish New Jersey woman mom. The bus-girl was very interested in how old the kid was and his name. Apparently “Anthony” is difficult to understand and pronounce if you speak Tagalog normally, which is pretty hilarious considering that bus girl has just learned the name of probably 1,000 passengers. The mom was very concerned about the bus-girl’s contract and how long she is at sea. Also her hours and if she can get off the ship. And she was asking all of these questions in the loud, nasal New Jersey way, and the soft spoken Filipino girl held Anthony’s hand and smiled and laughed and generally had a very good time.
The brother of our music director is on board and described the Ganges, that they don’t cremate cows or priests, so they are just floating along in the river. This is the kind of thing to remember when you see an Indian gentleman picking up after an incredibly lazy American who just say, threw a cookie on the ground. Mainly, instead of flipping out that he is oppressed and miserable, maybe it’s like “meh, not a big deal. Have you seen my bathroom! My English is getting so AWESOME!” Same with all the folks from Peru who work here. Or maybe they don’t care or whatever.
There is a crew band that plays every once in a while in the crew bar. They are not the paid musicians, just guys with guitars and someone’s drum set. The hilarious aspect is that all crew members basically have to have the same, very conservative haircut. Like there are life sized photos of how the crew members should dress with first-person little notes like “I have NO earrings and I’m wearing a little cologne to smell GREAT!” Also, one guy was wearing an “Aeropostale” shirt which he clearly bought at the mall in Florida. They try to look more badass with the addition of baseball hats. My favorite is that sometimes some of the crew members wear their hats like the hilarious Italian teenage gentleman on board. Meaning, a pristine baseball hat, artfully set at an angle. The crew members can’t do that in passenger areas, although I do not understand it. It feels like “I secretly dress like you.”
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Day 1 of the Cruise
Right now, there is a couple in front of me dancing in the atrium, probably both like 28 ish, somehow he looks meathead-ish and she looks like she’s done a lot of dancing. Directly in front of me is a table of 4 Chinese people talking in Chinese and laughing about something.
Next to me on the left is another Chinese woman with her feet on a chair, sitting next to her crutches. I can hear the lounge singer, who plays piano and a recorded accompaniment with flutes/drums/what is needed—ooh, that was just trumpets. He sings, currently we are hearing “Fly Me to the Moon.” He is great, sounds great. He looks nothing like his voice. Just saying.
In case you were curious if anywhere is quiet, the answer is no. I can see: 24 people in my line of vision. A bunch more have just entered. I am now leaving the vicinity. This is the night where 0 places are quiet. There are roving humans from New Jersey everywhere, most of them teenagers getting in fights. STIMUL-TRAP!
We met a delightful gentleman from Pennsylvania in the hottub who did not kill us. He is from a town very close to my parents and informed me that Camp Hill, PA is a “big trucking town” and named a bunch of road numbers, because clearly he drives all the time. He is a driver from UPS and has been for 16 years. Apparently, “they are rough on their people.” When asked how Day 1 of his cruise is going, he said “f*cking great.” (I bleep for you Michelle). He then proudly told us he had 2 quarts of rum and 3 [some impressive word] cigars, but that we better get there quick, because the first quart is already half gone (they got on board around 3 p.m., p.s.). He then corrected us on the proper prison recipe for vodka (“slice the potato and put in a little bread, so the yeast activates”). Then he mentioned his “6 f*cking years in the Navy” that taught him how to make bilge wine. I wanted to geek out and talk about bilge wine, but he was terrifying and he did not know he was in a hot tub with 4 actors, a musician, and the musician’s gay brother from San Francisco. We vaguely said “we work on the ship” so he didn’t catch on and skin us and just said “this is the life!” a ton of times.
Also, the visual present from today:
I have no idea what part of the country does this (probably New Jersey), but there is a thing amongst teenage boys to get a) incredibly ripped in the chest region, b) aggressively sculpt their eyebrows—I mean, clearly wax them, and wax them pretty far apart in the middle, and c) get weird, very short haircuts that look like they are from the 50’s or something—almost bald along the bottom hairline, then a very gradual fade. These two jokers had a bunch of designs carved into that gradual fade section. And diamond earrings. They did laps on the first floor with no shirts on and kept getting lost. We walked by and caught them talking about their reps, very concerned if they should do 12 or 16. Fascinating.
