There is a rascal parked on deck 11 right by the elevators. This is because they probably can’t get it into their room or some other problem of person to hallway to motorized chair ratio. The Rascal has a bumper sticker that reads, in funky font: “MY POMERANIAN IS SMARTER THAN YOUR HONOR STUDENT.”
The best story thus far:
a) we do a scene in the show about how a guy can’t express his emotions—that’s the joke of it. It mentions a cat that was just put to sleep.
b) Several months ago, on the cruise director’s birthday, he was called out of a dinner to deal with an irate passenger. The passenger was a woman who was bawling out the ladies at reception because she was furious about the comedy show she had just seen, that she was offended by the mention of a cat dying because she had a cat that had just died. She said she is in charge of a union of 60,000 people and that union would shut down all of NCL, since our comedy troupe is on several other ships. She was out of her mind.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
NYC, Asians, Sleep
Boat!
We port every week in New York City, which is a wonderful antidote for living on a ship with giant fleshiness. I got in a cab and as we were driving, the cabbie asked me to re-close the door. Another cabbie threw me his cabbie/tourist directory to figure out where we were driving. The directory made no sense, and by the time we got to the pier, he made it clear that he had been there many times before.
I am becoming cruise-ified again. I went to M&M World in Times Square, because I must due to the way Peanut M&Ms taste. There was nothing in there. All tchotchke crap, like a resin peanut m&m bag with 3 mini snow-globes. Or crap purses. I thought of buying a huge M&M pillow very briefly. Then I left. I announced to my cast mates how crap that store is and how there is nothing in M&M World and no one should go there. My cast mates informed me that I apparently missed the escalator and stairs that take you up to the top floor where there are endless candy delights in every possible theme and color. Heh. Oh.
I went to the New York Library, which is a research library in Manhattan. It is gorgeous. It is the polar opposite of a cruise ship and I sat in the Baltic Studies room and downloaded things. Everything is historical and old and hand crafted and elegant. The Rose Reading room made me become either more beautiful than ever before or have terrifying laser death eyes that people could feel. I made meaningful eye contact with hundreds of people. It is incredibly wonderful to see large masses of human beings and have them be STUDYING and using their MIND and QUIET underneath wood and hand painted oil frescoes. Also there were several galleries of ART actual ART and portraits of old dead Americans (one with a wall eye, bonus) and people tell you things like “you can’t do that in here” which is wonderful. Unfortunately, there was also a homeless gentleman wearing a suit with one leg ripped off to the point of Daisy Duke shorts getting dressed in the corner of one of the art exhibits. So, it’s not entirely fairyland.
We have an impressive sail away on this run. “Sail Away” is the technical term for the amount of time you spend sailing away. Everyone gets on the top of the ship and takes pictures of each other. I yapped on the phone in a lounge chair, desperate to yap on the phone. I sat next to 3 ladies, probably related, one was much older. As soon as we started to leave the port, one of the freaked out and squealed “weeee’re starting to MOOOOVE!!!” I also saw a full cookie randomly tossed out into the hallway.
Roommate and self are probably a little crabby today. Our cast mates warned us that our room is louder than the others. We have a pole in the middle of it, which I like because I can put my foot on it. The room wasn’t loud the entire week, so I happily could follow the worldview that “everyone else is an oversensitive whiner.” Well, turns out the night before we come BACK to port, the two walls and the pole become giant drums. There is a crew hallway next to my bed and behind our room. I think they must put luggage there. And by put, I mean “slam against wall” or “drop things” or “purposefully throw things on the ground, like a metal tray of metal trays.” My wall and bed repeatedly shook. Also, the pole in our room is a drainage pipe for the buffet, I think. Or a pipe that you put large metal cans down, or noise bombs that will explode in the middle of our room. Meaning: we woke up over and over and over again swearing, and mein roommate wears earplugs. I dreamt about helicopters flying low to the ground. Just saying.
Also, I am learning to play ukulele and therefore got all of the verses to “Clementine.” It is dark and depressing and terrible and about a girl drowning and someone who can’t save her. Terrible.
Quote of last cruise, a New Jersey gentleman teenager walked outside, lifted his arms and shouted: “FYI I’m F-L-Y.” Priceless.
Also, we went to see the comedian tonight. He does a lot of wife-based and how-horrible-marriage-is based jokes. We sat by a Chinese family of 2 parents and 2 girls, both around 9. One of the girls laughed very hard whenever anyone else laughed. This was hilarious, especially when the comedian went on his Asian-jokes tear. Like “I had a girlfriend who was Chinese. She was a cashier. Her name was Ka Ching.” Oooh did that 9 year old like that. Also the “I ordered checks from my bank, they said they’d send me the regular, already stamped ‘insufficient funds.’” Apparently the 9 year old understands financial checking difficulties. This was a delight.
