Today was the last day in Zihjuatenejo. As soon as we got off of the tender boat, an official looking gentleman asked us if we were interested in going to Los Gatos beach. We, in fact, were, so I inquired as to the price. He was cagey and said $10 round trip each, and since there were 2 of us, $20. He got us immediately after we entered non-cruise ship territory. I said “meh,” he impressed upon us the location of his boat and the round-tripness of his boat. We said we’d shop around, even though he said it was such a good price, etc. We then walked about ½ a block and talked to some taxi drivers, which we found somehow, probably when they said “TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI.” They pointed us to the only way to get to Playa Los Gatos, which is a publicly run service which costs $3.50…round trip. So. There were guys to help us on and off of these small boats, who said “mi prominas!” and also “tips ladies!” I am hardened.
I also got in a cab 4 times in Acapulco and had the fun game of “no cambio!” lie acting twice. I said “ocho, it was ocho” after giving A GENTLEMAN NAMED HOGAR who discussed Madonna with me and other things that I may or may not gusta and informed me that my espagnol was actually muy picanyo and not just poco or even picanyo. I told him he had a slurry Acapulco accent and was probably swearing at me and shouldn’t pander to me with 1980’s Madonna (no I didn’t because I don’t have the spanish). After agreeing to an $8 cab that should be $6, after starting with $15 (very bold), the guy who farms out whities to cabbies said “$10 with tip!” I said “no, OCHO.” Then we go to the destination and he said “no cambio” which was an acting performance and I said “I agreed to ocho” and he said, in English “but my tip” and then started saying “mi propina.” The other guy with the “no cambio” game said “oh no, no cambio” very gravely as though he didn’t work in a cash only business where people give him amounts of change and gave me a 10 peso coin and shrugged so he still got his PROPINA, even though he took the extra extra long way, which is another statement I cannot express in spanish. Also, I could fight these people, but they are driving cars and there is heavy mafia and apparently the risk of kidnapping in Acapulco is not, how you say, small. Meaning, it’s large. Meaning I don’t want to die.
Passenger Bits!
While in that water taxi coming back from Playa Los Gatos, (which was okay because we only met 2 vendors (necklaces, of course and…of course: peanuts), and weird because we witnessed a very nice dog with hangie nipples get assaulted in the water by 3 other gentlemen dogs right in front of 2 well padded whities on vacation) we spent quite some time not moving in said water taxi. Meaning we got in the boat with a lot of fanfare and then idled there for like 15 minutes. There was a big boat backup and 6 identical boats parallel to each other and banging into each other. I should note, the gentleman running the on-off ramp at the Playa was…the same gentleman who suggested we take our $3.50 ride for $10 (exact same ride). 3 other people were there from the ship, one was a woman in full makeup and her husband and son. They had huge hockey sized suitcases, which made no sense because they were from the cruise ship, so they had our same 7-1:30 window. She was getting very furious for many reasons, all based on waiting. So she tried to convince our pilot gentleman to pick it up with a few “I’m going to be sick!”s and “I can’t do this!”es and “Amigo!” and pointing at her watch, which was a Mickey Mouse watch. She proceeded to get madder and said to her husband: “this is cutting into my shopping time!” and it was a little hard to take her seriously because she was wearing those earrings that are three layered and hung on a hoop. I just looked at my camera for verification that it was a cat, and found out that it is Lelu from Lelu and Stitch. One layer is the head, one is the body, one is the feet. She then had some Mexican girls take a picture of her and her family, out of the blue and after about 10 minutes of silence. It took 3 tries to get it right “you need my husband—him—you need 3 people! Tres!” but the girl across from her was sitting too close so they had to pass the camera down the line. O persons.
Also, we would have a lot of guys from restaurants run up to us and suggest getting food, one of whom advertised “good food! clean bathrooms!” which made me miss America and the way people pretend no one uses the bathroom in advertising for lunch. It happened so much that when the last guy came up to us, castmate Mark asked him if he wanted to get a good meal and what did he want, what could he get him. This confused that gentleman greatly.
My dad explained Mexico nonsense with “people are cheaper” which applies in many places, including things that raise and lower in a parking lot. Whatever that bar is called. In USA, we have laser eyes and machines and maybe a person who presses a button. In Mexico, there is the bar across the road and on the other side, there is a large heavy box with a handle on it with a man in a uniform who presses his whole body weight on said box to raise the bar into the air.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Star Seeker
Today I helped judge the Star Seeker Talent Show.
First: there are 5 contestants. The first one was a man, probably 35 and very tall and beefy from Washington State. He sang a country song with a lot of commitment, light dancing and gentle air humping. He also showed us his butt and shook it around for it. The chorus of the song was “How you like me now!” about a woman who turned him down in high school, or a woman friend of Toby Keith or whatever. Our friend was married.