There is a lot of the very long wife beater over very baggy basketball shorts look here.
My parents came to visit and check out the ship.
Next to me on the left is another Chinese woman with her feet on a chair, sitting next to her crutches. I can hear the lounge singer, who plays piano and a recorded accompaniment with flutes/drums/what is needed—ooh, that was just trumpets. He sings, currently we are hearing “Fly Me to the Moon.” He is great, sounds great. He looks nothing like his voice. Just saying.
In case you were curious if anywhere is quiet, the answer is no. I can see: 24 people in my line of vision. A bunch more have just entered. I am now leaving the vicinity. This is the night where 0 places are quiet. There are roving humans from New Jersey everywhere, most of them teenagers getting in fights. STIMUL-TRAP!
We met a delightful gentleman from Pennsylvania in the hottub who did not kill us. He is from a town very close to my parents and informed me that Camp Hill, PA is a “big trucking town” and named a bunch of road numbers, because clearly he drives all the time. He is a driver from UPS and has been for 16 years. Apparently, “they are rough on their people.” When asked how Day 1 of his cruise is going, he said “f*cking great.” (I bleep for you Michelle). He then proudly told us he had 2 quarts of rum and 3 [some impressive word] cigars, but that we better get there quick, because the first quart is already half gone (they got on board around 3 p.m., p.s.). He then corrected us on the proper prison recipe for vodka (“slice the potato and put in a little bread, so the yeast activates”). Then he mentioned his “6 f*cking years in the Navy” that taught him how to make bilge wine. I wanted to geek out and talk about bilge wine, but he was terrifying and he did not know he was in a hot tub with 4 actors, a musician, and the musician’s gay brother from San Francisco. We vaguely said “we work on the ship” so he didn’t catch on and skin us and just said “this is the life!” a ton of times.
Also, the visual present from today:
I have no idea what part of the country does this (probably New Jersey), but there is a thing amongst teenage boys to get a) incredibly ripped in the chest region, b) aggressively sculpt their eyebrows—I mean, clearly wax them, and wax them pretty far apart in the middle, and c) get weird, very short haircuts that look like they are from the 50’s or something—almost bald along the bottom hairline, then a very gradual fade. These two jokers had a bunch of designs carved into that gradual fade section. And diamond earrings. They did laps on the first floor with no shirts on and kept getting lost. We walked by and caught them talking about their reps, very concerned if they should do 12 or 16. Fascinating.
There is a lot of the very long wife beater over very baggy basketball shorts look here.
My parents came to visit and check out the ship.
Bartender note
Here’s a lesson:
In the crew bar, all things are equal.
Don’t ask the bartender to decide your white wine choice for you. It’s not fun for him, he’s not interested and “whatever’s cold!” will just get you a stare in the face. Oooh they love to stare in the faaace.
In the crew bar, all things are equal.
Don’t ask the bartender to decide your white wine choice for you. It’s not fun for him, he’s not interested and “whatever’s cold!” will just get you a stare in the face. Oooh they love to stare in the faaace.
Monday, July 7, 2008
New Jersey, Jocks and Pink Eye
New Jersey!
There was a selection of very jockish buzz haircut football playing Asian kids on board last cruise. They talked with a lot of “duh what’re you doin’” around the buffet and then showed off their muscles. One of them decided to make out with a girl he had just met or something (shy, semi-nerd-funky with glasses and long black hair) in the middle of the hallway, at the bottom of a stairwell, right below the buffet. I walked out and caught them kissing, which they immediately stopped, and she put her head in his neck and hid and he pretended he had to look straight ahead at the elevators. Then I got a cookie, by which I mean 3, and had such delightful thoughts about cookies that I forgot not to go down that stairwell. So I did and caught them again. They did the exact same stop tactic although this time he impatiently started to shake his leg, waiting for me to go. O TEENAGERS!
All of them, by the way, have a) extremely short buzz cut haircuts, b) fashion baseball hats worn artfully cockeyed, c) well fitting plaid shorts that do not hang low, but go below the knees, and d) white low top shoes with barely visible socks. This says “I am from Jersey.” Possibly “New York” and possibly “East Coast.” I have no idea. There is also male eyebrow shaping and large diamond/cubic zirconia earrings on the gentlemen, the flashier ones employing both ears.