We port every week in New York City, which is a wonderful antidote for living on a ship with giant fleshiness. I got in a cab and as we were driving, the cabbie asked me to re-close the door. Another cabbie threw me his cabbie/tourist directory to figure out where we were driving. The directory made no sense, and by the time we got to the pier, he made it clear that he had been there many times before.
I am becoming cruise-ified again. I went to M&M World in Times Square, because I must due to the way Peanut M&Ms taste. There was nothing in there. All tchotchke crap, like a resin peanut m&m bag with 3 mini snow-globes. Or crap purses. I thought of buying a huge M&M pillow very briefly. Then I left. I announced to my cast mates how crap that store is and how there is nothing in M&M World and no one should go there. My cast mates informed me that I apparently missed the escalator and stairs that take you up to the top floor where there are endless candy delights in every possible theme and color. Heh. Oh.
I went to the New York Library, which is a research library in Manhattan. It is gorgeous. It is the polar opposite of a cruise ship and I sat in the Baltic Studies room and downloaded things. Everything is historical and old and hand crafted and elegant. The Rose Reading room made me become either more beautiful than ever before or have terrifying laser death eyes that people could feel. I made meaningful eye contact with hundreds of people. It is incredibly wonderful to see large masses of human beings and have them be STUDYING and using their MIND and QUIET underneath wood and hand painted oil frescoes. Also there were several galleries of ART actual ART and portraits of old dead Americans (one with a wall eye, bonus) and people tell you things like “you can’t do that in here” which is wonderful. Unfortunately, there was also a homeless gentleman wearing a suit with one leg ripped off to the point of Daisy Duke shorts getting dressed in the corner of one of the art exhibits. So, it’s not entirely fairyland.
We have an impressive sail away on this run. “Sail Away” is the technical term for the amount of time you spend sailing away. Everyone gets on the top of the ship and takes pictures of each other. I yapped on the phone in a lounge chair, desperate to yap on the phone. I sat next to 3 ladies, probably related, one was much older. As soon as we started to leave the port, one of the freaked out and squealed “weeee’re starting to MOOOOVE!!!” I also saw a full cookie randomly tossed out into the hallway.
Roommate and self are probably a little crabby today. Our cast mates warned us that our room is louder than the others. We have a pole in the middle of it, which I like because I can put my foot on it. The room wasn’t loud the entire week, so I happily could follow the worldview that “everyone else is an oversensitive whiner.” Well, turns out the night before we come BACK to port, the two walls and the pole become giant drums. There is a crew hallway next to my bed and behind our room. I think they must put luggage there. And by put, I mean “slam against wall” or “drop things” or “purposefully throw things on the ground, like a metal tray of metal trays.” My wall and bed repeatedly shook. Also, the pole in our room is a drainage pipe for the buffet, I think. Or a pipe that you put large metal cans down, or noise bombs that will explode in the middle of our room. Meaning: we woke up over and over and over again swearing, and mein roommate wears earplugs. I dreamt about helicopters flying low to the ground. Just saying.
Also, I am learning to play ukulele and therefore got all of the verses to “Clementine.” It is dark and depressing and terrible and about a girl drowning and someone who can’t save her. Terrible.
Quote of last cruise, a New Jersey gentleman teenager walked outside, lifted his arms and shouted: “FYI I’m F-L-Y.” Priceless.
Also, we went to see the comedian tonight. He does a lot of wife-based and how-horrible-marriage-is based jokes. We sat by a Chinese family of 2 parents and 2 girls, both around 9. One of the girls laughed very hard whenever anyone else laughed. This was hilarious, especially when the comedian went on his Asian-jokes tear. Like “I had a girlfriend who was Chinese. She was a cashier. Her name was Ka Ching.” Oooh did that 9 year old like that. Also the “I ordered checks from my bank, they said they’d send me the regular, already stamped ‘insufficient funds.’” Apparently the 9 year old understands financial checking difficulties. This was a delight.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Spiritum
This new ship is very cocky about it’s GI problem. There are hand sanitizers kinda…arouuund. Apparently someone in one of the previous casts got GI, but as someone said, scoldingly, “he was playing beer pong in the crew bar.” On the last ship, we were aggressively sanitized at every possibility. There were hand sanitizers at the door of ever restaurant, in front of the elevators, in the elevators, as you enter the buffet—and those are the stand alone, laser eye versions. There were humans with spray bottles who aggressively sanitized you. Here, there are more than a few double-paned windows with mold growing between them. Hand sanitizers are around, but only the stand alone versions and only here and there, as if to say “meh, if YOU think you need it.”