Second: came David Gratz or something. He was doing standup comedy and was from Las Vegas. When he came on stage he said “by trade I am a jeweler, but today I am trying standup comedy” to which someone in the audience said “well, you’re standing up!” He had 5 pieces of 8x11 white paper in his hand, fanned out. When he finished a joke, he’d throw the paper on the floor. Here are some highlights, here is his first joke: “I have a blonde wife who committed suicide.” Hold for laughs, no laughs. “on the note she left it said ‘I will never do it again.’ Go figure.” Hold for laughs, no laughs, dispose of paper. Another hilarious joke, “well, I said I am from Israel, and people say we’re not so smart—“ really? “the Arabs throw rocks at us and we bomb their houses. Then they just have more rocks to throw at us.” Hold for laughs, no laughs, throw paper. “I’m a blond and I have fair skin, where I’m from people call me a son of a bitch.” Uh, in Israel? What? Hold for laughs, no laughs throw paper. “And my mom she is blonde too, she is a cocker spaniel.” HFL, NL, TP. “My mom who is blonde sometimes calls me a son of a bitch. Go figure.” HFL, NL, TP. There were a bunch of other jokes that didn’t make any sense, except for “I was playing slots and a guy came up to me and said ‘which machine’s spitting out the most money.’ I said, ‘the ATM machine.’” HFL, LAUGHS, TP. However, this is the edited version. His included where he lives and the exact way the guy talked, which had a lot of “dude” and “hey man” and “yes, well, I do know where you can find a machine that will be giving you some money” and etc.
His final joke: “my current wife is so obese” current wife? Talking about obese people? On a cruise ship? “that when we have sex, I need the GPS.” HFL, get actual boos, TP. Go figure.
Then a 155 year old woman got up on stage, named Gert, and told about 5 or so jokes. Some old standards, but very well worded. I saw her earlier in the cruise when she got the time for the open mike wrong. The open mike was about 45 minutes and features 2 jokes, one that we couldn’t hear because the person didn’t know how to use the microphone, i.e. “hold by mouth.” A ½ hour later, the lounge singer gets up and sings to songs he plays on his keyboard. This lounge singer is a salty old guy with very few high notes and a good sense of humor who plays a little rough and loves Macs (he thumped me on the back about ‘it’s okay if you have a pc’ and he didn’t leave brusies, which is a surprise). Gert walked up pushing her wheel chair with her husband a few feet behind her and demanded what was happening and where is the comedy. As in like 3 feet from the singer. Singer just said “well, there must be a mistake.” Gert was pissed.
Anyway, Gert charmed the audience at 4 p.m. in the lounge and told many dirty jokes. Her first big laugh was saying “go figure!” and mocking that other guy. Later, she said “are there any kids in the audience?” and there was one, so she said “get ‘em out!” like a battleaxe. She won the contest. But when the cruise director announced “and the winner is…drumroll please!...GERT!” We all looked at Gert and clapped and David got on stage to collect his award with a huge smile. Everyone was confused. The cruise director said “uh…is there something I don’t know” and then David realized his mistake and sat down. Oh dear Lord.
Now the best was before the show, a puffy man with a crazy nose and a fanny pack asked if he could sit next to me. I said no, I was saving the seat for Heather. He asked if Heather could just sit on his lap. He also asked if he could sit on Heather’s lap. It was uncomfortable. After the show, he stood around staring at Heather and I. We made eye contact, he said “what did you think about the standup” and I thought he wanted to taunt him with me for telling “my wife’s so fat” jokes with quintuple the exposition and far too realistic. Heather said “he’s right behind you” to the guy, because David was right there. The guy said “yeah, what do you think.” David was his step brother. So we said he was great. The guy was very insistant about whether or not he should keep going and pursuing it. We said, “uh…sure. Yeah.” Then David stepped up and proceeded to talk to us.
Highlights:
He made excuses for why people inevitably would vote for an old lady. He said he saw her 10 years ago in a club in LA, so she’d been doing this a long time so no wonder. He was working with his microphone only a few times and was practicing with his “mic work” in his room. He also spit on Heather and apologized for it. He only did standup one other time 8 years ago, so this was pretty much his first time. All of that material was ORIGINAL. His friend also interrupted to say he had to go back to his stateroom to “put medicine on my lips. My lips are killing me.” He also told us that, yes, they booed the GPS joke but that originally he had said “a hairy GPS” but the standup on board made him take it out. He talked for a long time about a hairy GPS and how the standup on board ruined the joke because it was going to be too crude but the old lady got to be dirty so that’s not really fair. He probably said “hairy GPS” 5 times. He did have all of the jokes memorized, the paper was just in case. So we encouraged him. Naturally.
First: there are 5 contestants. The first one was a man, probably 35 and very tall and beefy from Washington State. He sang a country song with a lot of commitment, light dancing and gentle air humping. He also showed us his butt and shook it around for it. The chorus of the song was “How you like me now!” about a woman who turned him down in high school, or a woman friend of Toby Keith or whatever. Our friend was married.
