Sneeze guard
Also, under the “Is It Because This Ship Was Built by the Chinese and There Is Something Cultural I Don’t Understand?” file:
Somehow the buffet is built for people with very long arms. Like inhumanly long arms. To the point that if you want an orange, you can only reach it by putting your head and most of your body UNDER the sneeze guard. For some reason, instead of long vertical troughs of glop, there are narrow, horizontal rows of glop. Also, very terrible plastic tongs that don’t grab anything. This means that most hard boiled eggs have cracked shells. People to lean way too far, attempt to grab an egg with a terrible tong, then on the way out, drop it on the other eggs. They then give up and walk away, leaving: cracked eggs.
I will get a photo of this.
The other problem with humans having breakfast is that they will stop for no reason in the middle of walking somewhere.
Yesterday included a long, frustrating attempt to watch the Sopranos (there’s someone in this room, let’s go to another room. There’s a remote in here, but no batteries, let’s switch rooms. There’s no remote in here and you can’t fast forward. I’ll get my computer—there are no non-European plugs in here, ETC). During trip 900 to my room for an additional implement to attempt to watch New Jersey people kill each other, I was behind two mothers and their daughters behind the mothers. The daughters, two very cute 9 year olds, decided to walk: in slow motion. To take up a lot of room and spread across a hallway and walk in slow motion. Fascinating.
Yesterday also featured a slightly hilarious debacle with an ice cream cake. After much trying for a cast mate’s birthday, an expensive Coldstone Creamery ice cream cake was walked from New York City, brought past the Nepalese security guards, and brought to the freezer in the pastry department. The castmate’s girlfriend got it all carefully arranged, it was all going very smoothly. The only wrinkle was the freezer that the cake was placed inside was not: on. So it melted. The pastry chef (from India) who used the non-freezer felt terrible. He made a new cake, and then hung out with us and brought down the melted version, which people ate.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Porn and Suicide
I talked to one of the dancers at breakfast. They just got on the ship last week for probably a 6 month contract. They were immediately brought to a room for training. The very beginning of their training went like this “we’re going to talk about suicide. You all know what suicide is, right?” Then they were told if they feel ANY symptoms of depression they are to go to the doctor. This is crazy. Welcome to your new job! You’ll probably want to kill yourself. No, we’re not kidding. No seriously.
We have entered a new phase as a cast and I think it is that we have finished the stages of grief about living on the ship. Either my brain is completely off, or this is the feeling of acceptance.
While waiting to leave the ship yesterday, I found myself on a staircase. Everyone else was waiting on the huge landing while security milled around and decided whether or not we could get off the ship. This means I was standing over two Jamaican gentlemen who looked like they were sharing you know, the photos from last nights party or something. Very casually watching a little screen. Well it was porn. They were very casually watching porn in a crowded hallway with like 300 people around them. I think this is the truly new era of the iPhone. On the way back to the ship, I saw a dock worker relaxing in his forklift, looking at his iPhone. Now I know what he is looking at.
We have entered a new phase as a cast and I think it is that we have finished the stages of grief about living on the ship. Either my brain is completely off, or this is the feeling of acceptance.
While waiting to leave the ship yesterday, I found myself on a staircase. Everyone else was waiting on the huge landing while security milled around and decided whether or not we could get off the ship. This means I was standing over two Jamaican gentlemen who looked like they were sharing you know, the photos from last nights party or something. Very casually watching a little screen. Well it was porn. They were very casually watching porn in a crowded hallway with like 300 people around them. I think this is the truly new era of the iPhone. On the way back to the ship, I saw a dock worker relaxing in his forklift, looking at his iPhone. Now I know what he is looking at.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Lobster Bisque, GI, other
First, there is a gentleman on board who has a giant “carpe diem” on one arm and his entire back, from top of shoulders to lower lumbar region, with a huge black drawing of the World Trade Center towers and a script “Made in New York” underneath it. We do a scene where we make fun of people who want to talk about 9/11 constantly, how it's awkward. It didn't get much of a reaction this time around. Heh.
Second, whenever we come off stage and enter the crew elevators, we enter a short corridor which has the overwhelming odor of lobster bisque. I do not know how they do it. But it could make you gag.
Third, there is an email going around to the crew that if they are having symptoms of GI, they HAVE to go to the doctor. Some people are waiting and/or going to work first. The reason for the wait may be that if one person is sick, the whole room gets quarantined, which can be up to 6 people.
Fourth, the dancers do a show where they sing about 50 songs in 50 minutes. This is not a joke. But as such, they have to change costumes very quickly. This means that they have a costume changer (very common) who helps them. Normally, for a show on land, this is a specially hired job. On the cruise ship, it is “someone from housekeeping.” You can make the jokes. We just got a new crew of dancers. The gentleman who works backstage enjoys this particular period because he gets “all new boobs to look at” meaning: when they change clothes. We also have no understudies, so one of our cast members has a good time saying “I broke my ankle! You have to go in for me!” and giving the guy a heart attack. Our cruise director gives a speech once a cruise to the passengers to explain customs and immigration and what to do to leave the ship. During one section, he says, basically, “don’t steal things from the ship, even though you might want to” during the disembarkation speech. Then he says “Jerric?!” and the backstage guy comes out carrying a suitcase with legs sticking out on one side and a chef’s hat sticking out on the other. The backstage gentleman says he: “hates it” because he “hates being on stage” and that what runs through his head is: “just get this over with.”
Fifth, I cannot believe it, but I saw an Asian guido. A guy with the same haircut, same sideburns, same weirdo groomed eyebrows. So clearly this is a good idea and style to follow and brings with it great rewards.
Sixth, that whole exasperation-with-how-stupid-everyone-is must be just how people talk and say hello and must not be upsetting. I heard this exchange: daughter: “they went to the pool.” Mom, sans eye contact: “You think I give a shit?” And no one seemed to mind. Persons!
1000 Words
Someone looked at the art, but finished their coffee. So:
And oh yes, a detail. Here's what happens when you build your ship in China, decorate it with nice sculptures from your culture, then sell it, then let a bunch of people from a certain state live on it for a week and give them sharpies.
And oh yes, a detail. Here's what happens when you build your ship in China, decorate it with nice sculptures from your culture, then sell it, then let a bunch of people from a certain state live on it for a week and give them sharpies.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Rizzo Kids Workshop
We watched the Sopranos, in an effort to understand the passengers haha jokejoke. Well, episode one of the Sopranos, Tony Soprano tries to send his old friend Artie on a Cruise. On a, specifically, “Norwegian Steamship” to the “Carribbean.” Just saying. We sail with the Sopranos.
Today was another kids workshop, this time at 11 a.m., which is painfully early for actors who stay up until 3 a.m. usually, or 6 a.m. as was the case with my cohort. Today’s workshop featured a Hells Kitchen gang from the 20’s. A spazzy skinny kid that could have been selling newspapers and saying “neyeaaaaaaah” and called Rizzo, who in 2008 goes by Tyler, but still has all the veins in his neck stand out. Also a spazzy blonde who talked happily about fictionally getting arrested. Also a big kid Robert and his friend Matthew. Hilariously, yesterday Matthew played Nintento Wii Baseball and farted at the exact moment he swung the bat. In case we were to forget this story, it was brought up again. They enjoy the use of the phrase “24/7.” Additionally, one individual actually farted live while we were trying to force them to walk around like it is a windy day. We pretended like it was not a big deal while simultaneously wanting to barf. Perhaps this was the lie that started the war. Because it was war. We said “no fighting” and they promptly fell all over one another. We also had another kid who was too silent and refused to do anything or talk, so when he finally tentatively did, the Joker Mob said “he speaks!” and overreacted, which we had to say was not funny which was also a lie. Also my cohort explained clearly why it is rude to talk when someone else is talking, via “how would you feel if you were up here trying to talk and someone starts making some noise over on the side. It would be annoying, right?” and one of them, with a blond crewcut and a big necklace said under his breath “it would be pretty funny.” I had them do an exercise which kids usually love because you jump around a lot. I said “everybody face me” and the ringleader stood in front of me and faced the back/all of the other students. When I was their age and a girlscout, apparently my camp counselors called my parents about my overuse of the Eye Roll. Well karma, you’ll be happy to know the ringleader used the eye roll on me. Insofar as the entire class refused to go from 10 (arms to the ceiling) to 1 (down on the ground). Insofar as the ringleader just watched me jump around and didn’t participate, which spread very quickly so a room full of 10 year olds thought it was boring to move around (eyeroll).
The Joker Mob made it through our Dr. Know It All, which for you normal people is when you stand in a line with other people and make a sentence one word, one person at a time. The mob yapped constantly, with helpful suggestions like “why did you say that” or “you shoulda said” or “no!” or used, for his one word, “and then he farted 24/7—oops—AAAAND.” The audience asks questions of Dr. Know it All were all on this theme: “How do you go to the bathroom” (3 times), “How do you blow your nose” (3 times). They also asked Dr. Know it All if he had any new inventions (4 times), to which Dr. Know it All replied that yes, he did, and that they were all versions of a toilet and flushed. One very smart and polite latino kid with a hearing aid inquired “Are you a nutritionist?” which I enjoyed. No one wanted to hold the silent kid’s arm and the silent kid refused to say words, which made everyone unhappy. The two joker ringleaders were kicked out of the workshop after refusing to stop talking ever ever ever. When we left, one of them apologized for interrupting.
None of those kids had any idea that we were improv people, which is unfortunate because usually if they see you on stage, they are at least a little bit scared and will OBEY. We said “do you have any questions for us? Or about Second City?” and they said, sneerily “yeah, what’s second city?!!” One kid (the polite nutritionist one) wanted clarification about our shows that we have done on the ship and said “oh yes, the Stardust. I have seen a few shows which I’ve enjoyed, but no, sorry, I have not seen yours.”
Please raise teacher’s salaries.
Today was another kids workshop, this time at 11 a.m., which is painfully early for actors who stay up until 3 a.m. usually, or 6 a.m. as was the case with my cohort. Today’s workshop featured a Hells Kitchen gang from the 20’s. A spazzy skinny kid that could have been selling newspapers and saying “neyeaaaaaaah” and called Rizzo, who in 2008 goes by Tyler, but still has all the veins in his neck stand out. Also a spazzy blonde who talked happily about fictionally getting arrested. Also a big kid Robert and his friend Matthew. Hilariously, yesterday Matthew played Nintento Wii Baseball and farted at the exact moment he swung the bat. In case we were to forget this story, it was brought up again. They enjoy the use of the phrase “24/7.” Additionally, one individual actually farted live while we were trying to force them to walk around like it is a windy day. We pretended like it was not a big deal while simultaneously wanting to barf. Perhaps this was the lie that started the war. Because it was war. We said “no fighting” and they promptly fell all over one another. We also had another kid who was too silent and refused to do anything or talk, so when he finally tentatively did, the Joker Mob said “he speaks!” and overreacted, which we had to say was not funny which was also a lie. Also my cohort explained clearly why it is rude to talk when someone else is talking, via “how would you feel if you were up here trying to talk and someone starts making some noise over on the side. It would be annoying, right?” and one of them, with a blond crewcut and a big necklace said under his breath “it would be pretty funny.” I had them do an exercise which kids usually love because you jump around a lot. I said “everybody face me” and the ringleader stood in front of me and faced the back/all of the other students. When I was their age and a girlscout, apparently my camp counselors called my parents about my overuse of the Eye Roll. Well karma, you’ll be happy to know the ringleader used the eye roll on me. Insofar as the entire class refused to go from 10 (arms to the ceiling) to 1 (down on the ground). Insofar as the ringleader just watched me jump around and didn’t participate, which spread very quickly so a room full of 10 year olds thought it was boring to move around (eyeroll).
The Joker Mob made it through our Dr. Know It All, which for you normal people is when you stand in a line with other people and make a sentence one word, one person at a time. The mob yapped constantly, with helpful suggestions like “why did you say that” or “you shoulda said” or “no!” or used, for his one word, “and then he farted 24/7—oops—AAAAND.” The audience asks questions of Dr. Know it All were all on this theme: “How do you go to the bathroom” (3 times), “How do you blow your nose” (3 times). They also asked Dr. Know it All if he had any new inventions (4 times), to which Dr. Know it All replied that yes, he did, and that they were all versions of a toilet and flushed. One very smart and polite latino kid with a hearing aid inquired “Are you a nutritionist?” which I enjoyed. No one wanted to hold the silent kid’s arm and the silent kid refused to say words, which made everyone unhappy. The two joker ringleaders were kicked out of the workshop after refusing to stop talking ever ever ever. When we left, one of them apologized for interrupting.
None of those kids had any idea that we were improv people, which is unfortunate because usually if they see you on stage, they are at least a little bit scared and will OBEY. We said “do you have any questions for us? Or about Second City?” and they said, sneerily “yeah, what’s second city?!!” One kid (the polite nutritionist one) wanted clarification about our shows that we have done on the ship and said “oh yes, the Stardust. I have seen a few shows which I’ve enjoyed, but no, sorry, I have not seen yours.”
Please raise teacher’s salaries.
The Room Steward Horrah!
Well, I made a friend. Or rather, I finally talked to someone and asked questions like “are you married?”
I do not know how exactly this came up, but please picture the scene. First of all, there are tons of nationalities on this ship, meaning every few weeks, we have some sort of national celebration for some country. Last week was a huge Peruvian Independence day party in the crew bar, complete with flag and banners and a cake. Also, let’s note that there were whisperings of a waiter/waitress/galley cook strike that clearly went away (due to celebration? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe). Tonight was the Jamaican night. The only odd thing about that is that they played reggae and everyone knew the words and was sincerely happy. Since this is a VACATION EXPERIENCE type ship/a cruise ship, there is constant reggae playing but usually over tanning whities who don’t know the words and are trying to read. So. Odd. Anyway. Tonight there was a Jamaican flag over the crew bar entrance, and if you walked about 40 feet, you could get the same drinks from the crew bar for free from 2 Jamaican gentlemen, who were happily singing along with the reggae and pouring wine.
Anyway, I talked to Imade, a room steward down the hall from us from Bali. I have talked to him before and enjoyed it to the point that I was worried that I had culturally become his wife. Then there was an awkward moment with cashews, when I said “can I get you guys anything?” and he and his partner said “cashews!” and I refused to take money from them and they reacted strangely, like 50% more upset then I would expect and like I made them nauseous. They said “we wouldn’t have asked you!!!” and did a lot of frowning.
Anyway, this guy that I was nervous about trying to be my lover or something (many people on ships have wives at home with an understanding that they will have girlfriends on board, which results in the confusing situation like, with our tech guy, who showed me photos of his wife and 2 kids on his cellphone, then I saw him in a Starbucks, clearly with his: girlfriend) turns out this: first of all his birthday was August 2. Secondly: he got married last year. Thirdly: on August 4th, he had a son. Um. HE HAD A SON! He had a son. He had a son. He goes back to Bali in about a week. His wife didn’t say anything about the son because, “she likes to joke around.” His brother told him “you have a son!” He is very happy. This is insane. He said “I like your body language Megan!” and “it is good you are Second City!” because I am a puppet apparently (that’s okay). He said “I like Second City! They have good energy!” Also, he said he loves extremely hard rock and heavy metal and there is a small business amongst the crew where someone will put music on your mp3 player for you, for $10. Every night, he falls asleep to the music of Linkin Park and Firehouse. He loves Metallica. Please note that this is someone who always smiles, with both rows of teeth. He has the unfortunate, probably Balinese habit, of a hand gesture that to him means “meh, you know what I mean” that to an American means “masturbation.” This is a cultural difference. He also says the job has made him lose 20 lbs. from hard work. I didn’t tell him how much I’ve gained from sloth.
He showed me pictures from his traditional wedding, which are beautiful and look like a Technicolor drawing. I gave him a phone card to call his wife as a congratulations and he looked, again, like he wanted to barf and like I ruined his life.
