Here is how to be unsatisfied on a cruiseship in a morning:
Desire quiet coffee and maybe a little reading.
This is the buffet at 9 a.m.: “YAAH YAH BLAH BLAH YAH YAH BLAH CLANG CLANG BLAH YAH HAHAHAHAHA BLAH BLAH BLAH!” with old old old people walking at .003 mph with their Metale Accoutrements and mouths open, 8 year olds spazzing around and adult people going “Hiiiii!!!!” and making introductions in the middle of a hallway. So I went outside naturally because it is cold out there and our typical cruise persons don’t like things that don’t feel like the womb (meow catty meow). So my cast mate sat down and said “why are you here it is cold” and told me about the underwear that makes him feel sexy and how a gay dancer likes him and working out and lifting and I told him to stop which obviously made it all more exciting to discuss. Then we were joined by another castmate and then the traffic started to increase and at 9 a.m. on the COLD deck there is a) music and b) 4 people in the hot tub like 10 feet away and there was too much noise and c) the second you have your last bite someone says, with a smile and a latex glove “all finished ma’am?!” and takes your plate. So I went to the reading room, because it is where you READ which you have to do in QUIET, but they leave the door open and people walk by and say “OH THIS IS THE READING ROOM” and the two old people quietly looking out the window start talking in full volume and two 11 year olds start whispering and the old old old .003 mph guy from the cafeteria made it to the reading room and entered, which is not a joke, so I went to the card room 2 doors down which was completely empty and makes people walk by and say “OH THIS IS THE CARD ROOM” and listened to full volume shuffling from the game room and French people talking very loudly and laughing and people going by with “OH I HAVEN’T PLAYED CARDS IN SO LONG I WOULDN’T REMEMBER IF YOU PAID ME” and various endless comments. ENDLESS! ENDLESS COMMENTS! ENDLESS ENDLESS ENDLESS! “LET’S GO TO DAAAAAAD’S FLOOR!” “BLAH BLAH!” “I’M AWAKE AND KNOW HOW TO SPEAK!” and then a Chinese family entered and started opening up the cabinets and probably saying, in Chinese “OH THIS IS THE CARD ROOM!” GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
So I left to hear a woman loudly getting her cellphone “YEAH WE’RE FINE HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU ALL FINE? WE’RE FINE, YEAH YEAH” ENDLESS! END! LE! SSS! Also that call cost her like $5.
And I am hiding in my room now, and now they’re making announcements like this “BING BONG THIS IS THE CAPTAIN” or “BING BONG THIS IS THE CRUISE DIRECTOR” and also the ship is having steering problems and is shaking like crazy and listing back and forth and we heard in detail why we’re not supposed to worry even though it feels like the ship just hit something or is having an earthquake and creaks and stuff fell off our shelves. Oh dear lord he is still making them, I will now type as he talks: There is a leap year sale today and they are competitive with the upcoming ports, 15% of in the Galleria. Our internet café is open on midship deck 9. Our manger is there. He can explain the internet for you. Photo gallery is open. You can get them. ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!! THIS IS ENDLESS!
Cruises are for people with a deep desire for constant stimulus. Jenny came to visit and said “so you live in a casino.” This is accurate.
The past cast people left us ear plugs, and I just understand why. Thank you past cast people.
My favorite moment from yesterday was the room next to us. Two guys decided to take a cruise together, both around 30-ish probably, morbidly obese for LA, hefty for Indianapolis, but something must have happened. I walked by to hear spraying and then “that’s good, that’s good—that’s good!!” with the door open and then was hit with a crazy blast of like half a can of air freshener. One was on the bed, the other was bent over something. Then I saw them later, watching tv, both lying on their bed, with the door open, which I decided was because they had to air out the air freshener. Air freshener doesn’t come with the room. This means one of them packed it, which is probably my favorite part of the story. I hope one was like “oh God, 8 days with Neil, I’m bringing Fabreeze” or one was like “oh God, my feet, Todd is going to freak out to be in the same room with my feet” or one was like “Fine Neil, I’ll come, but listen, you have something wrong with you and if I smell it, you pay for the whole cruise.”
Friday, February 29, 2008
Spa Logic
Spa logiiiiic
We have a spa on board, wand while feeling especially insane and stir crazy, I went to the spa to relax, because that’s what I have in my 13 story house that I share with 2,000 people and 1,000 servants, to quote a castmate.
