I escorted a snorkeling tour in Tortola. It was run by a couple who sold their house in Florida last year, bought a boat, and now live in Tortola. The guy, Bill, loves snorkeling to the point that he does it on his days off. I asked his wife, Ginger, if she likes living in Tortola. She had a huge smile and looked like an aged, very happy, tanned movie star. She said, with a gentle accent, “it’s kinda like livin’ in a 3rd world country? I mean, there is NOTHIN’ to do. They’ve been building a movie theater for FIVE years. And it’s exPENsive. I mean, a gallon of milk is 11 dollars.” I had to make sure I understood that for a while, as in “you don’t mean $11 US, right.” And she had to say “yes! Yes! $11! And I like milk! Bill drinks milk all the time! I mean you can get the boxed milk but that’s not homogenized and…no.” She said it’s made her really appreciate the US. Especially “things like, you know, TARGET” because Target is crack to women.
She later offered to spray sunscreen on my back, which I found condescending, so I condescended back and informed her I have been pale my whole life, and now I have a burn on my back so bad that it hurts to lean back in chairs and take showers. HUBRIS!
Bill showed us all sorts of coral and wildlife. He looked like a chiseled, tan star from old movies and he’d free dive all over the place. I thought “hm, I can do that” and took my head down probably…8 feet…and the rest of the day my nose would randomly drip water about once an hour.
We snorkeled around Norman Island and went to the famous cave from Treasure Island lore—the only cave where they actually found a treasure chest. This cave is probably 15 feet by 6 feet. And no historical markers or anything.
We also went to 3 rocks called “the Indians,” named that by Christopher Columbus. They had an insane wall of coral with neon colors and growths that looked like they were from a cartoon. It felt completely fake. If you told me all the fish were fake and they were planted there and drawn by someone at Disney, I would say “I know.”
Bill made it clear he finds Global Warming a bunch of crap. He said the Caribbean coral is healthier than he’s ever seen it, and the reason everything is dying off the coast of Key West is because the Army Corps of Engineers is pouring fresh water into the ocean, which kills the coral. Then he’d say “clean your mask” or “they need to move their anchor, because it’s in sea grass and that’s what the turtles eat—but this guy’s a real local-local, so he does whatever he wants.” He also pulled up a sea cucumber which looked like plastic sheeting on the end of a gas pump nozzle.
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