I do not know how exactly this came up, but please picture the scene. First of all, there are tons of nationalities on this ship, meaning every few weeks, we have some sort of national celebration for some country. Last week was a huge Peruvian Independence day party in the crew bar, complete with flag and banners and a cake. Also, let’s note that there were whisperings of a waiter/waitress/galley cook strike that clearly went away (due to celebration? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe). Tonight was the Jamaican night. The only odd thing about that is that they played reggae and everyone knew the words and was sincerely happy. Since this is a VACATION EXPERIENCE type ship/a cruise ship, there is constant reggae playing but usually over tanning whities who don’t know the words and are trying to read. So. Odd. Anyway. Tonight there was a Jamaican flag over the crew bar entrance, and if you walked about 40 feet, you could get the same drinks from the crew bar for free from 2 Jamaican gentlemen, who were happily singing along with the reggae and pouring wine.
Anyway, I talked to Imade, a room steward down the hall from us from Bali. I have talked to him before and enjoyed it to the point that I was worried that I had culturally become his wife. Then there was an awkward moment with cashews, when I said “can I get you guys anything?” and he and his partner said “cashews!” and I refused to take money from them and they reacted strangely, like 50% more upset then I would expect and like I made them nauseous. They said “we wouldn’t have asked you!!!” and did a lot of frowning.
Anyway, this guy that I was nervous about trying to be my lover or something (many people on ships have wives at home with an understanding that they will have girlfriends on board, which results in the confusing situation like, with our tech guy, who showed me photos of his wife and 2 kids on his cellphone, then I saw him in a Starbucks, clearly with his: girlfriend) turns out this: first of all his birthday was August 2. Secondly: he got married last year. Thirdly: on August 4th, he had a son. Um. HE HAD A SON! He had a son. He had a son. He goes back to Bali in about a week. His wife didn’t say anything about the son because, “she likes to joke around.” His brother told him “you have a son!” He is very happy. This is insane. He said “I like your body language Megan!” and “it is good you are Second City!” because I am a puppet apparently (that’s okay). He said “I like Second City! They have good energy!” Also, he said he loves extremely hard rock and heavy metal and there is a small business amongst the crew where someone will put music on your mp3 player for you, for $10. Every night, he falls asleep to the music of Linkin Park and Firehouse. He loves Metallica. Please note that this is someone who always smiles, with both rows of teeth. He has the unfortunate, probably Balinese habit, of a hand gesture that to him means “meh, you know what I mean” that to an American means “masturbation.” This is a cultural difference. He also says the job has made him lose 20 lbs. from hard work. I didn’t tell him how much I’ve gained from sloth.
He showed me pictures from his traditional wedding, which are beautiful and look like a Technicolor drawing. I gave him a phone card to call his wife as a congratulations and he looked, again, like he wanted to barf and like I ruined his life.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Feet and New Jersey, of course
If you would like to make someone crazy, may I suggest finding someone trying to read, sitting next to them and slowly moving your feet in a circle, rhythmically. 1. 2. 3. 4. 1. 2. 3. 4. 1. 2. 3. 4. With kind of a slow, relaxed beat. Make sure your knees move a tiny bit. The reading person will try to block it out with her book, but if you are doing it right, your moisture-free toes will flap, rhythmically, beyond the edges of the book. Also, the reader will turn to almost face you in order to get the angle right to block your creepy feet. Then you can kind of look at her here and there and try to see what she is reading. Extra points if you are racially different and the reading material is all about racial equality. Just a tip!
The back of our ship is terraced, so there are two stair steps of deck chairs. This is a great place to read and hang out if you are someone who does not want the sun but wants to look at the ocean and kids running around and losing their minds. Also if you want to say to yourself “how young is too young for a bikini.” And I guess the main type of person who likes that on this cruise is someone close to 900 years old. So you can gaze out at 3 year olds in bikinis and have an ancient human with a small t-shirt and very high dress pants and belt cross your visual field.
Other quotes:
About 2 hours after we left, 12 year olds were running up and down the stairs, as per usual. One 12 year old shouted, with glee: “I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT THIS SHIP IS BORING!”
I may have said this before, however:
There is a big line outside of the two free restaurants most nights. We went to have dinner and the line was crazy (typical). One patron, a large-ish woman in a dress, but with a good sense of humor, said, regarding the line and the general situation: “There’s a line so slop must be good tonight.” Indeed, the slop was the “seafood night” which features lobster. When you order the lobster, the waitstaff must be instructed to always say “would you like some more lobster?” a la a coffee refill. Now I know to say no, because once I thought it was a joke and ended up with a second helping of lobster. This dish is called the Lobster and Grouper Extravaganza.