So I steamed, showered, slept with a book on my wet bikini, heh, and went back to the locker room to change. I was very blissed out and calmly got my stuff out of my locker. It’s like any spa—they give you a key that you wear around your wrist with a little phone cord like holder. So behind me was a standard, middle aged, average sized woman in a bathrobe, just standing there, but I was so relaxed I didn’t care. She goes “well, you’d think they’d give you lockers far away from each other.” I said “what” she said, sarcastically, “I mean there are sooo maaaaaaany of us in here.” I still didn’t get it, then as I was getting dressed, she opened the locker directly next to mine. The whole room was empty. I said “oooh, I see, yeah, I guess you’re right.” She then said, “oh well, I guess I just like logic!” and frowned and cocked her head sideways and pursed her lips like you do when you are a stranger who tells other strangers why things are crazy.
She then got dressed.
She put on a cover-up that was a t-shirt which went to her knees, and on that t-shirt was a cartoon of a woman’s body, very tan, and in a neon-pink thong bikini. Like those shirts guys wear with a 6-pack and pecks airbrushed on the front. The curves of the cartoon boobs and can were accentuated with gold glitter. She was also too short for the cartoon body, so it looked like a vaguely porn-ish woman with incredibly short legs—like legs as long as her torso. I guess she just likes logic!
Also, in teaching improv classes to kids, we have a question and answer session for them. The counselors wisely said “no personal questions” which is handy because in someone’s class, one kid raised his hand and said, “for future reference, how much money do you make?” So this time we got these questions:
a) “Can I tell a joke?”
b) “Can I tell a joke?”
Then after we said “Our show starts tonight at 8:15” a kid said he had a question which was “And what time does it end?”
We have a spa on board, wand while feeling especially insane and stir crazy, I went to the spa to relax, because that’s what I have in my 13 story house that I share with 2,000 people and 1,000 servants, to quote a castmate.
So I steamed, showered, slept with a book on my wet bikini, heh, and went back to the locker room to change. I was very blissed out and calmly got my stuff out of my locker. It’s like any spa—they give you a key that you wear around your wrist with a little phone cord like holder. So behind me was a standard, middle aged, average sized woman in a bathrobe, just standing there, but I was so relaxed I didn’t care. She goes “well, you’d think they’d give you lockers far away from each other.” I said “what” she said, sarcastically, “I mean there are sooo maaaaaaany of us in here.” I still didn’t get it, then as I was getting dressed, she opened the locker directly next to mine. The whole room was empty. I said “oooh, I see, yeah, I guess you’re right.” She then said, “oh well, I guess I just like logic!” and frowned and cocked her head sideways and pursed her lips like you do when you are a stranger who tells other strangers why things are crazy.
She then got dressed.
She put on a cover-up that was a t-shirt which went to her knees, and on that t-shirt was a cartoon of a woman’s body, very tan, and in a neon-pink thong bikini. Like those shirts guys wear with a 6-pack and pecks airbrushed on the front. The curves of the cartoon boobs and can were accentuated with gold glitter. She was also too short for the cartoon body, so it looked like a vaguely porn-ish woman with incredibly short legs—like legs as long as her torso. I guess she just likes logic!
Also, in teaching improv classes to kids, we have a question and answer session for them. The counselors wisely said “no personal questions” which is handy because in someone’s class, one kid raised his hand and said, “for future reference, how much money do you make?” So this time we got these questions:
a) “Can I tell a joke?”
b) “Can I tell a joke?”
Then after we said “Our show starts tonight at 8:15” a kid said he had a question which was “And what time does it end?”
A Visit to Cabo
CABO
We went to cabo, where 3 other cruise ships were in port, which felt like everyone with sellable merchandise was running in circles with their hair on fire. We met 100000000000 mexicans in this way: "whistle lady? Whistle whistle whistle?" also "plate? plate plate plate plate?" also "necklace? Necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace " Then, for the more subtle approach, serious faced men would come up holding 4 different bracelets or necklaces and just put them in your face. Or another guy varied it—he’d come up behind you at lunch in your café, and do a surprise ambush with 15 SILVERNECKLACES ON ONE SIDE!!! and then 1 SILVER NECKLACE ON THE OTHER!!! of: your head. If someone has a mental breakdown and goes “I DO NOT WANT A NECKLACE” and howls for like 1 hour solid, I will not blame them.