Second: came David Gratz or something. He was doing standup comedy and was from Las Vegas. When he came on stage he said “by trade I am a jeweler, but today I am trying standup comedy” to which someone in the audience said “well, you’re standing up!” He had 5 pieces of 8x11 white paper in his hand, fanned out. When he finished a joke, he’d throw the paper on the floor. Here are some highlights, here is his first joke: “I have a blonde wife who committed suicide.” Hold for laughs, no laughs. “on the note she left it said ‘I will never do it again.’ Go figure.” Hold for laughs, no laughs, dispose of paper. Another hilarious joke, “well, I said I am from Israel, and people say we’re not so smart—“ really? “the Arabs throw rocks at us and we bomb their houses. Then they just have more rocks to throw at us.” Hold for laughs, no laughs, throw paper. “I’m a blond and I have fair skin, where I’m from people call me a son of a bitch.” Uh, in Israel? What? Hold for laughs, no laughs throw paper. “And my mom she is blonde too, she is a cocker spaniel.” HFL, NL, TP. “My mom who is blonde sometimes calls me a son of a bitch. Go figure.” HFL, NL, TP. There were a bunch of other jokes that didn’t make any sense, except for “I was playing slots and a guy came up to me and said ‘which machine’s spitting out the most money.’ I said, ‘the ATM machine.’” HFL, LAUGHS, TP. However, this is the edited version. His included where he lives and the exact way the guy talked, which had a lot of “dude” and “hey man” and “yes, well, I do know where you can find a machine that will be giving you some money” and etc.
His final joke: “my current wife is so obese” current wife? Talking about obese people? On a cruise ship? “that when we have sex, I need the GPS.” HFL, get actual boos, TP. Go figure.
Then a 155 year old woman got up on stage, named Gert, and told about 5 or so jokes. Some old standards, but very well worded. I saw her earlier in the cruise when she got the time for the open mike wrong. The open mike was about 45 minutes and features 2 jokes, one that we couldn’t hear because the person didn’t know how to use the microphone, i.e. “hold by mouth.” A ½ hour later, the lounge singer gets up and sings to songs he plays on his keyboard. This lounge singer is a salty old guy with very few high notes and a good sense of humor who plays a little rough and loves Macs (he thumped me on the back about ‘it’s okay if you have a pc’ and he didn’t leave brusies, which is a surprise). Gert walked up pushing her wheel chair with her husband a few feet behind her and demanded what was happening and where is the comedy. As in like 3 feet from the singer. Singer just said “well, there must be a mistake.” Gert was pissed.
Anyway, Gert charmed the audience at 4 p.m. in the lounge and told many dirty jokes. Her first big laugh was saying “go figure!” and mocking that other guy. Later, she said “are there any kids in the audience?” and there was one, so she said “get ‘em out!” like a battleaxe. She won the contest. But when the cruise director announced “and the winner is…drumroll please!...GERT!” We all looked at Gert and clapped and David got on stage to collect his award with a huge smile. Everyone was confused. The cruise director said “uh…is there something I don’t know” and then David realized his mistake and sat down. Oh dear Lord.
Now the best was before the show, a puffy man with a crazy nose and a fanny pack asked if he could sit next to me. I said no, I was saving the seat for Heather. He asked if Heather could just sit on his lap. He also asked if he could sit on Heather’s lap. It was uncomfortable. After the show, he stood around staring at Heather and I. We made eye contact, he said “what did you think about the standup” and I thought he wanted to taunt him with me for telling “my wife’s so fat” jokes with quintuple the exposition and far too realistic. Heather said “he’s right behind you” to the guy, because David was right there. The guy said “yeah, what do you think.” David was his step brother. So we said he was great. The guy was very insistant about whether or not he should keep going and pursuing it. We said, “uh…sure. Yeah.” Then David stepped up and proceeded to talk to us.
Highlights:
He made excuses for why people inevitably would vote for an old lady. He said he saw her 10 years ago in a club in LA, so she’d been doing this a long time so no wonder. He was working with his microphone only a few times and was practicing with his “mic work” in his room. He also spit on Heather and apologized for it. He only did standup one other time 8 years ago, so this was pretty much his first time. All of that material was ORIGINAL. His friend also interrupted to say he had to go back to his stateroom to “put medicine on my lips. My lips are killing me.” He also told us that, yes, they booed the GPS joke but that originally he had said “a hairy GPS” but the standup on board made him take it out. He talked for a long time about a hairy GPS and how the standup on board ruined the joke because it was going to be too crude but the old lady got to be dirty so that’s not really fair. He probably said “hairy GPS” 5 times. He did have all of the jokes memorized, the paper was just in case. So we encouraged him. Naturally.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Meatheads and
Meatheads with Hearts
When you go to the hottub, it’s like this: “oh nooooo, there are people in there. Nooooooo.” (very persecuted) Then you get in anyway because you have walked a few city blocks to get there and when you live here, that feels like Commitment. We met 3 guys who looked like doughy Nascar 40 year olds who would be loud and drunk and talk about upsetting things. One guy was bald and had a very crafted/specifically shaved ½ inch beard, one had short hair and a tattoo on his shoulder, 2 were smoking Cuban cigars and all were drinking Coors Light out of a helmet. Heather and I are Smart and Funky Looking. I thought we were dead.
