Back in LA

I am now off the boat as of one week and back in Los Angeles. Here are the thoughts:

Dear God why is everyone so thin.
No one is smiling.
Everyone is fascinating!
Everyone is shallow and full of sheet.
It smells Amazing!
It smells Amazing!
It smells Amazing!

When you are squirrelly, you can take out the trash, which is Amazing, or you can do garden work if you are staying in a house with a garden.

I am finally experiencing TV that is age appropriate and geared towards me and not a 55 year old or older. We had only CNN and movie channels that always played: Dan in Real Life. Elizabeth II. Bee Movie. Depending on your lottery number based on your DNA you always got the exact same part of the same movie. I always got Dan in Real Life and Elizabeth II when a woman looking knight is trying to shoot Cate Blanchet. I have rabid opinions on Dan in Real Life. Someone quoted it and I was like "NO I'M SORRY I DON'T REMEMBER THAT PART." Also, THAT MOVIE IS SCHMALTZ AND I DO NOT BELIEVE STEVE CARRELL AND JULIETTE BINOCHE AND I AM SURPRISED AT HOW MUCH I LIKED DANE COOK. This is because I have seen it so many times. This is how I am overreacting with normal people who are my friends. Also, my cronie started watching The Deadliest Catch on Bravo or something and my interest in seeing a boat or the ocean is -99999999999%. Also, I am fluffier and fatter now, which is a result of calorie math and makes sense. I know this is the case for sure because I am going to be a bridesmaid in about 10 days and I am not going to be breathing too well and this is after I got all cocky and brought back my sewing machine to take the dress in. People in LA don't eat dessert and I forgot.

Due to the insane generosity of friends and the fact that I live in LA in theory, I am now driving a friend's Audi and probably staying in his apartment if I can get the keys. Mainly, I am staying in the Audi because all of my clothes are in the back. I am a snail, as said Friend Andy. I have this WEALTH because my friend is shooting a reality show, which is hilarious and means he is gone for one month. The Audi is amazing. This is my direct reaction to Mexico. I love this Audi and standing on the gas and merging. I love the music although maybe I blew the speakers and I love showing off because it is a 2007 and black and shiny and I am shallow until I have to drive another old Honda, when I will once again be deep.

I have also been in the Pacific Northwest in the interim. So I went on a hike in jeans which I know highlights me as CREEPY TOURIST in the LA hiking systems. Because I am freed from LA via my expanded hips and non-tan, I did not care.

Also, I went to a bachelorette party last weekend which was very fun and bachelorette-ie and we all talked about weight and diets and food, which I forgot about being a very LA conversation. This does not happen on a ship, besides "when are the cookies" or with the dancers who we all pretended were insane, but were actually kinda like me about 4 months ago. Also, I forgot how DELIGHTFUL everyone's shoes are in LA.

Other highlights:
Silence
THE INTERNET
Using a phone without spazzing out and realizing you can call someone back
The Real Housewives of New York
General Tivo
Cleaning
Dusting
Making food and then cleaning up
Making your own coffee
Driving around
Hearing snarky LA people say "oh Dear Lord the Midwest" and knowing they have no idea becasue whatever they live here and were not living in the belly of it and also getting mad at them for disliking some of those people.

I go back on another Boat June 22nd.