Today’s passengers include:
A family with blue tshirts with white writing that says “Cruise 2008.” A family reunion/trip/something with neon green tshirts that say a list of Irish-ish last names on the back. A family with big white tshirts and a picture of a cruise ship that says “THIS IS MY [insert number] CRUISE” as is appropriate to them. One fluffy-ish 14-ish year old with day glow orange clearly fake nails had a t-shirt that said it was her 11th cruise.
Also, a Russian/Eastern European/Ukranian/something family with a probably 30-ish year old daughter. All of them dressed like they were about 23 and about to go clubbing, including the dad who had very trendy sunglasses, very trendy white long pointy shoes, and a trendy, tight light blue t-shirt with arty graphics stretched very far over his giant, round tummy. He has full white hair. I will attempt a photo.
There is also a little 10 or 11 ish year old girl who wore a head scarf. As we got closer to the statue of liberty, the wind blew her hair around, making it pretty obvious that she is going through chemo. The nice part is that her brother/cousin seemed to ignore her, so the world still made sense.
Also, note, vis a vis the hilarious South African doctors in the medical center: a small tale:
a) so I had a pretty bad idea and kept my contacts in water for about 2 weeks, probably 3, because I ran out of solution. Then I got some solution and just put them in there for a few days.
b) I then decided to put them in my eye anyway. My eye reacted by burning and turning red and tearing up, which I decided was dramatic and false and made my eye wear said contact all day.
c) I got pink eye.
So I went to the medical center and was prescribed eye drops. My exact prescription is like this: “well, usually you put 2 drops in your eye every four hours. I’d say just put 1 or 2 drops in your eye every hour for today—maybe 2--then tomorrow just do 2 every two hours or four hours or so then you know, so do like that and then instead of a slow attack, it’ll kill the germs fast. And when it stops bothering you, you know, stop uh, using it.”
There was a selection of very jockish buzz haircut football playing Asian kids on board last cruise. They talked with a lot of “duh what’re you doin’” around the buffet and then showed off their muscles. One of them decided to make out with a girl he had just met or something (shy, semi-nerd-funky with glasses and long black hair) in the middle of the hallway, at the bottom of a stairwell, right below the buffet. I walked out and caught them kissing, which they immediately stopped, and she put her head in his neck and hid and he pretended he had to look straight ahead at the elevators. Then I got a cookie, by which I mean 3, and had such delightful thoughts about cookies that I forgot not to go down that stairwell. So I did and caught them again. They did the exact same stop tactic although this time he impatiently started to shake his leg, waiting for me to go. O TEENAGERS!
All of them, by the way, have a) extremely short buzz cut haircuts, b) fashion baseball hats worn artfully cockeyed, c) well fitting plaid shorts that do not hang low, but go below the knees, and d) white low top shoes with barely visible socks. This says “I am from Jersey.” Possibly “New York” and possibly “East Coast.” I have no idea. There is also male eyebrow shaping and large diamond/cubic zirconia earrings on the gentlemen, the flashier ones employing both ears.
Today’s passengers include:
A family with blue tshirts with white writing that says “Cruise 2008.” A family reunion/trip/something with neon green tshirts that say a list of Irish-ish last names on the back. A family with big white tshirts and a picture of a cruise ship that says “THIS IS MY [insert number] CRUISE” as is appropriate to them. One fluffy-ish 14-ish year old with day glow orange clearly fake nails had a t-shirt that said it was her 11th cruise.
Also, a Russian/Eastern European/Ukranian/something family with a probably 30-ish year old daughter. All of them dressed like they were about 23 and about to go clubbing, including the dad who had very trendy sunglasses, very trendy white long pointy shoes, and a trendy, tight light blue t-shirt with arty graphics stretched very far over his giant, round tummy. He has full white hair. I will attempt a photo.
There is also a little 10 or 11 ish year old girl who wore a head scarf. As we got closer to the statue of liberty, the wind blew her hair around, making it pretty obvious that she is going through chemo. The nice part is that her brother/cousin seemed to ignore her, so the world still made sense.
