Here is information!

Hi Guys—

This is where I can be charted.

Quick summary: I am all fine, the boat is all fine, the folks are fun, I am not in love with a random Polish man (sorry mom).

There are about a million things I could say about this boat. Basically, it is crazy. We are in a giant diesel fuelled office building on it’s side that goes up and down the coast. Last week was spent entirely rehearsing, so we didn’t really get to go out and explore. Oh, except for when we rented a boat, got take out chicken and beers (some of which were oddly 10 oz. bottles thingies, so we could pretend we were giants), went around with some of the dancers on the ship and: cruised the harbor of Acupulco. This was very amazing. You do not know you are not in America when on board the ship. This is because you can waste things and eat too much and complain and something will happen. You can also go to the doctor. You know you are not in America when on board a rented tourist boat when things like this happen: the workers get high with the passengers, you are permitted and encouraged to jump off the very top of the boat, with a wet towel to help with traction. You are not given a safety speech and when you count the life vests, there are 4 less than will cover the number of passengers. You are not given safety speeches of any kind. You try to figure out the toilet and pull what turns out to be a urinal cake. You try to change in the bathroom and the door flies open because it cannot be locked. Also, suddenly the seas went so rough that the bow of the boat kinda went even with the ocean and everyone clung for dear life and one guy felt wildly nauseous. But ultimately, you know you are not in America when you play a game with a friend called “I bet I can dance and not touch the walls” and the seas are so rough that this is very hard, and to make more of a challenge you say “I bet you can’t hop on one foot and not touch the walls” because the seas were very rough and then both of you are hopping on one foot and: the floor breaks. The two crew members seemed slightly concerned, but not too terribly. They lifted up the carpet to reveal several layers of totally warped plywood and a 4 inch opening between floorboards. An opening that lead to: whatever is under the floor of the boat. It was cracked and wavey and they made a stern face and said “no no no.” Then one of the singers completely crashed through it and cut up the top of her foot and a tendon on: the engine. There was no first aid kit. So she had to bleed terribly and wait to return to the cruise. O that is not America. Foreigners can’t sue the crap out of anyone.

So that was the big story from last week.

We are doing two scripted shows and two improv shows each week, in addition to two workshops. The scripted shows

I got mad in advance that the food was crappy frozen Sysco crap that every buffet in the world eats. It is surprising to realize, every single time, that this is not the case and that the food is actually really good. The slightly unappetizing thing is that we are repeatedly reminded about diarehha and vomiting. This is because the Norwalk virus is healthy and happy on cruise ships and there was an outbreak rather recently. So. The captian will make announcements discussing vomiting and diahrehha while many humans are waiting in line at a buffet to eat. Announcements like “if you see an accident.” Our last captian didn’t preplan his announcements so they’d go on for like 5 minutes with a lot of “uuuuuuh” and “wash your hands” and “uuuuuh” etc. We just got a new one.

Two interesting things: for me: We are very limited in our use and consumption of chocolate, the internet, and diet soda. In a stroke of business genius, you have to pay like $6.25 a day to be part of the “soda program” which gives you unlimited soda access. This is genius. Coffee, tea, milk, oj (in the a.m.) and iced tea are free. If you are wondering “am I addicted to soda in any fashion?” This is how you can find out. The unfortunate fact for me is that the answer is yes. Also, if you are thinking “am I addicted to chocolate in any fashion?” you will find out. Again, for me, the answer is yes. THERE IS BARELY ANY CHOCOLATE ON BOARD THE SHIP. If you are highly addicted (self=yes) and can easily and quickly discern quality of chocolate, this is where you will be sent to suffer, in an “I am an American” kinda way. I have bought quite a bit of chocolate. I have given chocolate as a present to my room steward who is: like my servant, in that he comes and makes my bed and cleans the room (crazy) and empties the trash (crazy). I can only assume that he is obviously dying for chocolate like: self. He is. Even though he is Jamaican. This is because “we are the world,” just like the song, which they sing at the end of every cruise—every employee gets on stage and then they shoot off confetti.

The ads for cruises show very young hotties enjoying themselves and living freely and independently. This is totally accurate of the clientele on the ship, if by hottie you mean “many old people.” There is kinda some self-selecting that goes on a little bit. There is a smoker section on the top deck where you get some of the partiers (people in mullets, older ladies with facelifts, Eastern Europeans, Germans). It is definitely AMERICA ON DISPLAY a little bit. If you are Gary Larson, I know where you come to find models for your drawings.

If you are a funny improv guy, I know where you should come to date incredibly hot young dancers. They all work on this ship and are soon going to change to an entirely new cast. They serve to encourage quirky untanned comedy women to hit the gym which is sort of interesting because when you run on a treadmill and you are on rough seas, well, it is slightly funny. I’m sure there has been a day where everyone wipes out at once.

Also, re seasickness which is fascinating to some of you who are my female parent: no I have not had it. I was very tired the first day and had some Dramamine, and now when I am on land, it feels very crazy and like solid land is moving. I am very used to constantly moving and readjusting and swaying. Even during improv scenes and general walking.

So, it is off to a good start, even though our first improv shows were, I would say “very bad” insofar as they were boring and dull and we weren’t in our light and during the Q&A session, a passenger asked “what do you do when people leave, like all those people who left during your show?” The two LA people got slightly defensive and name dropped (me and another gentleman) and pontificated and said how wonderful improv is because it teaches you to fail etc. etc. etc. and I said the deadly “well, after a while, your hit ratio just goes up and you get experience and you’re good”—and that night our hubris was mitigated, hereh, and we did a 21 minute version of a game that should take 7. Hereh. So. But we’ll tighten and get better, apparently that is all standard for the ships.

Also, a funny story for those of you who know me: one blackout I am doing (and a blackout is a very short scene) has me being a blowup doll, complete with big round mouth, etc. I say nothing during the scene, and at the end, lose air. Our Karla shows were called “too smart for your own good” sometimes and the one thing that really gets me angry and freaking out is treating ladies like sex widget objects, particularly in comedy. Which is what I am playing. And you know what? The audience loves it. I heard this a lot “oh you were that blow up doll. Oh that was just hilarious.” Or “hey, it’s the blow up doll.” Or during the Q&A session “how do you manage to be so hilarious as the blow up doll.” I said I was taught to sit still by my mother, which they enjoyed, and that playing the blow up doll was actually very difficult because I studied feminism, which they did not enjoy. So. There’s that. Seriously, everyone loves the blowup doll. Hilarious.