My favorite souvenir shirt thus far: I'M SHY but I have a big dick (Puerto Vuellarta) Hilarious. I did not got to the RESORT (tm) in Cabo today, for an identical 4th day. This is prosperous to my mental health and my desire not to eat the same $9 fish fingers. Instead I saw all the yachts in Cabo which provided a diversion, then I said “hey, let’s go into the Rolex store!” for some change of scenery. We did. No one has ever spoken to me in Spanish ever ever because I am an extremely white person and my sunscreens are SPF 70 (face) and SPF 50 (person, via aerosol). My eyebrows are so light it looks like they disappear. A very Mexican stranger bumped into me in Puerto Vallarta and said “excuse me.” The woman behind the counter said “hola, que tal?!” which was creepy and then the armed guards—armed to the point of army fatigues, an AK-47 and bullet proof vest—didn’t make eye contact while the woman pretended she thought we were Mexican and could afford a diamond with 100 facets instead of the crap 46-56 and actually told us about a $65,000 necklace. So we got “necklace?” again but the incredibly high rent version.
There are millions of whales around Cabo, which is still weird. I never realized that beached whales can still breathe, they are crushed by their own body weight or because their skin dries out. Also, I do not understand how they can have the whole ocean as a home, even though they have to leave certain parts of it. I don't understand how they can migrate so much and have no little den anywhere. I know that is insane, but I am being honest.
We went to cabo, where 3 other cruise ships were in port, which felt like everyone with sellable merchandise was running in circles with their hair on fire. We met 100000000000 mexicans in this way: "whistle lady? Whistle whistle whistle?" also "plate? plate plate plate plate?" also "necklace? Necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace necklace " Then, for the more subtle approach, serious faced men would come up holding 4 different bracelets or necklaces and just put them in your face. Or another guy varied it—he’d come up behind you at lunch in your café, and do a surprise ambush with 15 SILVERNECKLACES ON ONE SIDE!!! and then 1 SILVER NECKLACE ON THE OTHER!!! of: your head. If someone has a mental breakdown and goes “I DO NOT WANT A NECKLACE” and howls for like 1 hour solid, I will not blame them.
My favorite souvenir shirt thus far: I'M SHY but I have a big dick (Puerto Vuellarta) Hilarious. I did not got to the RESORT (tm) in Cabo today, for an identical 4th day. This is prosperous to my mental health and my desire not to eat the same $9 fish fingers. Instead I saw all the yachts in Cabo which provided a diversion, then I said “hey, let’s go into the Rolex store!” for some change of scenery. We did. No one has ever spoken to me in Spanish ever ever because I am an extremely white person and my sunscreens are SPF 70 (face) and SPF 50 (person, via aerosol). My eyebrows are so light it looks like they disappear. A very Mexican stranger bumped into me in Puerto Vallarta and said “excuse me.” The woman behind the counter said “hola, que tal?!” which was creepy and then the armed guards—armed to the point of army fatigues, an AK-47 and bullet proof vest—didn’t make eye contact while the woman pretended she thought we were Mexican and could afford a diamond with 100 facets instead of the crap 46-56 and actually told us about a $65,000 necklace. So we got “necklace?” again but the incredibly high rent version.
There are millions of whales around Cabo, which is still weird. I never realized that beached whales can still breathe, they are crushed by their own body weight or because their skin dries out. Also, I do not understand how they can have the whole ocean as a home, even though they have to leave certain parts of it. I don't understand how they can migrate so much and have no little den anywhere. I know that is insane, but I am being honest.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Elderly Funn
We had lunch with an older couple, Gloria and Bill, from Chicago—“well, the suburbs” in the main dining room. It was very hilarious. She was a 5’ tall firecracker who is a real estate broker because she can do it whenever she wants and she is NOT going to retire because “retired people get bored and then they get really negative. We have each other so if the other one starts to get negative, we just say ‘hey! Stop it!’” She also complained of the society of the elderly, insofar as her retired friends “always want to go to 2 for 1 dinners or use coupons or eat at a certain time. Ugh, I just don’t want to do that. So it’s easier to just invite them over. Although they never reciprocate.” She also said about retiring: “I mean how many lunches can you have and how much golf can you play. I mean how many hours can you volunteer.” Which made me want to jump off a bridge.
