I am back on board a new ship. This is the Jewel, and it is crazy. It is new! It is well decorated! Things are understated! Things are snazzy! And oh Lord, oh happy day, oh all is changed and we are born anew:
I have a porthole.
I HAVE A PORTHOLE! THE PORTHOLE! THERE IS A PORTHOLE AND HOPE SURVIVES AND LOVE IS REAL!
We are in officer cabins. We have two officer cabins and two passenger cabins (PAX!). Obviously, the people who designed the crew cabins knew the experience of life as a crew member, which is totally different from a passenger. Mainly:
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCE! DELICIOUS SILENCE! O LORD SILENCE!!!
My PORTHOLE means I am awoken by SUNSHINE and you can hear the waves gently hit the boat and see a reflection of light dancing on your ceiling. But muted, calm, SILENT. I know I would go crazy if I were not allowed to leave this room. I know this with my brain. I do not know this with my SOUUUUL.
Pax hallways stretch the length of the ship and go in a ring. Every third on each side is manned by two room stewards that work constantly in the morning and at night. They each have a room cleaning cart. This is perfect for the vacationing people because it is a complaining-ice-breaker that might end up in a “hahaha, let’s get drinks.” For people who work and live here, it results in “this is where I will die. Here. I will die here. Everything is pointless.” Which is a lie. Does this happen in crew hallways? Where my hallway is a self contained “corridor” of about 9 rooms off of a big hallway? In a crew area? Where everyone is working and running around? NOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
This ship is radically different than the other ships because it is gorgeous. It was built in 2005. It is gorgeous. The cheese element is still there (“amazing” was used at least 40 times in the opening show, “ladies and gentlemen” probably 30) but everything is new and well designed and clean and in 2005 Starbucks-ie style, so it feels gorgeous and like they know exactly what I want to see, which maybe means it is trendy.
In an interesting note, there was apparently a terrorist attack at sea somewhere hahaha. So now we have a bunch of signs in the crew areas with a number to call if we see any terrorist activity hahaha. So hopefully that will never ever ever be useful.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Another Break, Getting Dark Out
I am about to go on another tour of duty. In the off time, I have done the following things with great joy, and that is not ironic at all:
Cleaned a friend's apartment
Done dishes
Made food
Taken out trash
Driven and navigated
O Lord, O Lord in Heaven, the sweet joy of not being helpless, O Lord, O Lord, O Lord.
I also heard a little kid whine on the plane during sunset: "I don't WAAANT it to get dark out" which made me laugh out loud.
The ship doctors informed me I had an eye infection which a Pennsylvania doctor informed me was actually allergies. When I talked about going on the boat again, I burst into tears outside of a dressing room. This is payback for noticing an Asian lady full on crying talking to her friend's in Filene's in San Francisco with Serpe. She kept moving and we kept finding her. Transitions are emotional! Obvious is obvious! I don't WAAAAAANT it to be annoying! And watch the boat feel like it is where I now belong. O boat.
Highlights of vacation include driving with Serpe from LA to San Fran, meeting Marion's baby (poor conversationalist ZING!), Eve's New Orleans, Heather & Josh's Hospitality Ultimahht, and seeing my parents.
This is a shout out to Graci, the other highlight. We had a fun chat and it gets so good to see people who are not your castmates that it is difficult not to weep with joy, which a normal person would not, could not understand.
Otherwise, in LA, plans got changed a bunch with cronies, which is not a big deal, but add the desperation of seeing people with limited time, and I will happily write you a 50 page treatsie about why LA is an abomination of a disaster.
Also, if you would like a newfound appreciation for American/North American males, go on a cruise ship!!! Work there!!! Where there aren't any hahaha!!! Then come back!!! You will fall in love every 4 seconds!!! Based on polarfleece!!! Except for the North American males who sleep face down with no shoes next to a bowl of food in front of a Rite Aid smack in the middle of the sidewalk, which LA furnished me. I don't WAAAAANT them to be homeless!
For those of you who are not actors, I give you this, a typical email that I get from a casting placement place:
---
Hey Guys! So we have had [Person Name] from [Casting/Office] in alot over the
years and he has been great to us!! But the new gal over at this GREAT TV
office is [New Person]. We have only had her in one other time and
everyone loved her. She is fun, smart and knows her stuff!! She looks
forward to finding talent at workshops and [Casting/Office]is known for
rarely using breakdowns for costar and guest star roles. They trust
people like [Person] to find fantastic talent like you!! They always have
pilots and they always have fun shows with big guest casts!!!