The first thing they said was “are our cigars bothering you” and offered to put them out. They then proceeded to be absurdly friendly and nice, the three of them were on the cruise as a part of the ½ inch beard guy’s 60th birthday. He was being too cool for school about how “yeah I got a cruise for about 20 people in my family to celebrate my birthday” which is kind of hilarious because it is like bragging about how you helped an old lady. They were a father, his son, and his son in law. They wanted to know all about the shows (without seeing them) and one pronounced “Versailles” “Ver-silly’s” which made it sound like a comedy club and not a hilariously decorated huge gaudy dining room. Then the son in law was just too concerned that he was getting smoke in our faces and leaned over the back of the hot tub to puff really fast on the little stump. Two worked for a bank and one worked for a uniform company in Seattle where they have “I call it pissing rain. Never enough to put your wiper blades on so they don’t squeak.” The son in law was subtlely trying to impress his father in law and we all talked about Rancho Cuchamonga in LA and what ports we liked and how Cabo is so fun at night because the uniform company sends all of it’s people down for a weekend once a year and they all go crazy “as crazy as you want to go in public.”
The son also told us not to go snorkeling in Acapulco (which is obvious because the water is a chemical filled dump, but he didn’t know that. It’s like sight seeing in Gary, Indiana. Bold, Mexico! Bold!). He went on a trip on a boat and said “we saw two fish. One was dead and floating on top of the water and the other was a blowfish that he had to go and get. I mean you couldn’t see sh—nothing.” This made me laugh and laugh and laugh. The son in law said he was thinking about taking his daughter to see dolphins but he thought it would scare her.
We went on a royal dolphin excursion yesterday which means we got in a giant pool with dolphins and hung out with them, which is insane. The best part was hugging them because they don’t make any sense and are warm. They said we could hug them as long as we want, but that was a lie because I wanted 10 minutes. They are strange and it is hard to understand that they are not plants or synthetic or will not kill you.
One other note on the meathead chronicles: we ate dinner in the French restaurant (Le Bistro—go figure). All of the waiters came out and started to sing “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” in varying keys with a selection of accents because a hugely ripped Nascar looking guy just proposed to his girlfriend at dinner, with one of their parents. He then kept crying and trying to get it together via deep sighing and rubbing his eyes and nodding. He could not stop rubbing his eyes like a little kid because I think he kept crying, which was very wonderful because he was ripped and had artfully arranged facial hair and an earring (correct me Heather). I mean he kept crying for about 5? 10? minutes and breathing deeply and nodding at people while the cruise staff came over and took photos of him that he will have to pay for later. Solid gold meathead. You are solid gold.
When you go to the hottub, it’s like this: “oh nooooo, there are people in there. Nooooooo.” (very persecuted) Then you get in anyway because you have walked a few city blocks to get there and when you live here, that feels like Commitment. We met 3 guys who looked like doughy Nascar 40 year olds who would be loud and drunk and talk about upsetting things. One guy was bald and had a very crafted/specifically shaved ½ inch beard, one had short hair and a tattoo on his shoulder, 2 were smoking Cuban cigars and all were drinking Coors Light out of a helmet. Heather and I are Smart and Funky Looking. I thought we were dead.
The first thing they said was “are our cigars bothering you” and offered to put them out. They then proceeded to be absurdly friendly and nice, the three of them were on the cruise as a part of the ½ inch beard guy’s 60th birthday. He was being too cool for school about how “yeah I got a cruise for about 20 people in my family to celebrate my birthday” which is kind of hilarious because it is like bragging about how you helped an old lady. They were a father, his son, and his son in law. They wanted to know all about the shows (without seeing them) and one pronounced “Versailles” “Ver-silly’s” which made it sound like a comedy club and not a hilariously decorated huge gaudy dining room. Then the son in law was just too concerned that he was getting smoke in our faces and leaned over the back of the hot tub to puff really fast on the little stump. Two worked for a bank and one worked for a uniform company in Seattle where they have “I call it pissing rain. Never enough to put your wiper blades on so they don’t squeak.” The son in law was subtlely trying to impress his father in law and we all talked about Rancho Cuchamonga in LA and what ports we liked and how Cabo is so fun at night because the uniform company sends all of it’s people down for a weekend once a year and they all go crazy “as crazy as you want to go in public.”