Gloria informed us that she was very with it, because she has a Treo and also knows how to text message her grand children, which their OTHER grandmother, who is a little YOUNGER than she is does NOT know how to do. She also has over 500 real estate contacts and she also had full braces, which was impressive and made a statement because she had to be like 70 at least. My castmate/coworker/cronie Mark told her he was a vegetarian, which she wanted to discuss to the point of bothering him to talk about factory farming, and then she said she related because she is very concerned about conserving water, to the point that she times her grandchildren’s showers. She was sorry to get a more sophisticated house because before she would go downstairs and turn off the pump. Now she says she walks in there and says “you have one more minute to wash your hair—and you have to say that because they’re just in there writing on the shower door or something.” She says she teaches them all “waste not want not” and informed us that her kids have an artistic bent too and that hopefully we’ll make it big before she hits a wheelchair. They were both very sure of the fact that we have chosen the appropriate time of life to do this.
She was also hilariously sure of her grand daughter’s poor singing ability and told us “well, my grand daughter got cast in the lead of My Fair Lady at her school. She’s not a good singer but I guess she was the best they could find. They’re having someone come in to work with her but I told her to join the chorus.” This made Mark and I laugh out loud and then quickly stop because apparently this was not a joke.
We also covered the Prince of Dubai and the fact that on OTHER ships (people love talking about this) you can get a BUTLER who will bring you coffee and fresh fruit to your ROOM. And on OTHER ships there is an indoor ice skating rink and ice shows and a rock climbing wall. They were NOT happy with our cruise line because they KEPT messing up the coffee order and they even got a towel with holes. They got a cab driver to take them around Zhuatenejo and Ixtapa and wait while they had breakfast and while they got a massage—“you walk right through Senor Frog’s and go right on the beach and there are little huts there where you can get a massage for $15 for half an hour. They gave them to men and women at once—very discreet. Oh we loved Ixtapa.”
Mark and I got off and fully explored Zhuatenejo. When you walk around there for a while, and this is a little tourist coastal town, you find a lot of young army guys with very serious AK-47 type guns. Just, you know, hanging around. We also went into the market, with very few gringos, which was very cool, except for the incredibly large amount of very dead chickens who still had their heads, but no feathers and smelled faintly of fetal pig. Also all sorts of meat hanging from string and pegs or kinda sitting on a counter. The market was very cool, and there is no way in hell I will ever belong in Mexico because I am way too tall and way too white, so I will always wear I AM A TOURIST grade shorts and running shoes because who cares. Unfortunately I would also make an attractive kidnapping. Since like 2,000 whities visit one town at once and the jungle is close by, I am guessing this is why there were so many cops. Or death cops.
Also, while sitting on a side street to rest in the shade briefly, we saw guys coming back to their apartments from fleecing the tourists (with a guitar, or an accordion. One drunken pair consisted of a guy with a level. Obviously.) we also heard a guy shout to another guy “Cabbrone. Vamanos.” Which is “hey asshole, let’s go.” Ah the universal language of friendship.
Gloria informed us that she was very with it, because she has a Treo and also knows how to text message her grand children, which their OTHER grandmother, who is a little YOUNGER than she is does NOT know how to do. She also has over 500 real estate contacts and she also had full braces, which was impressive and made a statement because she had to be like 70 at least. My castmate/coworker/cronie Mark told her he was a vegetarian, which she wanted to discuss to the point of bothering him to talk about factory farming, and then she said she related because she is very concerned about conserving water, to the point that she times her grandchildren’s showers. She was sorry to get a more sophisticated house because before she would go downstairs and turn off the pump. Now she says she walks in there and says “you have one more minute to wash your hair—and you have to say that because they’re just in there writing on the shower door or something.” She says she teaches them all “waste not want not” and informed us that her kids have an artistic bent too and that hopefully we’ll make it big before she hits a wheelchair. They were both very sure of the fact that we have chosen the appropriate time of life to do this.
She was also hilariously sure of her grand daughter’s poor singing ability and told us “well, my grand daughter got cast in the lead of My Fair Lady at her school. She’s not a good singer but I guess she was the best they could find. They’re having someone come in to work with her but I told her to join the chorus.” This made Mark and I laugh out loud and then quickly stop because apparently this was not a joke.
We also covered the Prince of Dubai and the fact that on OTHER ships (people love talking about this) you can get a BUTLER who will bring you coffee and fresh fruit to your ROOM. And on OTHER ships there is an indoor ice skating rink and ice shows and a rock climbing wall. They were NOT happy with our cruise line because they KEPT messing up the coffee order and they even got a towel with holes. They got a cab driver to take them around Zhuatenejo and Ixtapa and wait while they had breakfast and while they got a massage—“you walk right through Senor Frog’s and go right on the beach and there are little huts there where you can get a massage for $15 for half an hour. They gave them to men and women at once—very discreet. Oh we loved Ixtapa.”