Also, note, vis a vis the hilarious South African doctors in the medical center: a small tale:
a) so I had a pretty bad idea and kept my contacts in water for about 2 weeks, probably 3, because I ran out of solution. Then I got some solution and just put them in there for a few days.
b) I then decided to put them in my eye anyway. My eye reacted by burning and turning red and tearing up, which I decided was dramatic and false and made my eye wear said contact all day.
c) I got pink eye.
So I went to the medical center and was prescribed eye drops. My exact prescription is like this: “well, usually you put 2 drops in your eye every four hours. I’d say just put 1 or 2 drops in your eye every hour for today—maybe 2--then tomorrow just do 2 every two hours or four hours or so then you know, so do like that and then instead of a slow attack, it’ll kill the germs fast. And when it stops bothering you, you know, stop uh, using it.”
A Happy Chinese July 4th
What it is to be irritable:
To be unable to escape from one’s own human companions:
To go like this: can I just have some time by myself and to have someone say “there you are!!!!” and insist upon telling one a story.
To be completely unable to find a tiny corner to just tuck away.
The complete unavailability of private corners.
Private corners!
Last night was spent discussing with castmate the exact nature of going crazy on a ship. It goes like this: as he reported: some of the doors in his mind got opened that didn’t need to be opened, like: “when did time begin” or “what is language” or “what was I before I was myself” and “when was my first thought” and things like this and “is it all meaningless” and items that you don’t actually need to think about because you will go crazy because there is no answer. This was good to hear about because this happens. This is what happens if you have no work and legions of servants. Then you start thinking “WHY AM I HERE” and feel like you are a trash pit that people throw food and amusement into. This must be part of what happens to incredibly rich entertainers or similar.
I am drinking 3 cups of coffee per morning. This is probably what is helping make me so irritable, along with the 50,000 people here. I should note that our room stewards, who work all day, are not irritable. They are pleasant and helpful. I should note that one of the guys who works in the buffet line had a fun time making up different sounds for a horn when he was trying to get through the masses of mooing humans, then went “hahaha.” Also, I should note that one of the women sings a song regularly and there is a general mood of laughing amongst that staff. This is nice x 1000.
The difficult thing about being a teenager is that you need a phone. I have seen the same girl twice in two days. She is a girl, so I have no idea if she is 23 or 16. I think she is probably 16. She asked me “is anybody sitting here?” about a chair that was about 15 feet away from me, in the middle of a completely empty mass of chairs. I said “no.” The day before I saw her and she desperately asked me if I got phone service. I said no and that maybe it was because we were in the Dominican Republic. She said she got phone service the other days. Both of these times I had my headphones in and was clearly on a computer. Well, today she got phone service and proceeded to loudly bawl on the phone. This is in the middle of a high traffic area. She didn’t want to sit in my line of sight, so she sat in traffic’s line of sight. I could hear her painfully sobbing and gulping air and saying “but noooooo” in a really high 4 year old’s type voice. And I think “I said I would call yoooou” and some other stuff. This is what happens when you have no privacy. Very upsetting. Also, she is going to be broke from that phone bill, if she is 23, or she is going to be grounded for life if she is 16.
There are a number of older Chinese folks on this cruise. They are frequently in the gym. I ran/walked on the treadmill next to an older lady who ran much faster than me and kept either staring at me or looking out the window right behind me.
Yesterday was the 4th of July. I should note that there are about 7 Americans on the crew, out of 1000. This results in a celebration of the 4th that is, in a word: crap. There were a bunch of red white and blue streamers that felt Chinese somehow and a fringie silver banner with cardboard letters that said PROUD (to be an) AMERICAN. The “to be an” was very small and on a silver cutout of the United States in the middle. Then there were identical cardboard American flags kind of haphazardly just around the ship at incorrect locations to the eye height. There was a $25 jazz brunch that they have every week that they called “Independence Day Brunch.” Like I said: Chinese. No fireworks, no sparklers, no face painting. I know blah blah blah Iraq blah blah blah SUVs blah blah blah, I don’t care. I am traditional. Very traditional apparently because I was VERY interested in getting in a fight all day. The best I could do was rant and rave about how terrible “Two Days in Paris” is as a movie. (It is terrible, just like how there is supposed to be a CLOTH AMERICAN FLAG SOMEWHERE AND ONE PICTURE OF UNCLE SAM AND OH I DON’T KNOW SOMETHING).
Our cruise director is Canadian, the captain is Swedish, everybody is Filipino or Peruvian, the Hotel Director is German and youth counselors are mainly Canadian and there are many of them. There are a ton of South Africans. For Canada Day (July 2nd) we had a big party and the Canadians wore red and white and put flags on their faces and got hammered. The passengers are all American, mainly from New Jersey physically or spiritually. Well, my cast had a lot of fun feeling very persecuted and ignored because there were no fireworks or BBQs and all of us tried to be alone and/or watch movies and/or read and/or write angry diatribes. Also, hello, we are people who make fun of things, so we wait for someone else to do something, then point out how stupid it is. This is hard when they are not doing the stupid thing you desire so you can rant about how pointless and jingoistic (maybe the word?) July 4th celebrations are. We finally went down to the crew bar for some conversation and Coronas, after our show, we could freely vent our hostility and wish each other a good 4th. I took the opportunity to plan a Labor Day Picnic and invite everyone. That is never to happen again! The end.
To be unable to escape from one’s own human companions:
To go like this: can I just have some time by myself and to have someone say “there you are!!!!” and insist upon telling one a story.
To be completely unable to find a tiny corner to just tuck away.
The complete unavailability of private corners.
Private corners!
Last night was spent discussing with castmate the exact nature of going crazy on a ship. It goes like this: as he reported: some of the doors in his mind got opened that didn’t need to be opened, like: “when did time begin” or “what is language” or “what was I before I was myself” and “when was my first thought” and things like this and “is it all meaningless” and items that you don’t actually need to think about because you will go crazy because there is no answer. This was good to hear about because this happens. This is what happens if you have no work and legions of servants. Then you start thinking “WHY AM I HERE” and feel like you are a trash pit that people throw food and amusement into. This must be part of what happens to incredibly rich entertainers or similar.
I am drinking 3 cups of coffee per morning. This is probably what is helping make me so irritable, along with the 50,000 people here. I should note that our room stewards, who work all day, are not irritable. They are pleasant and helpful. I should note that one of the guys who works in the buffet line had a fun time making up different sounds for a horn when he was trying to get through the masses of mooing humans, then went “hahaha.” Also, I should note that one of the women sings a song regularly and there is a general mood of laughing amongst that staff. This is nice x 1000.
The difficult thing about being a teenager is that you need a phone. I have seen the same girl twice in two days. She is a girl, so I have no idea if she is 23 or 16. I think she is probably 16. She asked me “is anybody sitting here?” about a chair that was about 15 feet away from me, in the middle of a completely empty mass of chairs. I said “no.” The day before I saw her and she desperately asked me if I got phone service. I said no and that maybe it was because we were in the Dominican Republic. She said she got phone service the other days. Both of these times I had my headphones in and was clearly on a computer. Well, today she got phone service and proceeded to loudly bawl on the phone. This is in the middle of a high traffic area. She didn’t want to sit in my line of sight, so she sat in traffic’s line of sight. I could hear her painfully sobbing and gulping air and saying “but noooooo” in a really high 4 year old’s type voice. And I think “I said I would call yoooou” and some other stuff. This is what happens when you have no privacy. Very upsetting. Also, she is going to be broke from that phone bill, if she is 23, or she is going to be grounded for life if she is 16.
There are a number of older Chinese folks on this cruise. They are frequently in the gym. I ran/walked on the treadmill next to an older lady who ran much faster than me and kept either staring at me or looking out the window right behind me.