11/20/2008 Thursday 07:30 PM [New Person]w/[Casting/Office] $35
---
I don't WAAAAANT them to be fake!!!
Cleaned a friend's apartment
Done dishes
Made food
Taken out trash
Driven and navigated
O Lord, O Lord in Heaven, the sweet joy of not being helpless, O Lord, O Lord, O Lord.
I also heard a little kid whine on the plane during sunset: "I don't WAAANT it to get dark out" which made me laugh out loud.
The ship doctors informed me I had an eye infection which a Pennsylvania doctor informed me was actually allergies. When I talked about going on the boat again, I burst into tears outside of a dressing room. This is payback for noticing an Asian lady full on crying talking to her friend's in Filene's in San Francisco with Serpe. She kept moving and we kept finding her. Transitions are emotional! Obvious is obvious! I don't WAAAAAANT it to be annoying! And watch the boat feel like it is where I now belong. O boat.
Highlights of vacation include driving with Serpe from LA to San Fran, meeting Marion's baby (poor conversationalist ZING!), Eve's New Orleans, Heather & Josh's Hospitality Ultimahht, and seeing my parents.
This is a shout out to Graci, the other highlight. We had a fun chat and it gets so good to see people who are not your castmates that it is difficult not to weep with joy, which a normal person would not, could not understand.
Otherwise, in LA, plans got changed a bunch with cronies, which is not a big deal, but add the desperation of seeing people with limited time, and I will happily write you a 50 page treatsie about why LA is an abomination of a disaster.
Also, if you would like a newfound appreciation for American/North American males, go on a cruise ship!!! Work there!!! Where there aren't any hahaha!!! Then come back!!! You will fall in love every 4 seconds!!! Based on polarfleece!!! Except for the North American males who sleep face down with no shoes next to a bowl of food in front of a Rite Aid smack in the middle of the sidewalk, which LA furnished me. I don't WAAAAANT them to be homeless!
For those of you who are not actors, I give you this, a typical email that I get from a casting placement place:
---
Hey Guys! So we have had [Person Name] from [Casting/Office] in alot over the
years and he has been great to us!! But the new gal over at this GREAT TV
office is [New Person]. We have only had her in one other time and
everyone loved her. She is fun, smart and knows her stuff!! She looks
forward to finding talent at workshops and [Casting/Office]is known for
rarely using breakdowns for costar and guest star roles. They trust
people like [Person] to find fantastic talent like you!! They always have
pilots and they always have fun shows with big guest casts!!!
11/20/2008 Thursday 07:30 PM [New Person]w/[Casting/Office] $35
---
I don't WAAAAANT them to be fake!!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Beat the Geek
We played a cruise game with the cruise staff called Beat the Geek. A guy from Shorex didn’t show up, so the panel of experts was made up of 3 people from Second City, a cruise staff hostess from “Philly—and by Philly I mean the Phillipines!!!” and our technical director. We had never played this before. The guy who hosted the games (he who said Philly) recruited people from the audience so it was Crew vs. Guests. He said it would be impossible to beat the Geeks because we had been undefeated for the past 124 cruises. This made one woman in the audience lose her mind (rather large, close to 70, with a white bob and a pink plaid shirt). “Well of course! Of course they were winners! BECAUSE YOU ASK THE SAME QUESTIONS EVERY TIME!” He calmly explained that he did not, she kept arguing, fact-free. He said (I think) “hey, I don’t come to your house and make your menu” which she found very insulting and made her friend laugh very hard and say “hahaha I wish you would!!!”
We played versus a large, tan drunk looking guy from Indiana, an obese, spilling over the side of the chair guy with crazy teeth and sunglasses (host: “are you competing in world series poker?” man: “ “) a tiny 11 year old boy, an apologetic looking 50-ish white woman with cornrows and MC Hammer pants in hemp, and a 75 or 80-ish old man who frowned and got very upset for most of the game. He was convinced the game was stacked and when we got the question “what is the square root of 9” in the “Numbers” category, he said “Oh COME ON” and grumbled and yelled at the host and brought it up during the rest of the game “like the square ROOT OF NINE.” He didn’t laugh or cheer much unless we got one wrong, and generally the crowd didn’t applaud us if we got one right. They got the question “what was the name of the first Harry Potter book” and the kid didn’t know the answer. Everybody insisted he did until he raised his hands in the air exasperated and said “my mom won’t let me watch them!” and the apologetic corn row lady quietly said “Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone” and the crowd applauded and she looked like she was going to barf. The host said “yes, Philosopher’s Stone in America, Sorcerer’s Stone in England” which we let ride for a second and then a Second City person said “THAT’S WRONG” so that person didn’t explode.