Mark and I got off and fully explored Zhuatenejo. When you walk around there for a while, and this is a little tourist coastal town, you find a lot of young army guys with very serious AK-47 type guns. Just, you know, hanging around. We also went into the market, with very few gringos, which was very cool, except for the incredibly large amount of very dead chickens who still had their heads, but no feathers and smelled faintly of fetal pig. Also all sorts of meat hanging from string and pegs or kinda sitting on a counter. The market was very cool, and there is no way in hell I will ever belong in Mexico because I am way too tall and way too white, so I will always wear I AM A TOURIST grade shorts and running shoes because who cares. Unfortunately I would also make an attractive kidnapping. Since like 2,000 whities visit one town at once and the jungle is close by, I am guessing this is why there were so many cops. Or death cops.
Also, while sitting on a side street to rest in the shade briefly, we saw guys coming back to their apartments from fleecing the tourists (with a guitar, or an accordion. One drunken pair consisted of a guy with a level. Obviously.) we also heard a guy shout to another guy “Cabbrone. Vamanos.” Which is “hey asshole, let’s go.” Ah the universal language of friendship.
The Other Shows
It is very difficult to understand that we actually live here. I have realized it fully by protesting the musical theatre shows that we see out of support three times a week. The only problem is that these are the exact same shows with only minute changes. These dancers are called the Jars. They are going to be our deepest friends apparently. Two of them are French so we are going to have a French table where we speak French. Or they speak French and we struggle and accidentally swear. This is what happens when you were fluent in French 10 years ago, and you are saying 10 because 12 seems too overwhelming, even though it is the truth, and by “you” I mean “me.”
During one Jar show, there is a dramatic point where the lead singer jumps of stage (very impressive jump) and runs up the aisle, across the audience, and down the other aisle and then hops back up on stage. The theater seats like 1,900 or something insane. He gets the audience rallied and makes them sing “we will rock you” along with the other young hotties on stage. He has a wireless mike on his face. There is a lot of “c’mon y’all! Sing it with me!” He is followed by a spotlight and he wears sequins. This all combined with disaster when he said “c’mon y’all! sing it with me!!” and stopped in front of a very obese gray haired gentleman with a large beard that flowed down onto his chest. Said gentlemen was just startled and looked down and back and forth really quickly and didn’t do anything, which we all saw because he was in a spotlight.
Also, during cruise ship shows, people freely come in and leave, even if it is the front row, where we also saw a guy texting and using his phone to read the program—this was during a show where someone heartfelt-edly sings “Memory” from yes, obviously, Cats. This is also during our shows, it is fine, that’s how it is, that’s the deal. This also happens when we, say, are teaching a seminar that is apparently boring or maybe not loud enough (ZING! ELDERLY! ZING!) When said Jar was doing his run up the aisle, across the audience, down the aisle, an Asian family came in to take a seat during that song, so a 6 year-old girl found herself in the spotlight, totally in the way of the singer trying to haul ass to get back on stage to keep singing We Will Rock You. She got tangled up in his legs staring back at her mom for like 3 stair-steps, while this terrifying dynamo is going "HAHAHA C'MON Y'ALL!! HAHAHA!"
It is also very difficult to remember that you are not 75 or older and usually keep your mouth in the open position. It is very difficult. Sometimes you have to hide in your room and read books to attempt to remember this. Books about people who are YOUNG! and have no problems. I saw a young guy on the boat and openly gawked and all he was was 30-ish and not obese or walking like he only had joints in his waist and knees. Insane.
During one Jar show, there is a dramatic point where the lead singer jumps of stage (very impressive jump) and runs up the aisle, across the audience, and down the other aisle and then hops back up on stage. The theater seats like 1,900 or something insane. He gets the audience rallied and makes them sing “we will rock you” along with the other young hotties on stage. He has a wireless mike on his face. There is a lot of “c’mon y’all! Sing it with me!” He is followed by a spotlight and he wears sequins. This all combined with disaster when he said “c’mon y’all! sing it with me!!” and stopped in front of a very obese gray haired gentleman with a large beard that flowed down onto his chest. Said gentlemen was just startled and looked down and back and forth really quickly and didn’t do anything, which we all saw because he was in a spotlight.