Yesterday was the 4th of July. I should note that there are about 7 Americans on the crew, out of 1000. This results in a celebration of the 4th that is, in a word: crap. There were a bunch of red white and blue streamers that felt Chinese somehow and a fringie silver banner with cardboard letters that said PROUD (to be an) AMERICAN. The “to be an” was very small and on a silver cutout of the United States in the middle. Then there were identical cardboard American flags kind of haphazardly just around the ship at incorrect locations to the eye height. There was a $25 jazz brunch that they have every week that they called “Independence Day Brunch.” Like I said: Chinese. No fireworks, no sparklers, no face painting. I know blah blah blah Iraq blah blah blah SUVs blah blah blah, I don’t care. I am traditional. Very traditional apparently because I was VERY interested in getting in a fight all day. The best I could do was rant and rave about how terrible “Two Days in Paris” is as a movie. (It is terrible, just like how there is supposed to be a CLOTH AMERICAN FLAG SOMEWHERE AND ONE PICTURE OF UNCLE SAM AND OH I DON’T KNOW SOMETHING).
Our cruise director is Canadian, the captain is Swedish, everybody is Filipino or Peruvian, the Hotel Director is German and youth counselors are mainly Canadian and there are many of them. There are a ton of South Africans. For Canada Day (July 2nd) we had a big party and the Canadians wore red and white and put flags on their faces and got hammered. The passengers are all American, mainly from New Jersey physically or spiritually. Well, my cast had a lot of fun feeling very persecuted and ignored because there were no fireworks or BBQs and all of us tried to be alone and/or watch movies and/or read and/or write angry diatribes. Also, hello, we are people who make fun of things, so we wait for someone else to do something, then point out how stupid it is. This is hard when they are not doing the stupid thing you desire so you can rant about how pointless and jingoistic (maybe the word?) July 4th celebrations are. We finally went down to the crew bar for some conversation and Coronas, after our show, we could freely vent our hostility and wish each other a good 4th. I took the opportunity to plan a Labor Day Picnic and invite everyone. That is never to happen again! The end.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Canada Day, Abandon Ship
Last night was the crew party on the helipad.
We also saw Wall-E which will make you think a great deal about cruising. I loved it.
The clouds here are SPEKTAKULAR! And are my favorite things. Also there is RAIN! And local port people who have cars/jobs/a nearby Best Buy which it turns out is incredibly comforting. Puerto Rico is great so far although a cabbie DID try to rip us off, but I think they are trained that way. And he only tried for $3. As soon as a cabbie speaks Spanish, it is war.
No one is asking me if I am a vegetarian anymore, which I think is due to my increased human volume from living with desserts. I was very proud of myself for not having ANY cookies OR dessert with meals, although, full disclosure, there was a bag of carmel chocolates that I fell on which was my fault.
In incredible news for those of you who know Bar Habor or Improv Acadia, they had 3 Bar Harbor beers available for free at the crew party last night. I lost my mind. They are a blueberry-infused beer, a ginger-infused beer and a stout (barf). All of the crew wants “Hein-e-kin! Hein-e-kin!” and when you don’t have that, they say “oh, coke? Soh-dah?” Turns out if you are foreign, you probably don’t care about microbrews. This is probably because you don’t trust local things, which I don’t blame anyone after seeing Mexico (sorry Mexico). Our bartending system was like this: one giant trash can full of soda (Dr. Pepper and Coke and some Sprite and Sprite Zero) and ice. One giant trash can full of Budweiser and ice and a few Bud lights, which were hard to tell apart because there was no light. Another trashcan of mainly Bud lights, with some Budweiser. Then a trash can of Smirnoff Ice, which is a popular alternative to “Hein-e-kin!” Then 2 other trash cans, one that was the Blueberry beer mixed with the ginger beer mixed with a bottom layer of Heinekin and some Guiness. Well, we couldn’t see anything and then one of the Smirnoff Ice’s broke in the giant trash can. Bartending means “open bottles quickly, set on table.” We were 3 actors running the table, and we did pretty well until a real bartender came to help us and well, before he came we had the table like a 1/3 full of bottles. Maybe really like 3/8ths. The bartender, one guy, filled it in like mmm…5 minutes. Our system was “bump into each other” and “try to use the broken bottle opener many many times” and “only get two beers at a time from the trash can.” His was “BE A MACHINE.” This is a better system.
It was also Canada Day yesterday, so all of the Youth Counselors (always Canadian almost) dressed up and jumped around. I chatted with some of the guys from the Phillipines, one of whom told me this is the best ship. It WAS the Wind, but that’s now a ship in Asia. Then I saw pictures of another guy’s kids and he told me how a ferry went down 3 days ago in the Phillipines, killing everyone on board. We made fun of him for his party conversation and he told us the province where he is from, although the only other place I know is Mindinau because a bunch of people were killed there in a terrorist thingie a while back. This is my choice of party conversation. WHEEEEE!
The crew seems much nicer and friendlier here and no one seems like they must constantly get completely obliterated drunk. The crew is not so exclusively Filipino and Indonesian. We have people from Peru, a guy from Panama, Haitians, Bulgarians, Ukranians, and a rare few Mexicans. Mainly Filipino, yes, but everyone seems friendlier and more willing to chat. Even our room stewards are nicer and don’t seem as constantly stressed out as our last guy on the Star, who was always sweating and wild-eyed and only was really happy when we smuggled him Amarula, which is a liqueur from the Amarula fruit (obvious).
This morning was a boat drill that we had to take part in. It was an entire “abandon ship” drill, meaning 1000 people had to leave the ship all in their uniforms. It was very confusing and not what I thought, which is that someone would go “ABANDON SHIP!!!” and we’d all freak out and jump down things like the blow up chutes in an airplane. I mean, in fire drills, it’s all about time and can-we-make-it-out-in-90-seconds, etc. Well, for this one, we stood around on deck 7, all of us tired and hung over. They announced the drill, did the alarm, then we waited for 15 minutes as people passed us by and a Panamanian gentleman said “oh, who are you” etc. Then a very hung over nice British party girl from the spa came and said “yeah I guess I’m your leader” or something to that effect. Then we waited for a while longer and guys from the engine room in coveralls stood next to us and did not talk because they are Eastern European or something. Then another guy came over and we joked around. Then someone said “follow him” and we started following some guy out. We calmly left the ship and went to stand in a field behind a sign for “B2” even though we were instructed to stand behind “B1,” but there was no B1 sign. Then we got no word. Our crew leader came out about 15 minutes later and got us behind the right sign. Then she said “I’m dehydrated” and sat down and we discussed tattoos. Then someone randomly gave another castmate a “C1” sign and told him to hold it, next to the “B1” sign, 4 rows down from the other, differently formatted “C1” sign, so it went C1, B1, B2, B3, C1, C2 and so on. Then about 15 minutes later, he got in trouble for holding it.
The safety officer is a terrifying Swede in and all white coverall. There were other random guys walking around, slowly everybody trickled out from the ship. One guy, a waiter, was still holding his tray, which I do not understand. The Indian guys (who frequently wear women’s jeans—it must be cultural) quietly made fun of someone for saying “WAH-ter” like an American, instead of “wuh-tah,” like a Brit, something they found clearly hilarious. Then apparently it was over and we all went back on the ship. I hope to the dear Lord in Heaven that we never have to abandon ship for real. The drill took an hour and 15 minutes, no one knew what was going on. Maybe fires at sea are slow acting. I hope this is true. Thank you.
We also saw Wall-E which will make you think a great deal about cruising. I loved it.
The clouds here are SPEKTAKULAR! And are my favorite things. Also there is RAIN! And local port people who have cars/jobs/a nearby Best Buy which it turns out is incredibly comforting. Puerto Rico is great so far although a cabbie DID try to rip us off, but I think they are trained that way. And he only tried for $3. As soon as a cabbie speaks Spanish, it is war.
No one is asking me if I am a vegetarian anymore, which I think is due to my increased human volume from living with desserts. I was very proud of myself for not having ANY cookies OR dessert with meals, although, full disclosure, there was a bag of carmel chocolates that I fell on which was my fault.