Usually they played two 10 point rounds. The Guests were getting so many wrong that the host ended the game early, engineering a Guest win. The guest panel lost its mind, particularly the guy from Indiana.
Afterwards, the pink plaid shirt lady came up to us, all delighted smiles and said “good try but you really didn’t stand a chance against Bob” who was her husband and the angry old guy. “He has his masters from (somewhere) and his PhD from (somewhere) and now he owns a bookstore and reads all the time. I mean he is one smart guy!!!”
We played versus a large, tan drunk looking guy from Indiana, an obese, spilling over the side of the chair guy with crazy teeth and sunglasses (host: “are you competing in world series poker?” man: “ “) a tiny 11 year old boy, an apologetic looking 50-ish white woman with cornrows and MC Hammer pants in hemp, and a 75 or 80-ish old man who frowned and got very upset for most of the game. He was convinced the game was stacked and when we got the question “what is the square root of 9” in the “Numbers” category, he said “Oh COME ON” and grumbled and yelled at the host and brought it up during the rest of the game “like the square ROOT OF NINE.” He didn’t laugh or cheer much unless we got one wrong, and generally the crowd didn’t applaud us if we got one right. They got the question “what was the name of the first Harry Potter book” and the kid didn’t know the answer. Everybody insisted he did until he raised his hands in the air exasperated and said “my mom won’t let me watch them!” and the apologetic corn row lady quietly said “Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone” and the crowd applauded and she looked like she was going to barf. The host said “yes, Philosopher’s Stone in America, Sorcerer’s Stone in England” which we let ride for a second and then a Second City person said “THAT’S WRONG” so that person didn’t explode.
Usually they played two 10 point rounds. The Guests were getting so many wrong that the host ended the game early, engineering a Guest win. The guest panel lost its mind, particularly the guy from Indiana.
Afterwards, the pink plaid shirt lady came up to us, all delighted smiles and said “good try but you really didn’t stand a chance against Bob” who was her husband and the angry old guy. “He has his masters from (somewhere) and his PhD from (somewhere) and now he owns a bookstore and reads all the time. I mean he is one smart guy!!!”
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Roatan, Honduras
Today, we went to Roatan, in Honduras. Are you a mutt? Are you an unattractive mangy mutt with low hanging balls and a softball like growth in your neck? I have found a place for you to be comfortable and make your home: Roatan! Meet mutts like you! In the street! Perhaps finally find female mutts who will appreciate you! Belonging! Acceptance! Edible Trash!
Otherwise, this was a delightful port. Very poor, but with a tourist friendly vibe, by which I mean: beer is $2. We sat in a great outside bar under a roof with a delightful breeze and a pier that went out to the ocean. Most of the furniture looked like it came from Staples: a portable, plastic card table and 6 boss-type rolly chairs—bleached damp fabric with a high back and arm rests. So we may have crabs. There was also an oriental rug under us and after a while, they got more customers, so they brought in nice, dining room table type chairs from across the street. A couple next to us was sitting in some Adirondack chairs, the arm rest of one noisily fell off about 3 times. The glassware was all juice glasses you get in an American grocery stores and plastic picnic wear wine glasses you get in dollar stores. Beers came with a paper napkin on top “to clean it off!” We regularly were greeted by vendors and learned a new strategy from a castmate, which is to mess with them. One guy came in wearing a “DAD u da man” t shirt and sold us some bootleg movies. They must do very good business in bootlegs in Honduras, because we were offered DVDs at least 8 times. One guy was also selling “Island music” that he was sure we would love. It was labeled “Islam Misic” and had suggestive women on the cover. We bought 2 for $5. Mine is Islam Misic Vol. 8, and has a non labeled CD on the inside. There is a tiny red stamp on the front that says “Good Work”—the kind of thing a teacher would put on a spelling test—over an aroused, shy woman in a blue dress with the side of her left boob showing. The music is not terrible reggae, featuring a song called “Spread Your Love All Over Me.”