Also, during cruise ship shows, people freely come in and leave, even if it is the front row, where we also saw a guy texting and using his phone to read the program—this was during a show where someone heartfelt-edly sings “Memory” from yes, obviously, Cats. This is also during our shows, it is fine, that’s how it is, that’s the deal. This also happens when we, say, are teaching a seminar that is apparently boring or maybe not loud enough (ZING! ELDERLY! ZING!) When said Jar was doing his run up the aisle, across the audience, down the aisle, an Asian family came in to take a seat during that song, so a 6 year-old girl found herself in the spotlight, totally in the way of the singer trying to haul ass to get back on stage to keep singing We Will Rock You. She got tangled up in his legs staring back at her mom for like 3 stair-steps, while this terrifying dynamo is going "HAHAHA C'MON Y'ALL!! HAHAHA!"
It is also very difficult to remember that you are not 75 or older and usually keep your mouth in the open position. It is very difficult. Sometimes you have to hide in your room and read books to attempt to remember this. Books about people who are YOUNG! and have no problems. I saw a young guy on the boat and openly gawked and all he was was 30-ish and not obese or walking like he only had joints in his waist and knees. Insane.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
To Be Sick Upon a Cruise Ship
I have had a plague for a few days. Not the crazy vomit/crapping sickness, just a boring cold that might be partially flu that when you walk around for like 25 minutes, you immediately want to go to bed. Or if you start to watch a movie, you pass out. But more than that, I have finally dealt with my stomach, which constantly hurts, which has constantly hurt since I started the cruise. I finally went to the infirmary thing while everyone else was out on a smaller fun boat, cruising around the bay of Acapulco, drinking and making out, even though the magician was also on board with his mom. And the engine died for a half hour (oh Mexico). So.
The infirmary is on deck 4 and staffed by a Filipino nurse and a South African doctor. They were very stressed because an extremely old man and wife were down there with their extremely old son. The extremely old man maybe had a stroke, and they were trying to figure it out with x-rays (yes, they have that machine on the boat) and a bunch of running around and making the guy sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, etc. They were trying to see if he should disembark, even though he was trying to talk them out of it. His wife said “WHERE’RE YOUR SHOES!” because he was shuffling around without them, and he also said “ANNETTE!” after struggling to take off his necklace before he got his xray. The Filipino nurse came up to them and gently explained what was going to happen. Then she walked away and extremely old man said to his wife “What’d she say?!” and extremely old wife said “I don’t know!” Then son came down and spoke to them in the appropriate volume.
Meanwhile, myself and other crew members, dressed in their uniforms, complete with apron (I don’t understand) were moved to the more inconvenient chairs around the corner and out of sight from the extremely old people. There I sat between two waiters, one of whom froze and said “Spires and gar…mutter” which was the chapter heading of my very boring F. Scott Fitzgerald book that he was clearly reading over my shoulder. Then he got bored and went back to shaking his leg, and I don’t blame him because I barely care about Princeton in the 1940’s, why should a waiter from the Phillipines. The nurse got ripped a new one over the phone from a passenger, who then brought her son down to the medical center. Passenger said “when you tell me the same thing over and over again, it is irritating” in a loud mouthy way that would indicate she is from California. Her son also had GI, and was therefore profusely vomiting, but they had a loud back and forth about whether or not there was also diarrhea. I decided he did not have GI apparently because I scratched my eye. No one in the infirmary joked around at all, the Filipino nurse said clearly to everybody that came in, including a room service guy (?) who took the GI kid back to his room in a wheelchair: “fully sanitize that chair when you are done.” And “call cleaning to have them fully sanitize that bathroom.” There were a lot of silent and serious nods. My favorite was when the nurse said “Where’s your pee!” to me, referring to a urine sample and I saw her test for something, which involved her putting in like a pH stick and going “well, you don’t have that” out loud in the bathroom.
Then more passengers came in and crew members started coming in, but the nurse made the crew members sit in the hall, behind a closed door. I think none of the crew members got helped, except for me on a fluke. After about 2.5 hours, I was told that my stomach pain is qualified as “general abdominal pain” and got hard core ibuprofen. So I decided that it was all in my head and logically celebrated with ice cream and double dessert.
To note: there is an intensive care unit in the ship’s medical center, along with an operating theater.