The son also told us not to go snorkeling in Acapulco (which is obvious because the water is a chemical filled dump, but he didn’t know that. It’s like sight seeing in Gary, Indiana. Bold, Mexico! Bold!). He went on a trip on a boat and said “we saw two fish. One was dead and floating on top of the water and the other was a blowfish that he had to go and get. I mean you couldn’t see sh—nothing.” This made me laugh and laugh and laugh. The son in law said he was thinking about taking his daughter to see dolphins but he thought it would scare her.
We went on a royal dolphin excursion yesterday which means we got in a giant pool with dolphins and hung out with them, which is insane. The best part was hugging them because they don’t make any sense and are warm. They said we could hug them as long as we want, but that was a lie because I wanted 10 minutes. They are strange and it is hard to understand that they are not plants or synthetic or will not kill you.
One other note on the meathead chronicles: we ate dinner in the French restaurant (Le Bistro—go figure). All of the waiters came out and started to sing “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” in varying keys with a selection of accents because a hugely ripped Nascar looking guy just proposed to his girlfriend at dinner, with one of their parents. He then kept crying and trying to get it together via deep sighing and rubbing his eyes and nodding. He could not stop rubbing his eyes like a little kid because I think he kept crying, which was very wonderful because he was ripped and had artfully arranged facial hair and an earring (correct me Heather). I mean he kept crying for about 5? 10? minutes and breathing deeply and nodding at people while the cruise staff came over and took photos of him that he will have to pay for later. Solid gold meathead. You are solid gold.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
MEHXICO!
Mexico!
Mexico in a sentence: “Meh! Close enough!”
Evidence based on large, public business signs:
Mexican English: Masage (massage)
Mexican English: Desings (designs)
Mexican English: Strep Club (strip club—and this one is in neon)
Logic behind it: “meh, just get all the letters in there. If you have some repeat letters, well, don’t put in any repeat letters, that’s crazy.”
I have learned about the definitive aspect of Mexican tourist culture. It is: The Taxi. The Art of the Taxi. Taxart.
Also, it is very effective to manipulate an American, specifically a Midwestern raised American by having an emotional reaction, specifically, a negative public emotional reaction. Example: I find earrings that are silver hoops. Frequently in Mexico, you don’t know if you’re getting silver or silver-plated nickel. I know how cheap silver-plate is based on the fact that I helped buy forks for restaurants that are exactly that. And they cost nothing. Now, with a straight face, the shop owner told me that those earrings, which were also unidentical and kinda bent, like someone sat on one briefly but then said “it’s fine” and put it back, the owner got a serious face and said the price was 350 pesos, or $35. I could get these in LA for like $12, probably tops. Maybe $10 for 3. Of course, to tell me the price in dollars, the owner did fancy things on his calculator, even though the exchange rate is pretty much 10:1. He said, “special price for you, $30.” I said “no way, that is too high” and they got insulted and said “WHAT! But it real silver!” I don’t know what’s in the Art of the Deal, but it is very effective to say “I don’t care, that price is too high.” They said “what would you pay, name your price” so I said “$10.” This caused a lot of “NOOO!” and “Don’t be a cheap-o!” and “This real silver!!!” and “if you want nice things you have to spend money!” And the getting over of the manager and a new calculator machine and a lot of sighing. Then they said “okay, $25.” No.
They are not interested in personal space or a quiet way of thinking over a purchase. One guy put a salsa dish in Heather’s hand (who is my friend who is visiting haaay), knocked on it, said “knock on it! You can put salsa in it!” and led her into his kiosk so all of a sudden we lost her. If you enter a shop, you will have a tiny Mexican friend 1 foot or less away from you suggesting things for your home, or tshirt, or for salsa. Also, they will insist these items are very original and take a lot of work, even though you may have seen one before, hundreds of times on beaches and everywhere all over Mexico. They do not mind if you just say “NO,” make no eye contact, or are even ruder and say nothing and pretend they are not there. We are all from the Midwest, usually make eye contact and say “no gracias.” They do not care about this.
Other operative words in a market: “Just for fun!” “Check it out!” “Almost free!”
AND NOW: TAXIS.
When you leave the ship, this is what happens: “TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI.” “YOU WANNA TAXI” or “WHERE YOU WANT TO GO” or also the time honored joke, “YOU WANNA GO TO MIAMI” which I don’t totally get but is apparently hilarious. Now. To take a tour around the city, you can get with a tour group and do it that way. This will be very Americanized and much more expensive. However, the Americanized portion is that you hear the price beforehand and there is air conditioning, and multiple tour guides who wear matching shirts, and you will wear a sticker indicating you are part of a tour, etc. etc. etc. Then there is the Mexican option. Or you can go freelance and just take a taxi somewhere. In Mexico, the taxi driver also becomes your tour guide. We know this now because 3 of us met a gentleman named Martin. This was after I decided we could tour around Acapulco for $20 round trip. Just a quick tour up to a giant cross and a peace garden with some giant hand sculpture that two people from Philadelphia told me about in a cab. Go up, la la la, come back, la la la. 1 hour. Okay. The first person I asked about this (i.e. “TAXI TAXI TAXI!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “sure, I’d like to go to that chapel for $20.” “YOU INSULT ME!”) didn’t work. The second one entered a bargaining war a little bit and walked with us for a while but was gravely insulted by my offer. He said $60 because “3 people! Air conditioning!” The farther you got from the ship, the more loose cannonish the cabbie strata became, like a gobstopper or layers in a septic tank. So we got a $25 deal to go to the chapel, “no problem.” At first we were going to have lunch and go afterwards. Martin informed us that we had to go right away because the chapel closed at 4 p.m. and we could have lunch afterwards in the square. The little part he left out was that the chapel actually opened at 4 p.m. and that this was a fact that he knew. So he took us on a ride and somehow we ended up eating lunch at Senor Frog’s, even though he said “La Vista is better” not like a minute earlier. He also had some brochures in his car for a silver store as well as a restaurant. At Senor Frogs, he clearly got some kind of a kick back, considering he had been there before and hung out with his buddies outside and the prices were American-equivalent. Beer in Mexico is $1, margueritas, $3. In Senor Frog’s, marguerites are $7.
The old adage “they see a cruise ship and triple their prices” is true. This flies in the face of whitie/gringo guilt and a desire to help the local economy sans ending your personal economy. Guilt is an effective marketing tool as evidenced by human history and Martin’s story of his three boys who want to be a doctor, a lawyer and an architect, and yes the universities are free in Mexico, but the good ones are private and that’s where he wants to send them, and p.s. it is hard to be a cabbie, all of which came up right around the time we were going to pay. He recommended a $40/plate restaurant earlier which made all 3 of us go “TOO MUCH!” which should have indicated our budgets. O Martin! He also told us in depth about how corrupt Mexico is and how the Mafia is everywhere and the presidents are always in bed with the Mafia.
When Martin let us out of the cab, he counted the money we gave him in front of the cab ($30, $25 plus a $5 tip) with a little flair and drama. He said “oooooh, I don’t think this is good for me” and then said a good way for us to make it up to him was $10. This is another bargaining technique. Get a person in the door for the price they want, then nickel+dime/tell a dramatic story and use their personalities against them. Also I have no idea if that was fair or not. However, if you become a hard cold bitch and say “no, we’re not doing that and you knew when we got in the cab when that place opens” they will say “okay” and shake your hand and let you go. It would be less of a deal if he didn’t say “oh I take people here every day.” Heather created a very good relationship with him and chatted while I farted around. Heather was obviously, very ready to pay him the extra money, i.e., it was hanging out of her pocket. She was crushed!
Interesting Mexico fact:
All roads lead to Mexico City. So if you want to get to a city in the middle of Mexico from another city in the middle of Mexico, you have to go to Mexico City first. This makes getting around completely insane. It also means that if you have say…a farm that grows drugs and you are in the middle of Mexico, you are pretty much out of the way. Basically, it’s a great place to be in the mafia. Also, cabbies won’t tell on you because you can just kill them or something horrible! This did make us slightly nervous about what happened with Martin vis a vis will he have us hunted down and killed next week.
Random note:
The ship moves a lot so the hangers in your closet knock against the sides. This is what causes us all to randomly answer our door at all hours and to slowly think someone is always messing with you. Heather, too, randomly answered the door.
Mexico in a sentence: “Meh! Close enough!”
Evidence based on large, public business signs:
Mexican English: Masage (massage)
Mexican English: Desings (designs)
Mexican English: Strep Club (strip club—and this one is in neon)
Logic behind it: “meh, just get all the letters in there. If you have some repeat letters, well, don’t put in any repeat letters, that’s crazy.”
I have learned about the definitive aspect of Mexican tourist culture. It is: The Taxi. The Art of the Taxi. Taxart.
Also, it is very effective to manipulate an American, specifically a Midwestern raised American by having an emotional reaction, specifically, a negative public emotional reaction. Example: I find earrings that are silver hoops. Frequently in Mexico, you don’t know if you’re getting silver or silver-plated nickel. I know how cheap silver-plate is based on the fact that I helped buy forks for restaurants that are exactly that. And they cost nothing. Now, with a straight face, the shop owner told me that those earrings, which were also unidentical and kinda bent, like someone sat on one briefly but then said “it’s fine” and put it back, the owner got a serious face and said the price was 350 pesos, or $35. I could get these in LA for like $12, probably tops. Maybe $10 for 3. Of course, to tell me the price in dollars, the owner did fancy things on his calculator, even though the exchange rate is pretty much 10:1. He said, “special price for you, $30.” I said “no way, that is too high” and they got insulted and said “WHAT! But it real silver!” I don’t know what’s in the Art of the Deal, but it is very effective to say “I don’t care, that price is too high.” They said “what would you pay, name your price” so I said “$10.” This caused a lot of “NOOO!” and “Don’t be a cheap-o!” and “This real silver!!!” and “if you want nice things you have to spend money!” And the getting over of the manager and a new calculator machine and a lot of sighing. Then they said “okay, $25.” No.
