What is this thing called iPod

They shampooed the carpets, which we learned via sitting on them. Turns out if you are a hotel that works 24/7/365, you can’t do things on the day off.

Some differences between audiences, or rather, jokes by age range.
Masturbation:
Younger New Jersey=this is one of the most hilarious things said in my life
Older Leaf Peepers=I’ve never been more bored.

The line “stop, you’re going to pull something” whilst someone is exerting oneself:
Younger New Jersey=I’ve never been more bored.
Older Leaf Peepers=hahahaha, seriously he is really risking pulling something, do you see how he is bent over? I relate to back pain.

If you ask an assembled group of cruisers this question:
“He’s going to reveal a secret, what it that secret?”
They will say: “HE’S SECRETLY A WOMAN!”
If you say: “He’s going to reveal a secret, like ‘he’s secretly a woman,’ what is that secret?”
They will say: “HE’S GAY!”
They also enjoy: “HE’S A TRANSVESTITE!”
This means two of our actors have been secretly gay and secretly men/women millions of times. Our economic crisis gives us perspective on how annoying this actually is.

If you put a finger on the pulse of our audiences during our shows, the pulse would probably say “I find you boring” or “I am wildly transfixed, which I shall indicate via my silence.” I do not know if oldies relate well to people being socially awkward—maybe they are too old to care or realize worrying is a trivial way to spend your life or maybe regret how alienating their two lazy eyes have been through the course of their lives and don’t think it’s hilarious (this is a line form our song). Maybe our hilarious jokes are making them think.

There are various classes for the passengers, and I heard one today in the announcements which made me laugh out loud. It is the NCL “U” Technology class, in the Clipper Conference Room, Deck 8, Fwd at 2:30 p.m. entitled, and I am copying the punctuation: “What is this thing called iPod.” Yesterday’s class, in the Clipper Conference Room, Deck 8, Fwd at 4:45 p.m. was called “Why should I buy a Computer?” I like the idea that crotchety old people are yelling these questions and then had them answered very fully, because tomorrow’s seminar, at 9:30 a.m. in the Stardust Theater, Decks 7 & 8, Aft, is “Expand your horizons with your Computer.”

Marsha & Dave

We got cancelled going to Martha’s Vineyard. Something about the weather, something about the tendering.

I am sitting next to a hilarious couple, as per usual. The guy sat next to me and said over his glasses, “how much are you paying for internet.” I said “75 cents a minute” which is a lie, but is what they pay. The guy said “that’s crazy” and then opened a book to read. He read the dust flap on the front, then the dust flap on the back. He fell asleep in the middle of reading the back flap. His wife sat down and joined him, she is pretty large and has a gray crew cut and wore all black velour. She clearly gets her nails done very regularly and finds them gorgeous. She started talking to another couple about how terrible everything is, including “as smart as I am with all of my college degrees I didn’t know that arteries…” which was a nice gem. Or “as a Native New Yorker, I’ve seen all that shit before…” regarding the Empire State building and a show which the other couple wanted to do. The other couple said “I’d really like to see a tree.” “Grows in Brooklyn?! Hahaha, no—“ said Marsha.

Marsha then informed them about how terrible the entertainment on the ship is, qualifying it with a “well, I live in Vegas now.” The other couple said “oh, you’ve got Wayne Newton, he’s the best.” Marsha said “no he’s not, he’s not, ugh, he’s awful.”

I also loved, regarding their cellphones, which they both opened to see if they had any signal: Marsha “yours says ‘Hi Dave’ why does it say that, why does it say ‘Hi Dave’—why doesn’t mine say ‘Hi Marsha’” He gave it a long moment and then “because my name’s Dave” which made Marsha very annoyed. She then said “look we could get on the internet” and then Dave said “yeah, 75 cents a minute.” Marsha said, brightly, “that’s not bad! If you’re fast!” They both clearly smoke a lot, I would imagine Dave drinks a little to calm down from Marsha, who told the other couple “I’m going to write a letter to the cruise ship company. Did you get insurance? See, we got cruise ship insurance. Only $50 a person, and that’s not bad—our room is on the same floor as the medical office. Not that I need it HAHAHA! But yeah, it is.”

Sea Change

A SEA CHANGE!

We have now changed itineraries. Instead of going to the Carribbean, we now go North. Halifax, St. John’s, Boston, and Martha’s Vineyard. Last week, the kid’s center had 800 kids. This week, there are 75. THE CRUISE SHIP IS TRANSFORMED.

We have a passenger safety drill every week that they announce over and over again “in 45 minutes time” “in 30 minutes time” “in 10 minutes time” “please return to your stateroom and read the card on the back of your door.” Then they sound the alarm, which is seven short blasts, followed by a long one. It was silent on my hallway, except for that alarm, an old lady angrily opened her door and said “who is that. Who is making that noise—that beeping.” And immediately, the announcer said “this has been a test of the emergency system” and the old lady shut her door.

So we have old people and no kids. This place is silent. It’s insane. I might love it. We went into the hot tub, we played ping pong, everything is quiet. And best of all, there is the fabled Eggs To Order line. This is the line that usually backs up 50 feet, even though some people don’t even want Eggs to Order. This morning (well, 11, when I get up)? I walked up. To the line. And ordered an omlette. If you had been on this cruise this summer, you would go like this: “You’re lying! Shut up! No! That is a lie! How dare you spread such LIES!????! LIAR! LIAR LIARLIARLIAR!!!!” and push me off the boat. Eggs to Order is our Holy Grail. And I do not possess the patience for it. Usually. But NOW—EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT!