Tuesday, July 22, 2008
weird divorces
I found out quite a few stories about crew members. There are a lot of people who I think make careers working on ships, meaning they make their lives in this tiny weird world. Meaning they marry each other, but they will also divorce each other, and still have to live on the same ship where everyone who goes out has to go out to the same places, since there are only like 2 options. There is also a lot of boyfriend swapping that goes on. This is all fascinating, but sort of feels like these hilarious old fart squares are being piloted around the ocean by perverts and deviants with no moral compasses. I am, however, a drama queen.
A Portrait of the Library
There is a lady of around 60 in here with a cough. She has this cough because of a post-nasal drip. She takes something twice a day but it is not working. I know this because she told someone sitting across from her, who asked her some question. The woman who asked her informed her that she and her husband got—*she just coughed—a cough from the air conditioning. There is another woman who is going to use the bathroom, which I know because she announced it. Another couple entered the library to say “look at --*someone else just coughed—“Look at all the books!”
Also, I can hear this verbatim, which is someone on her cellphone:
“Marnie can you hear me? Hi. You’re not going to believe this but we’re coming home on Sunday. We’re Coming Home on Sunday. Yes. We’re coming home on Sunday not Saturday. Can you hear it? SUNDAY. Yeeeeees. Okay. So be there one more day please? Thank you. I’ll tell you all about it when we get home. Bye bye.”
Conversation between the coughing woman and her husband:
“It’s dripping down my throat. I took my medicine.”
“So what do you want to do”
“Do you want to go have lunch?”
“Yeah, but hah I’ll just have a salad because I ate already.”
“There’s the BBQ. Shall we take it to the room”
“Maybe I’ll have pasta salad.”
“They have pistachio ice cream.”
“This is my second lunch.”
She is coughing. She is coughing again.
This is the reading room, which is a great place to make plans as judged by what is happening.
Also, I can overhear a lady presenting other cruises in the galaxy, a good place to make plans. Also a teenager saying “hii-iiiii.”
All of the coughing people left, now it is just me, a teenage boy, and a younger woman with her feet up. We are not making noise. WE WIN! Now it is just the woman and me and she is falling asleep. WE WIN! WE WIN WE WIN WE WIN!
---the people have been fed, so they have returned to the library. The hacking woman is back.
Also, I can hear this verbatim, which is someone on her cellphone:
“Marnie can you hear me? Hi. You’re not going to believe this but we’re coming home on Sunday. We’re Coming Home on Sunday. Yes. We’re coming home on Sunday not Saturday. Can you hear it? SUNDAY. Yeeeeees. Okay. So be there one more day please? Thank you. I’ll tell you all about it when we get home. Bye bye.”
Conversation between the coughing woman and her husband:
“It’s dripping down my throat. I took my medicine.”
“So what do you want to do”
“Do you want to go have lunch?”
“Yeah, but hah I’ll just have a salad because I ate already.”
“There’s the BBQ. Shall we take it to the room”
“Maybe I’ll have pasta salad.”
“They have pistachio ice cream.”
“This is my second lunch.”
She is coughing. She is coughing again.
This is the reading room, which is a great place to make plans as judged by what is happening.
Also, I can overhear a lady presenting other cruises in the galaxy, a good place to make plans. Also a teenager saying “hii-iiiii.”
All of the coughing people left, now it is just me, a teenage boy, and a younger woman with her feet up. We are not making noise. WE WIN! Now it is just the woman and me and she is falling asleep. WE WIN! WE WIN WE WIN WE WIN!
---the people have been fed, so they have returned to the library. The hacking woman is back.
Bali
How many people do you think live on the island of Bali? If you are me, you think “what, like 4,000?” Honestly, like 600 and each person has a puppet. Well, turns out there are TWENTY MILLION. And there are TWO HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION IN ALL OF INDONESIA. With a bunch of different dialects and one national language. Oh. (upon further research, turns out this is crap and he is exaggerating. O Bali.)
Apparently this crew bar is very normal, as far as crew bars go. When I saw a chef from the buffet making out with a random, very drunk woman in the hallway, under fluorescent lights, I was told “typical crew bar.” When I was surprised, other cast member informed me he had just made out with someone a second before. Oh.
We have two room stewards on our deck who are completely friendly, and, note: don’t clean our rooms. Which probably makes it easier to be friendly. They are both from Bali. I asked one guy about his cabin on the ship, how many roommates he had. He said he has 3, haha, that it is pretty much okay, ha ha, except for one guy. It smells and is always a mess because that one guy only has two socks and doesn’t wash them, ha ha. (!!!!!!!!!!!) So when he goes to his cabin, he shuts the curtain right away. Also, they can be loud, so he sleeps with an ipod, ha ha. We asked him if he’s excited to go home in a month, he said yes yes yes—he goes home for 4 months, via a 22 hour plane ride. He said the first time he was going home he got so excited he just kept drinking beer, especially once they hit Singapore. So that by the time his dad came to pick him up, he was so drunk he had to hold on to the wall to walk. So his dad said “WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU! AFTER ONLY 10 MONTHS IN AMERICA!” Then he said he loves seeing drunk people dance and we watched a few of them, mainly a youth counselor pretend to dance with people as they walked by. The same youth counselor who told me “I’m going to hug you for 5 seconds” and then “you’re incredible” and then “oh. You’re not as drunk as me.”
I then learned some Balinese words (apakapar is “how are you”) and that they have a very bad lack of sex education and that our room steward friend goes to the beach every day when he is home and fishes. Also, he has a house that is interesting and the “kitchen and bathroom are separate.” Also, “you must come to Bali Megan!” This is fun.
Apparently this crew bar is very normal, as far as crew bars go. When I saw a chef from the buffet making out with a random, very drunk woman in the hallway, under fluorescent lights, I was told “typical crew bar.” When I was surprised, other cast member informed me he had just made out with someone a second before. Oh.
We have two room stewards on our deck who are completely friendly, and, note: don’t clean our rooms. Which probably makes it easier to be friendly. They are both from Bali. I asked one guy about his cabin on the ship, how many roommates he had. He said he has 3, haha, that it is pretty much okay, ha ha, except for one guy. It smells and is always a mess because that one guy only has two socks and doesn’t wash them, ha ha. (!!!!!!!!!!!) So when he goes to his cabin, he shuts the curtain right away. Also, they can be loud, so he sleeps with an ipod, ha ha. We asked him if he’s excited to go home in a month, he said yes yes yes—he goes home for 4 months, via a 22 hour plane ride. He said the first time he was going home he got so excited he just kept drinking beer, especially once they hit Singapore. So that by the time his dad came to pick him up, he was so drunk he had to hold on to the wall to walk. So his dad said “WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU! AFTER ONLY 10 MONTHS IN AMERICA!” Then he said he loves seeing drunk people dance and we watched a few of them, mainly a youth counselor pretend to dance with people as they walked by. The same youth counselor who told me “I’m going to hug you for 5 seconds” and then “you’re incredible” and then “oh. You’re not as drunk as me.”
I then learned some Balinese words (apakapar is “how are you”) and that they have a very bad lack of sex education and that our room steward friend goes to the beach every day when he is home and fishes. Also, he has a house that is interesting and the “kitchen and bathroom are separate.” Also, “you must come to Bali Megan!” This is fun.
The Tiniest Anthony
It is our first day post show, so first thing this morning, I met a woman who said “girls, this lady does theater” to her two girls. They just nodded with their mouths open. I had just woken up, so I was a baritone. Then the woman said “do people stop you all day?” I said “yes,” which is a lie, because they only stop one guy from our cast constantly, probably because he is terrific and also because he is the only African American human in the cast. Then she said “probably when they hear your voice huh.” And I said “haha.”
So I ate a salad, because I was going to have 2 cookies. It is mobbed with human beings. One teenager stared at me, horrified, so he clearly saw the show. Then I sat outside and a 1 year old stared at me for probably 4 minutes solid. I did some faces and crazy ways to eat salad, which he found confusing or more reason to study me. His mom then said “Anthony, stop staring.” Everyone is named Anthony. Then a Filipino bus-girl with non-amazing English said “oh he is so cute!” and knelt down for a chat, which happened with the 30-ish New Jersey woman mom. The bus-girl was very interested in how old the kid was and his name. Apparently “Anthony” is difficult to understand and pronounce if you speak Tagalog normally, which is pretty hilarious considering that bus girl has just learned the name of probably 1,000 passengers. The mom was very concerned about the bus-girl’s contract and how long she is at sea. Also her hours and if she can get off the ship. And she was asking all of these questions in the loud, nasal New Jersey way, and the soft spoken Filipino girl held Anthony’s hand and smiled and laughed and generally had a very good time.
The brother of our music director is on board and described the Ganges, that they don’t cremate cows or priests, so they are just floating along in the river. This is the kind of thing to remember when you see an Indian gentleman picking up after an incredibly lazy American who just say, threw a cookie on the ground. Mainly, instead of flipping out that he is oppressed and miserable, maybe it’s like “meh, not a big deal. Have you seen my bathroom! My English is getting so AWESOME!” Same with all the folks from Peru who work here. Or maybe they don’t care or whatever.
There is a crew band that plays every once in a while in the crew bar. They are not the paid musicians, just guys with guitars and someone’s drum set. The hilarious aspect is that all crew members basically have to have the same, very conservative haircut. Like there are life sized photos of how the crew members should dress with first-person little notes like “I have NO earrings and I’m wearing a little cologne to smell GREAT!” Also, one guy was wearing an “Aeropostale” shirt which he clearly bought at the mall in Florida. They try to look more badass with the addition of baseball hats. My favorite is that sometimes some of the crew members wear their hats like the hilarious Italian teenage gentleman on board. Meaning, a pristine baseball hat, artfully set at an angle. The crew members can’t do that in passenger areas, although I do not understand it. It feels like “I secretly dress like you.”
So I ate a salad, because I was going to have 2 cookies. It is mobbed with human beings. One teenager stared at me, horrified, so he clearly saw the show. Then I sat outside and a 1 year old stared at me for probably 4 minutes solid. I did some faces and crazy ways to eat salad, which he found confusing or more reason to study me. His mom then said “Anthony, stop staring.” Everyone is named Anthony. Then a Filipino bus-girl with non-amazing English said “oh he is so cute!” and knelt down for a chat, which happened with the 30-ish New Jersey woman mom. The bus-girl was very interested in how old the kid was and his name. Apparently “Anthony” is difficult to understand and pronounce if you speak Tagalog normally, which is pretty hilarious considering that bus girl has just learned the name of probably 1,000 passengers. The mom was very concerned about the bus-girl’s contract and how long she is at sea. Also her hours and if she can get off the ship. And she was asking all of these questions in the loud, nasal New Jersey way, and the soft spoken Filipino girl held Anthony’s hand and smiled and laughed and generally had a very good time.
The brother of our music director is on board and described the Ganges, that they don’t cremate cows or priests, so they are just floating along in the river. This is the kind of thing to remember when you see an Indian gentleman picking up after an incredibly lazy American who just say, threw a cookie on the ground. Mainly, instead of flipping out that he is oppressed and miserable, maybe it’s like “meh, not a big deal. Have you seen my bathroom! My English is getting so AWESOME!” Same with all the folks from Peru who work here. Or maybe they don’t care or whatever.
There is a crew band that plays every once in a while in the crew bar. They are not the paid musicians, just guys with guitars and someone’s drum set. The hilarious aspect is that all crew members basically have to have the same, very conservative haircut. Like there are life sized photos of how the crew members should dress with first-person little notes like “I have NO earrings and I’m wearing a little cologne to smell GREAT!” Also, one guy was wearing an “Aeropostale” shirt which he clearly bought at the mall in Florida. They try to look more badass with the addition of baseball hats. My favorite is that sometimes some of the crew members wear their hats like the hilarious Italian teenage gentleman on board. Meaning, a pristine baseball hat, artfully set at an angle. The crew members can’t do that in passenger areas, although I do not understand it. It feels like “I secretly dress like you.”
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Day 1 of the Cruise
Right now, there is a couple in front of me dancing in the atrium, probably both like 28 ish, somehow he looks meathead-ish and she looks like she’s done a lot of dancing. Directly in front of me is a table of 4 Chinese people talking in Chinese and laughing about something.
Next to me on the left is another Chinese woman with her feet on a chair, sitting next to her crutches. I can hear the lounge singer, who plays piano and a recorded accompaniment with flutes/drums/what is needed—ooh, that was just trumpets. He sings, currently we are hearing “Fly Me to the Moon.” He is great, sounds great. He looks nothing like his voice. Just saying.
In case you were curious if anywhere is quiet, the answer is no. I can see: 24 people in my line of vision. A bunch more have just entered. I am now leaving the vicinity. This is the night where 0 places are quiet. There are roving humans from New Jersey everywhere, most of them teenagers getting in fights. STIMUL-TRAP!
We met a delightful gentleman from Pennsylvania in the hottub who did not kill us. He is from a town very close to my parents and informed me that Camp Hill, PA is a “big trucking town” and named a bunch of road numbers, because clearly he drives all the time. He is a driver from UPS and has been for 16 years. Apparently, “they are rough on their people.” When asked how Day 1 of his cruise is going, he said “f*cking great.” (I bleep for you Michelle). He then proudly told us he had 2 quarts of rum and 3 [some impressive word] cigars, but that we better get there quick, because the first quart is already half gone (they got on board around 3 p.m., p.s.). He then corrected us on the proper prison recipe for vodka (“slice the potato and put in a little bread, so the yeast activates”). Then he mentioned his “6 f*cking years in the Navy” that taught him how to make bilge wine. I wanted to geek out and talk about bilge wine, but he was terrifying and he did not know he was in a hot tub with 4 actors, a musician, and the musician’s gay brother from San Francisco. We vaguely said “we work on the ship” so he didn’t catch on and skin us and just said “this is the life!” a ton of times.
Also, the visual present from today:
I have no idea what part of the country does this (probably New Jersey), but there is a thing amongst teenage boys to get a) incredibly ripped in the chest region, b) aggressively sculpt their eyebrows—I mean, clearly wax them, and wax them pretty far apart in the middle, and c) get weird, very short haircuts that look like they are from the 50’s or something—almost bald along the bottom hairline, then a very gradual fade. These two jokers had a bunch of designs carved into that gradual fade section. And diamond earrings. They did laps on the first floor with no shirts on and kept getting lost. We walked by and caught them talking about their reps, very concerned if they should do 12 or 16. Fascinating.
There is a lot of the very long wife beater over very baggy basketball shorts look here.
My parents came to visit and check out the ship.
Next to me on the left is another Chinese woman with her feet on a chair, sitting next to her crutches. I can hear the lounge singer, who plays piano and a recorded accompaniment with flutes/drums/what is needed—ooh, that was just trumpets. He sings, currently we are hearing “Fly Me to the Moon.” He is great, sounds great. He looks nothing like his voice. Just saying.
In case you were curious if anywhere is quiet, the answer is no. I can see: 24 people in my line of vision. A bunch more have just entered. I am now leaving the vicinity. This is the night where 0 places are quiet. There are roving humans from New Jersey everywhere, most of them teenagers getting in fights. STIMUL-TRAP!
We met a delightful gentleman from Pennsylvania in the hottub who did not kill us. He is from a town very close to my parents and informed me that Camp Hill, PA is a “big trucking town” and named a bunch of road numbers, because clearly he drives all the time. He is a driver from UPS and has been for 16 years. Apparently, “they are rough on their people.” When asked how Day 1 of his cruise is going, he said “f*cking great.” (I bleep for you Michelle). He then proudly told us he had 2 quarts of rum and 3 [some impressive word] cigars, but that we better get there quick, because the first quart is already half gone (they got on board around 3 p.m., p.s.). He then corrected us on the proper prison recipe for vodka (“slice the potato and put in a little bread, so the yeast activates”). Then he mentioned his “6 f*cking years in the Navy” that taught him how to make bilge wine. I wanted to geek out and talk about bilge wine, but he was terrifying and he did not know he was in a hot tub with 4 actors, a musician, and the musician’s gay brother from San Francisco. We vaguely said “we work on the ship” so he didn’t catch on and skin us and just said “this is the life!” a ton of times.
Also, the visual present from today:
I have no idea what part of the country does this (probably New Jersey), but there is a thing amongst teenage boys to get a) incredibly ripped in the chest region, b) aggressively sculpt their eyebrows—I mean, clearly wax them, and wax them pretty far apart in the middle, and c) get weird, very short haircuts that look like they are from the 50’s or something—almost bald along the bottom hairline, then a very gradual fade. These two jokers had a bunch of designs carved into that gradual fade section. And diamond earrings. They did laps on the first floor with no shirts on and kept getting lost. We walked by and caught them talking about their reps, very concerned if they should do 12 or 16. Fascinating.
There is a lot of the very long wife beater over very baggy basketball shorts look here.
My parents came to visit and check out the ship.
Bartender note
Here’s a lesson:
In the crew bar, all things are equal.
Don’t ask the bartender to decide your white wine choice for you. It’s not fun for him, he’s not interested and “whatever’s cold!” will just get you a stare in the face. Oooh they love to stare in the faaace.
In the crew bar, all things are equal.
Don’t ask the bartender to decide your white wine choice for you. It’s not fun for him, he’s not interested and “whatever’s cold!” will just get you a stare in the face. Oooh they love to stare in the faaace.
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