Also, the Hondurans have discovered Sculpy, that play-dough plastic sculping stuff. They have made very good use out of it, particularly in covering old bottles of booze with cartoony animals with googly eyes. If they were under $10, I would own one. Instead, I own a $2 bic pen with a hilarious butterfly. I also got earrings for $2. Everything runs around $5, but you can get them to go down in price pretty easily. I got absurd 1st grade teacher frog earrings for $3. They were originally $5, and the saleslady said “the owner has lots a money, she don’t wanna bargain, but $3, okay. Just put that in your purse.” Which I did.
Other delights were a restaurant advertising “TYPICAL ISLAND FOOD” and the official harbor guards, one wearing a Batman baseball hat from the mid 80’s.
Also, we sat by a delightful couple in that bar who loved our show and we got to chatting. They are VERY disappointed that there are no more pool games. They are VERY disappointed and said “have you been on a Carnival ship? Oh--You’ll have the time of your life. You may not sleep very much but oh, that’s fun. This cruise has been boring. The worst one we’ve ever taken. Oh yeah, we’ve slept a lot but…” They also talked about going to the beach and that they only had $100 bills. A kid in Belize was eyeing them, thinking about trying to sell them a rock. They laughed that “sorry, we don’t have any money, we only have $100s, hahaha.” I watched Goodfellas for the first time, so obviously, I decided they were in the mafia.
Otherwise, this was a delightful port. Very poor, but with a tourist friendly vibe, by which I mean: beer is $2. We sat in a great outside bar under a roof with a delightful breeze and a pier that went out to the ocean. Most of the furniture looked like it came from Staples: a portable, plastic card table and 6 boss-type rolly chairs—bleached damp fabric with a high back and arm rests. So we may have crabs. There was also an oriental rug under us and after a while, they got more customers, so they brought in nice, dining room table type chairs from across the street. A couple next to us was sitting in some Adirondack chairs, the arm rest of one noisily fell off about 3 times. The glassware was all juice glasses you get in an American grocery stores and plastic picnic wear wine glasses you get in dollar stores. Beers came with a paper napkin on top “to clean it off!” We regularly were greeted by vendors and learned a new strategy from a castmate, which is to mess with them. One guy came in wearing a “DAD u da man” t shirt and sold us some bootleg movies. They must do very good business in bootlegs in Honduras, because we were offered DVDs at least 8 times. One guy was also selling “Island music” that he was sure we would love. It was labeled “Islam Misic” and had suggestive women on the cover. We bought 2 for $5. Mine is Islam Misic Vol. 8, and has a non labeled CD on the inside. There is a tiny red stamp on the front that says “Good Work”—the kind of thing a teacher would put on a spelling test—over an aroused, shy woman in a blue dress with the side of her left boob showing. The music is not terrible reggae, featuring a song called “Spread Your Love All Over Me.”
Also, the Hondurans have discovered Sculpy, that play-dough plastic sculping stuff. They have made very good use out of it, particularly in covering old bottles of booze with cartoony animals with googly eyes. If they were under $10, I would own one. Instead, I own a $2 bic pen with a hilarious butterfly. I also got earrings for $2. Everything runs around $5, but you can get them to go down in price pretty easily. I got absurd 1st grade teacher frog earrings for $3. They were originally $5, and the saleslady said “the owner has lots a money, she don’t wanna bargain, but $3, okay. Just put that in your purse.” Which I did.
Other delights were a restaurant advertising “TYPICAL ISLAND FOOD” and the official harbor guards, one wearing a Batman baseball hat from the mid 80’s.
Also, we sat by a delightful couple in that bar who loved our show and we got to chatting. They are VERY disappointed that there are no more pool games. They are VERY disappointed and said “have you been on a Carnival ship? Oh--You’ll have the time of your life. You may not sleep very much but oh, that’s fun. This cruise has been boring. The worst one we’ve ever taken. Oh yeah, we’ve slept a lot but…” They also talked about going to the beach and that they only had $100 bills. A kid in Belize was eyeing them, thinking about trying to sell them a rock. They laughed that “sorry, we don’t have any money, we only have $100s, hahaha.” I watched Goodfellas for the first time, so obviously, I decided they were in the mafia.
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