They are not interested in personal space or a quiet way of thinking over a purchase. One guy put a salsa dish in Heather’s hand (who is my friend who is visiting haaay), knocked on it, said “knock on it! You can put salsa in it!” and led her into his kiosk so all of a sudden we lost her. If you enter a shop, you will have a tiny Mexican friend 1 foot or less away from you suggesting things for your home, or tshirt, or for salsa. Also, they will insist these items are very original and take a lot of work, even though you may have seen one before, hundreds of times on beaches and everywhere all over Mexico. They do not mind if you just say “NO,” make no eye contact, or are even ruder and say nothing and pretend they are not there. We are all from the Midwest, usually make eye contact and say “no gracias.” They do not care about this.
Other operative words in a market: “Just for fun!” “Check it out!” “Almost free!”
AND NOW: TAXIS.
When you leave the ship, this is what happens: “TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI.” “YOU WANNA TAXI” or “WHERE YOU WANT TO GO” or also the time honored joke, “YOU WANNA GO TO MIAMI” which I don’t totally get but is apparently hilarious. Now. To take a tour around the city, you can get with a tour group and do it that way. This will be very Americanized and much more expensive. However, the Americanized portion is that you hear the price beforehand and there is air conditioning, and multiple tour guides who wear matching shirts, and you will wear a sticker indicating you are part of a tour, etc. etc. etc. Then there is the Mexican option. Or you can go freelance and just take a taxi somewhere. In Mexico, the taxi driver also becomes your tour guide. We know this now because 3 of us met a gentleman named Martin. This was after I decided we could tour around Acapulco for $20 round trip. Just a quick tour up to a giant cross and a peace garden with some giant hand sculpture that two people from Philadelphia told me about in a cab. Go up, la la la, come back, la la la. 1 hour. Okay. The first person I asked about this (i.e. “TAXI TAXI TAXI!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “sure, I’d like to go to that chapel for $20.” “YOU INSULT ME!”) didn’t work. The second one entered a bargaining war a little bit and walked with us for a while but was gravely insulted by my offer. He said $60 because “3 people! Air conditioning!” The farther you got from the ship, the more loose cannonish the cabbie strata became, like a gobstopper or layers in a septic tank. So we got a $25 deal to go to the chapel, “no problem.” At first we were going to have lunch and go afterwards. Martin informed us that we had to go right away because the chapel closed at 4 p.m. and we could have lunch afterwards in the square. The little part he left out was that the chapel actually opened at 4 p.m. and that this was a fact that he knew. So he took us on a ride and somehow we ended up eating lunch at Senor Frog’s, even though he said “La Vista is better” not like a minute earlier. He also had some brochures in his car for a silver store as well as a restaurant. At Senor Frogs, he clearly got some kind of a kick back, considering he had been there before and hung out with his buddies outside and the prices were American-equivalent. Beer in Mexico is $1, margueritas, $3. In Senor Frog’s, marguerites are $7.
The old adage “they see a cruise ship and triple their prices” is true. This flies in the face of whitie/gringo guilt and a desire to help the local economy sans ending your personal economy. Guilt is an effective marketing tool as evidenced by human history and Martin’s story of his three boys who want to be a doctor, a lawyer and an architect, and yes the universities are free in Mexico, but the good ones are private and that’s where he wants to send them, and p.s. it is hard to be a cabbie, all of which came up right around the time we were going to pay. He recommended a $40/plate restaurant earlier which made all 3 of us go “TOO MUCH!” which should have indicated our budgets. O Martin! He also told us in depth about how corrupt Mexico is and how the Mafia is everywhere and the presidents are always in bed with the Mafia.
When Martin let us out of the cab, he counted the money we gave him in front of the cab ($30, $25 plus a $5 tip) with a little flair and drama. He said “oooooh, I don’t think this is good for me” and then said a good way for us to make it up to him was $10. This is another bargaining technique. Get a person in the door for the price they want, then nickel+dime/tell a dramatic story and use their personalities against them. Also I have no idea if that was fair or not. However, if you become a hard cold bitch and say “no, we’re not doing that and you knew when we got in the cab when that place opens” they will say “okay” and shake your hand and let you go. It would be less of a deal if he didn’t say “oh I take people here every day.” Heather created a very good relationship with him and chatted while I farted around. Heather was obviously, very ready to pay him the extra money, i.e., it was hanging out of her pocket. She was crushed!