I forgot that people have dots behind their ears, which is a transdermal anti-barf system. I have felt sluggish and tired, which is how it is when you get on ships.
The clientle here is famously New Jersey apparently. I wouldn’t know exactly, but there are a lot of tattoos on dads (I just saw Yosemite Sam) and kids with large chains (silver/gold) and large crosses on them. Generally there are a lot of eyebrows. I have only seen a little bit of ice cream so far.
As per usual, the chocolate chip cookies disappear immediately. We met the two magicians, a husband & wife team, who are obviously fascinating.
We saw teenagers being RADICAL! To one another via “your freckles turn green in the sun” spake by a dark, freckle free Italian-ish pre-pubescent boy (physically) with a post pubescent attitude (emotionally). He did not make eye contact with the girl (taller) that he was trying to impress. She said “what? Hahaha that’s not true hahaha.” He and his shy buddy both were wearing large silver crosses.
A very large woman in a bathing suit decided to use the handicapped bathroom. She was not handicapped, but I guess didn’t want to open the door, so she pressed the button. This revealed a gentleman already using the bathroom. They had a long exchange of mutual annoyed muttering. She then walked to use the non-handicapped bathroom. He eventually left, revealing himself not to be handicapped.
We walk through the casino a lot. I have very strong negative feelings about casinos, so this will be a challenge for self. There are Sopranos themed one armed bandits…jackpots…see this is how your brain dies. I cannot think of SLOTS!!! Slots. This is an appropriate theme because so many people are from Jersey.
A note about flip flops: many people purchase flip flops with about ¾ of an inch extra hanging off the back.
The buffet closed. Almost entirely. The ice cream station: remained open.
I forgot that people have dots behind their ears, which is a transdermal anti-barf system. I have felt sluggish and tired, which is how it is when you get on ships.
The clientle here is famously New Jersey apparently. I wouldn’t know exactly, but there are a lot of tattoos on dads (I just saw Yosemite Sam) and kids with large chains (silver/gold) and large crosses on them. Generally there are a lot of eyebrows. I have only seen a little bit of ice cream so far.
As per usual, the chocolate chip cookies disappear immediately. We met the two magicians, a husband & wife team, who are obviously fascinating.
We saw teenagers being RADICAL! To one another via “your freckles turn green in the sun” spake by a dark, freckle free Italian-ish pre-pubescent boy (physically) with a post pubescent attitude (emotionally). He did not make eye contact with the girl (taller) that he was trying to impress. She said “what? Hahaha that’s not true hahaha.” He and his shy buddy both were wearing large silver crosses.
A very large woman in a bathing suit decided to use the handicapped bathroom. She was not handicapped, but I guess didn’t want to open the door, so she pressed the button. This revealed a gentleman already using the bathroom. They had a long exchange of mutual annoyed muttering. She then walked to use the non-handicapped bathroom. He eventually left, revealing himself not to be handicapped.
We walk through the casino a lot. I have very strong negative feelings about casinos, so this will be a challenge for self. There are Sopranos themed one armed bandits…jackpots…see this is how your brain dies. I cannot think of SLOTS!!! Slots. This is an appropriate theme because so many people are from Jersey.
A note about flip flops: many people purchase flip flops with about ¾ of an inch extra hanging off the back.
The buffet closed. Almost entirely. The ice cream station: remained open.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The Spirit Commenceth
Day 1, back on board a new ship.
This time it is the Norwegian Spirit, a ship my old castmate Becky used to worship because she loved it so much. I am sad to say I can understand why a little bit, particularly compared to the last one. Which means I am turning into someone who compares cruise ships. Cue slow metamorphosis into the audience.
At the port today, the guy on the elevator flipped out that we got to go away for 4 months. “Let me guess, SINGLE, SINGLE, SINGLE, SINGLE, SINGLE.” We said “heh heh heh um.”
All cruise directors are now required to take a picture where they are dressed in all white and are wearing angel wings. This is all across the board. This is hilarious. It used to be dignified and boring pictures like from a stuffy business.
I am having déjà vu.
This time it is the Norwegian Spirit, a ship my old castmate Becky used to worship because she loved it so much. I am sad to say I can understand why a little bit, particularly compared to the last one. Which means I am turning into someone who compares cruise ships. Cue slow metamorphosis into the audience.
At the port today, the guy on the elevator flipped out that we got to go away for 4 months. “Let me guess, SINGLE, SINGLE, SINGLE, SINGLE, SINGLE.” We said “heh heh heh um.”
All cruise directors are now required to take a picture where they are dressed in all white and are wearing angel wings. This is all across the board. This is hilarious. It used to be dignified and boring pictures like from a stuffy business.
I am having déjà vu.
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