In incredible news for those of you who know Bar Habor or Improv Acadia, they had 3 Bar Harbor beers available for free at the crew party last night. I lost my mind. They are a blueberry-infused beer, a ginger-infused beer and a stout (barf). All of the crew wants “Hein-e-kin! Hein-e-kin!” and when you don’t have that, they say “oh, coke? Soh-dah?” Turns out if you are foreign, you probably don’t care about microbrews. This is probably because you don’t trust local things, which I don’t blame anyone after seeing Mexico (sorry Mexico). Our bartending system was like this: one giant trash can full of soda (Dr. Pepper and Coke and some Sprite and Sprite Zero) and ice. One giant trash can full of Budweiser and ice and a few Bud lights, which were hard to tell apart because there was no light. Another trashcan of mainly Bud lights, with some Budweiser. Then a trash can of Smirnoff Ice, which is a popular alternative to “Hein-e-kin!” Then 2 other trash cans, one that was the Blueberry beer mixed with the ginger beer mixed with a bottom layer of Heinekin and some Guiness. Well, we couldn’t see anything and then one of the Smirnoff Ice’s broke in the giant trash can. Bartending means “open bottles quickly, set on table.” We were 3 actors running the table, and we did pretty well until a real bartender came to help us and well, before he came we had the table like a 1/3 full of bottles. Maybe really like 3/8ths. The bartender, one guy, filled it in like mmm…5 minutes. Our system was “bump into each other” and “try to use the broken bottle opener many many times” and “only get two beers at a time from the trash can.” His was “BE A MACHINE.” This is a better system.
It was also Canada Day yesterday, so all of the Youth Counselors (always Canadian almost) dressed up and jumped around. I chatted with some of the guys from the Phillipines, one of whom told me this is the best ship. It WAS the Wind, but that’s now a ship in Asia. Then I saw pictures of another guy’s kids and he told me how a ferry went down 3 days ago in the Phillipines, killing everyone on board. We made fun of him for his party conversation and he told us the province where he is from, although the only other place I know is Mindinau because a bunch of people were killed there in a terrorist thingie a while back. This is my choice of party conversation. WHEEEEE!
The crew seems much nicer and friendlier here and no one seems like they must constantly get completely obliterated drunk. The crew is not so exclusively Filipino and Indonesian. We have people from Peru, a guy from Panama, Haitians, Bulgarians, Ukranians, and a rare few Mexicans. Mainly Filipino, yes, but everyone seems friendlier and more willing to chat. Even our room stewards are nicer and don’t seem as constantly stressed out as our last guy on the Star, who was always sweating and wild-eyed and only was really happy when we smuggled him Amarula, which is a liqueur from the Amarula fruit (obvious).
This morning was a boat drill that we had to take part in. It was an entire “abandon ship” drill, meaning 1000 people had to leave the ship all in their uniforms. It was very confusing and not what I thought, which is that someone would go “ABANDON SHIP!!!” and we’d all freak out and jump down things like the blow up chutes in an airplane. I mean, in fire drills, it’s all about time and can-we-make-it-out-in-90-seconds, etc. Well, for this one, we stood around on deck 7, all of us tired and hung over. They announced the drill, did the alarm, then we waited for 15 minutes as people passed us by and a Panamanian gentleman said “oh, who are you” etc. Then a very hung over nice British party girl from the spa came and said “yeah I guess I’m your leader” or something to that effect. Then we waited for a while longer and guys from the engine room in coveralls stood next to us and did not talk because they are Eastern European or something. Then another guy came over and we joked around. Then someone said “follow him” and we started following some guy out. We calmly left the ship and went to stand in a field behind a sign for “B2” even though we were instructed to stand behind “B1,” but there was no B1 sign. Then we got no word. Our crew leader came out about 15 minutes later and got us behind the right sign. Then she said “I’m dehydrated” and sat down and we discussed tattoos. Then someone randomly gave another castmate a “C1” sign and told him to hold it, next to the “B1” sign, 4 rows down from the other, differently formatted “C1” sign, so it went C1, B1, B2, B3, C1, C2 and so on. Then about 15 minutes later, he got in trouble for holding it.
The safety officer is a terrifying Swede in and all white coverall. There were other random guys walking around, slowly everybody trickled out from the ship. One guy, a waiter, was still holding his tray, which I do not understand. The Indian guys (who frequently wear women’s jeans—it must be cultural) quietly made fun of someone for saying “WAH-ter” like an American, instead of “wuh-tah,” like a Brit, something they found clearly hilarious. Then apparently it was over and we all went back on the ship. I hope to the dear Lord in Heaven that we never have to abandon ship for real. The drill took an hour and 15 minutes, no one knew what was going on. Maybe fires at sea are slow acting. I hope this is true. Thank you.
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