MEHXICO!

Mexico!

Mexico in a sentence: “Meh! Close enough!”

Evidence based on large, public business signs:
Mexican English: Masage (massage)
Mexican English: Desings (designs)
Mexican English: Strep Club (strip club—and this one is in neon)

Logic behind it: “meh, just get all the letters in there. If you have some repeat letters, well, don’t put in any repeat letters, that’s crazy.”

I have learned about the definitive aspect of Mexican tourist culture. It is: The Taxi. The Art of the Taxi. Taxart.

Also, it is very effective to manipulate an American, specifically a Midwestern raised American by having an emotional reaction, specifically, a negative public emotional reaction. Example: I find earrings that are silver hoops. Frequently in Mexico, you don’t know if you’re getting silver or silver-plated nickel. I know how cheap silver-plate is based on the fact that I helped buy forks for restaurants that are exactly that. And they cost nothing. Now, with a straight face, the shop owner told me that those earrings, which were also unidentical and kinda bent, like someone sat on one briefly but then said “it’s fine” and put it back, the owner got a serious face and said the price was 350 pesos, or $35. I could get these in LA for like $12, probably tops. Maybe $10 for 3. Of course, to tell me the price in dollars, the owner did fancy things on his calculator, even though the exchange rate is pretty much 10:1. He said, “special price for you, $30.” I said “no way, that is too high” and they got insulted and said “WHAT! But it real silver!” I don’t know what’s in the Art of the Deal, but it is very effective to say “I don’t care, that price is too high.” They said “what would you pay, name your price” so I said “$10.” This caused a lot of “NOOO!” and “Don’t be a cheap-o!” and “This real silver!!!” and “if you want nice things you have to spend money!” And the getting over of the manager and a new calculator machine and a lot of sighing. Then they said “okay, $25.” No.

They are not interested in personal space or a quiet way of thinking over a purchase. One guy put a salsa dish in Heather’s hand (who is my friend who is visiting haaay), knocked on it, said “knock on it! You can put salsa in it!” and led her into his kiosk so all of a sudden we lost her. If you enter a shop, you will have a tiny Mexican friend 1 foot or less away from you suggesting things for your home, or tshirt, or for salsa. Also, they will insist these items are very original and take a lot of work, even though you may have seen one before, hundreds of times on beaches and everywhere all over Mexico. They do not mind if you just say “NO,” make no eye contact, or are even ruder and say nothing and pretend they are not there. We are all from the Midwest, usually make eye contact and say “no gracias.” They do not care about this.

Other operative words in a market: “Just for fun!” “Check it out!” “Almost free!”

AND NOW: TAXIS.

When you leave the ship, this is what happens: “TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI TAXI.” “YOU WANNA TAXI” or “WHERE YOU WANT TO GO” or also the time honored joke, “YOU WANNA GO TO MIAMI” which I don’t totally get but is apparently hilarious. Now. To take a tour around the city, you can get with a tour group and do it that way. This will be very Americanized and much more expensive. However, the Americanized portion is that you hear the price beforehand and there is air conditioning, and multiple tour guides who wear matching shirts, and you will wear a sticker indicating you are part of a tour, etc. etc. etc. Then there is the Mexican option. Or you can go freelance and just take a taxi somewhere. In Mexico, the taxi driver also becomes your tour guide. We know this now because 3 of us met a gentleman named Martin. This was after I decided we could tour around Acapulco for $20 round trip. Just a quick tour up to a giant cross and a peace garden with some giant hand sculpture that two people from Philadelphia told me about in a cab. Go up, la la la, come back, la la la. 1 hour. Okay. The first person I asked about this (i.e. “TAXI TAXI TAXI!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “sure, I’d like to go to that chapel for $20.” “YOU INSULT ME!”) didn’t work. The second one entered a bargaining war a little bit and walked with us for a while but was gravely insulted by my offer. He said $60 because “3 people! Air conditioning!” The farther you got from the ship, the more loose cannonish the cabbie strata became, like a gobstopper or layers in a septic tank. So we got a $25 deal to go to the chapel, “no problem.” At first we were going to have lunch and go afterwards. Martin informed us that we had to go right away because the chapel closed at 4 p.m. and we could have lunch afterwards in the square. The little part he left out was that the chapel actually opened at 4 p.m. and that this was a fact that he knew. So he took us on a ride and somehow we ended up eating lunch at Senor Frog’s, even though he said “La Vista is better” not like a minute earlier. He also had some brochures in his car for a silver store as well as a restaurant. At Senor Frogs, he clearly got some kind of a kick back, considering he had been there before and hung out with his buddies outside and the prices were American-equivalent. Beer in Mexico is $1, margueritas, $3. In Senor Frog’s, marguerites are $7.

The old adage “they see a cruise ship and triple their prices” is true. This flies in the face of whitie/gringo guilt and a desire to help the local economy sans ending your personal economy. Guilt is an effective marketing tool as evidenced by human history and Martin’s story of his three boys who want to be a doctor, a lawyer and an architect, and yes the universities are free in Mexico, but the good ones are private and that’s where he wants to send them, and p.s. it is hard to be a cabbie, all of which came up right around the time we were going to pay. He recommended a $40/plate restaurant earlier which made all 3 of us go “TOO MUCH!” which should have indicated our budgets. O Martin! He also told us in depth about how corrupt Mexico is and how the Mafia is everywhere and the presidents are always in bed with the Mafia.

When Martin let us out of the cab, he counted the money we gave him in front of the cab ($30, $25 plus a $5 tip) with a little flair and drama. He said “oooooh, I don’t think this is good for me” and then said a good way for us to make it up to him was $10. This is another bargaining technique. Get a person in the door for the price they want, then nickel+dime/tell a dramatic story and use their personalities against them. Also I have no idea if that was fair or not. However, if you become a hard cold bitch and say “no, we’re not doing that and you knew when we got in the cab when that place opens” they will say “okay” and shake your hand and let you go. It would be less of a deal if he didn’t say “oh I take people here every day.” Heather created a very good relationship with him and chatted while I farted around. Heather was obviously, very ready to pay him the extra money, i.e., it was hanging out of her pocket. She was crushed!

Interesting Mexico fact:
All roads lead to Mexico City. So if you want to get to a city in the middle of Mexico from another city in the middle of Mexico, you have to go to Mexico City first. This makes getting around completely insane. It also means that if you have say…a farm that grows drugs and you are in the middle of Mexico, you are pretty much out of the way. Basically, it’s a great place to be in the mafia. Also, cabbies won’t tell on you because you can just kill them or something horrible! This did make us slightly nervous about what happened with Martin vis a vis will he have us hunted down and killed next week.

Random note:
The ship moves a lot so the hangers in your closet knock against the sides. This is what causes us all to randomly answer our door at all hours and to slowly think someone is always messing with you. Heather, too, randomly answered the door.