An additional tale from this ship and the sneaking suspicion that Jerry Springer is sending people here:
There was an incident with a teenage girl and her mother. Let’s call the teenager Princess Andwena and the mother Queen Lotollinate. Princess Andwena and Queen Lotollinate decided they would like to investigate the emerald offerings on the ship (since there is always a Columbian Emeralds store on every ship). They decided to simply reach over the counter and into the display case. Princess Andwena was told by a silly gentleman working behind the counter that that was against store policy and that if she would like to see some jewelry, she could ask and someone would get the jewelry for them. The Princess and Queen, from the land Nyeau Jearsae, understood not, perhaps because they were slightly drunk, but that’s a rumor. So, the Princess forgot and leaned over to get more jewelry, and let’s remember that these are standard jewelry cases, so that means she had to about lay on the counter. Lo did the silly gentleman once again inform her that she is not permitted to do that. Lo did the Princess forget again. Lo did the silly gentleman say the same thing. Lo did the Princess and the Queen forget yet again, and lo did another woman working behind the counter say “you can’t pull out the jewelry yourself” or similar. And lo, didst the Princess begin to shout racial epithets and horrible personal insults, which then escalated into the Princess slapping the woman behind the counter. Ever loyal, the Queen helped the princess slap the woman behind the counter. Mother and daughter, hitting a jewelry clerk. The birth of American pride!
The back of our ship is terraced, so there are two stair steps of deck chairs. This is a great place to read and hang out if you are someone who does not want the sun but wants to look at the ocean and kids running around and losing their minds. Also if you want to say to yourself “how young is too young for a bikini.” And I guess the main type of person who likes that on this cruise is someone close to 900 years old. So you can gaze out at 3 year olds in bikinis and have an ancient human with a small t-shirt and very high dress pants and belt cross your visual field.
Other quotes:
About 2 hours after we left, 12 year olds were running up and down the stairs, as per usual. One 12 year old shouted, with glee: “I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT THIS SHIP IS BORING!”
I may have said this before, however:
There is a big line outside of the two free restaurants most nights. We went to have dinner and the line was crazy (typical). One patron, a large-ish woman in a dress, but with a good sense of humor, said, regarding the line and the general situation: “There’s a line so slop must be good tonight.” Indeed, the slop was the “seafood night” which features lobster. When you order the lobster, the waitstaff must be instructed to always say “would you like some more lobster?” a la a coffee refill. Now I know to say no, because once I thought it was a joke and ended up with a second helping of lobster. This dish is called the Lobster and Grouper Extravaganza.
An additional tale from this ship and the sneaking suspicion that Jerry Springer is sending people here:
There was an incident with a teenage girl and her mother. Let’s call the teenager Princess Andwena and the mother Queen Lotollinate. Princess Andwena and Queen Lotollinate decided they would like to investigate the emerald offerings on the ship (since there is always a Columbian Emeralds store on every ship). They decided to simply reach over the counter and into the display case. Princess Andwena was told by a silly gentleman working behind the counter that that was against store policy and that if she would like to see some jewelry, she could ask and someone would get the jewelry for them. The Princess and Queen, from the land Nyeau Jearsae, understood not, perhaps because they were slightly drunk, but that’s a rumor. So, the Princess forgot and leaned over to get more jewelry, and let’s remember that these are standard jewelry cases, so that means she had to about lay on the counter. Lo did the silly gentleman once again inform her that she is not permitted to do that. Lo did the Princess forget again. Lo did the silly gentleman say the same thing. Lo did the Princess and the Queen forget yet again, and lo did another woman working behind the counter say “you can’t pull out the jewelry yourself” or similar. And lo, didst the Princess begin to shout racial epithets and horrible personal insults, which then escalated into the Princess slapping the woman behind the counter. Ever loyal, the Queen helped the princess slap the woman behind the counter. Mother and daughter, hitting a jewelry clerk. The birth of American pride!
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