Interesting Mexico fact:
All roads lead to Mexico City. So if you want to get to a city in the middle of Mexico from another city in the middle of Mexico, you have to go to Mexico City first. This makes getting around completely insane. It also means that if you have say…a farm that grows drugs and you are in the middle of Mexico, you are pretty much out of the way. Basically, it’s a great place to be in the mafia. Also, cabbies won’t tell on you because you can just kill them or something horrible! This did make us slightly nervous about what happened with Martin vis a vis will he have us hunted down and killed next week.
Random note:
The ship moves a lot so the hangers in your closet knock against the sides. This is what causes us all to randomly answer our door at all hours and to slowly think someone is always messing with you. Heather, too, randomly answered the door.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Those KIDS again
Again, I taught the kids, this time we mixed the 10-12 year olds with the 6-9 year olds. This means that sometimes we would have a 6 year old and a 12 year old trying to do very simple improv exercises together, where you could see very clearly how hard it was for a 6 year old to remember things like “rotate out” considering every single one forgot and instead of rotating one position would just try to go sit down in the audience. The 12 year olds got it very clearly, but would say things like “you’re ugly” or “oh there’s an ugly hitchhiker” every time—and that was one kid who had brown sandals and socks and maybe was a German? But the best, of course, was the Q&A section, as always. This is because the first question, after saying very calmly “and do you have any questions for us? About what we do? Or improv?” the first burning question was “what is your favorite insect?” Mark said “uh I guess a praying mantis?” and I said “uh, well, I like those bugs that roll up into pills and you can flick them around, the pill bugs” and this caused a large commotion because “those are rolly-pollys!” and blah blah blah, then one very concerned child said “WHAT ABOUT BEETLES!” and a more concerned one said “OR BUTTERFLIES! WHAT ABOUT BUTTERFLIES!” Then we moved on from that subject to the next question: “what is your favorite animal?”
I am noticing fertility children on the ship, mainly because they are dressed exactly alike or have totally similar twin-like demeanors and haircuts and weights and ages, but are just a hair off and just a little bit not exactly identical. We had two blond 7 year old boys like this, one named Sawyer, the other named Tanner, sweet and quiet and cute with oddly VERY long fingernails, so they looked like they had mini versions of society wives hands. They had questions, but when you called on them they’d forget, which is probably one of my favorite things about 6-7 year olds. Each one raised his hand and forgot, which no one else really minded in the room, another hilarious thing about that age group, and when one of them finally remembered what he needed to know, he said “what is your favorite butterfly?” because he was apparently very bothered from earlier.
Another delightful overheard was “we just hit a whale” after the ship shifted and the response of “a whale with big teeth” and another kid losing his mind about “whales do not have teeth!”
Also, a porky wonderful shy little 8 year old boy with crew cut brown hair and a loud orange tshirt who was too terrified to join in on most of the improv games and would catch up a beat afterwards, came up to ask me a very important question that he didn’t get to ask in the Q&A section. He didn’t really make eye contact and just looked around at the floor and said “can I ask you a question” and I said yes and he very shyly whispered, “what do you do in your spare time?” I said I like reading and watching movies and walking around and he very solemnly nodded with his mouth open and then walked away.
OTHER ITEMS:
Two decrepit, shaking bent over old ladies in the elevator said “oh yeah we went on that tequila tour” “how was it?” “well the flavored kind was good, anything else is terrible.”
I am noticing fertility children on the ship, mainly because they are dressed exactly alike or have totally similar twin-like demeanors and haircuts and weights and ages, but are just a hair off and just a little bit not exactly identical. We had two blond 7 year old boys like this, one named Sawyer, the other named Tanner, sweet and quiet and cute with oddly VERY long fingernails, so they looked like they had mini versions of society wives hands. They had questions, but when you called on them they’d forget, which is probably one of my favorite things about 6-7 year olds. Each one raised his hand and forgot, which no one else really minded in the room, another hilarious thing about that age group, and when one of them finally remembered what he needed to know, he said “what is your favorite butterfly?” because he was apparently very bothered from earlier.
Another delightful overheard was “we just hit a whale” after the ship shifted and the response of “a whale with big teeth” and another kid losing his mind about “whales do not have teeth!”
Also, a porky wonderful shy little 8 year old boy with crew cut brown hair and a loud orange tshirt who was too terrified to join in on most of the improv games and would catch up a beat afterwards, came up to ask me a very important question that he didn’t get to ask in the Q&A section. He didn’t really make eye contact and just looked around at the floor and said “can I ask you a question” and I said yes and he very shyly whispered, “what do you do in your spare time?” I said I like reading and watching movies and walking around and he very solemnly nodded with his mouth open and then walked away.
OTHER ITEMS:
Two decrepit, shaking bent over old ladies in the elevator said “oh yeah we went on that tequila tour” “how was it?” “well the flavored kind was good, anything else is terrible.”
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