To note: if you stay on the ship during the longest port day, which is what I did due to my plague, you will feast your eyes on a cornucopia of very very elderly people. Most of them have the walker with the seat in it, some of them prefer to sit on that walker instead of a normal chair in the buffet, one of them prefers to do that and tuck the napkin in her collar. There is a lot of elderly hair dye going on on this cruise, and also a passenger with incredible plastic surgery. She doesn’t look like a plastic surgery widget a la Los Angeles, but she looks oddly 38 with 24 year old textured skin, and must be in her mid-60’s, because her buddy looks about that. I heard her violently flip out about white shoes and how terrible her friend/daughter’s white shoes are and how dirty they are and “she spends $200 on necklaces, you’re telling me she can’t get a new pair of white shoes???”
To note: I also witnessed an elderly take over of the buffet line. About 10 elderly adults worked in a unit and cut in front of a 30’s-ish woman. They ran around and looked serious and didn’t make eye contact holding their silverware/napkin roll and informed said 30’s-ish woman that “if we don’t want salad we can cut ahead” even though the 15-odd other people didn’t hear that rule and also that rule is a lie that they made up. Then another extremely old woman walked right in front of a cast mate and said “oh the lines must merge.” Cast mate said “no, the line is this long one and ends over there,” extremely old couple went ahead and cut. ELDERLY TYRANNY!
The infirmary is on deck 4 and staffed by a Filipino nurse and a South African doctor. They were very stressed because an extremely old man and wife were down there with their extremely old son. The extremely old man maybe had a stroke, and they were trying to figure it out with x-rays (yes, they have that machine on the boat) and a bunch of running around and making the guy sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, sit, get up, etc. They were trying to see if he should disembark, even though he was trying to talk them out of it. His wife said “WHERE’RE YOUR SHOES!” because he was shuffling around without them, and he also said “ANNETTE!” after struggling to take off his necklace before he got his xray. The Filipino nurse came up to them and gently explained what was going to happen. Then she walked away and extremely old man said to his wife “What’d she say?!” and extremely old wife said “I don’t know!” Then son came down and spoke to them in the appropriate volume.
Meanwhile, myself and other crew members, dressed in their uniforms, complete with apron (I don’t understand) were moved to the more inconvenient chairs around the corner and out of sight from the extremely old people. There I sat between two waiters, one of whom froze and said “Spires and gar…mutter” which was the chapter heading of my very boring F. Scott Fitzgerald book that he was clearly reading over my shoulder. Then he got bored and went back to shaking his leg, and I don’t blame him because I barely care about Princeton in the 1940’s, why should a waiter from the Phillipines. The nurse got ripped a new one over the phone from a passenger, who then brought her son down to the medical center. Passenger said “when you tell me the same thing over and over again, it is irritating” in a loud mouthy way that would indicate she is from California. Her son also had GI, and was therefore profusely vomiting, but they had a loud back and forth about whether or not there was also diarrhea. I decided he did not have GI apparently because I scratched my eye. No one in the infirmary joked around at all, the Filipino nurse said clearly to everybody that came in, including a room service guy (?) who took the GI kid back to his room in a wheelchair: “fully sanitize that chair when you are done.” And “call cleaning to have them fully sanitize that bathroom.” There were a lot of silent and serious nods. My favorite was when the nurse said “Where’s your pee!” to me, referring to a urine sample and I saw her test for something, which involved her putting in like a pH stick and going “well, you don’t have that” out loud in the bathroom.
Then more passengers came in and crew members started coming in, but the nurse made the crew members sit in the hall, behind a closed door. I think none of the crew members got helped, except for me on a fluke. After about 2.5 hours, I was told that my stomach pain is qualified as “general abdominal pain” and got hard core ibuprofen. So I decided that it was all in my head and logically celebrated with ice cream and double dessert.
To note: there is an intensive care unit in the ship’s medical center, along with an operating theater.
To note: if you stay on the ship during the longest port day, which is what I did due to my plague, you will feast your eyes on a cornucopia of very very elderly people. Most of them have the walker with the seat in it, some of them prefer to sit on that walker instead of a normal chair in the buffet, one of them prefers to do that and tuck the napkin in her collar. There is a lot of elderly hair dye going on on this cruise, and also a passenger with incredible plastic surgery. She doesn’t look like a plastic surgery widget a la Los Angeles, but she looks oddly 38 with 24 year old textured skin, and must be in her mid-60’s, because her buddy looks about that. I heard her violently flip out about white shoes and how terrible her friend/daughter’s white shoes are and how dirty they are and “she spends $200 on necklaces, you’re telling me she can’t get a new pair of white shoes???”
To note: I also witnessed an elderly take over of the buffet line. About 10 elderly adults worked in a unit and cut in front of a 30’s-ish woman. They ran around and looked serious and didn’t make eye contact holding their silverware/napkin roll and informed said 30’s-ish woman that “if we don’t want salad we can cut ahead” even though the 15-odd other people didn’t hear that rule and also that rule is a lie that they made up. Then another extremely old woman walked right in front of a cast mate and said “oh the lines must merge.” Cast mate said “no, the line is this long one and ends over there,” extremely old couple went ahead and cut. ELDERLY TYRANNY!
Tour of the Bridge
We took a tour of the bridge today. The bridge is where the captain and pilot sit and drive the boat. It was very impressive and amazing and we felt like we were intruding or witnessing Very Incredible. The first officer said quietly as we were leaving, “well…it’s pretty boring, but it’s my job ha ha ha so I guess I like it.”
The first officer’s favorite part of everything was dropping the anchor. He likes this because it “falls very fast.” You can control the speed that the anchor falls. There is a button marked “LET GO.” There is also 4 steps in dropping the anchor (like open the door, prep the anchor, something else, LET GO).
The first and second officer were also concerned with the security cameras and spent time explaining why the cameras in their bridge were better than any of the other ships. The security cameras are the brand “Silent Witness” which is terrifying. In the other ships, they are aimed on the face of the first and second officer. This is a real problem because two people were immediately fired for sleeping on watch. The guy who slept, and the guy who didn’t wake up the guy who was sleeping. They said “I mean he closed his eyes for 5 minutes!” They think this is draconian.
The bridge is very unreal, mainly because there is so much empty space. It’s a huge room with about 3 consoles to control the ship. These are massive with screens and computers and tons and tons of knobs. There is one that hangs over the port (left) side, one on the right side (starboard haaaay terminology) and one in front (…fore). The one in front has seating for 2. There is also a window above them that passengers can look down to see the officers driving the ship. The officers call this window “monkey mountain.” They do not like it when passengers tap on the glass, but they have a handy button that will close the monkey mountain window. This window goes to the Spinnaker Lounge, a huge bar/nightclubbie thing that has 70’s parties, 80’s parties, a New Year’s Eve party on the first night of the cruise EVERY cruise, random improv shows (us), and Bingo, which is silent and will put anyone in a coma, but is heavily advertised and adored by select extremely old farts.
The first officer is unwilling to explain the fuel tanks to me in a way I find satisfying, because he and everyone thinks it is obvious. They keep brushing me off with a “yeah yeah” or telling me things in cubic meters or tonnage and try to change the subject. I said “is it as big as the bridge?” and he said “well, you can see on the map, it’s about that size” which was like a ½ inch on the map and made no sense. So I said “so like, half the bridge?” and he said “…yeah sure” and I said “how tall is it? Is it like 14 feet tall?” and he said “what? No no no no” because that is obvious. Someday I WILL SEE THE FUEL!
There are also stabilizer arms that go out horizontally from the ship to stop the rocking. The tour guide thought this was obvious and boring. I was fascinated. He did not want to give measurements until I told him “so is it like 12 feet long” which is so stupid he was shocked. It is 8 meters long and about 3 meters wide. They can only put out one because there is so much drag and it eats up your fuel.
Also, the water we use? I thought we brought it all from LA. No. They desalinate ocean water. The ship uses water at a rate of 40 gallons per minute. We all thought that was insane, but 40 gallons of water for 3,000 persons? I have no idea what this means. Also, they can shift where the water is on the ship, all electronically, to stabilize it. The first officer thought it was interesting that they shift water electronically. I had no idea they even shift water. Clearly we tell jokes and make fun of things, not make machines work.
Also, the bridge is where the captain and cruise director make their announcements. The bridge is clean, silent, with a few random ficas trees, calm blue carpet, people in white uniforms and also (obviously) a 6’ tall white hand cut out of metal on two springs that waves. This is because people wave at the ship? And this way they are always waving back? The first officer was kind of confused about it. Anyway, it is dead silent. Very serene. The captain’s announcements usually go like this “uuuuh…..well……..so………..the depth of the…….uh……..ocean………..is 1200 meters! And ………uh………the wind! Is uh……going Northwest!......across the………uh……….deck……” and he randomly says hilarious things like “keep an open mind” or gets quiet and philosophical and says “good health……if you don’t have that……uh………..nothing else matters.” I mean he talks for at least 5 minutes. This makes sense when you see the bridge. They are bored. It is silent. Still, everywhere else on the ship, the passengers are kept entertained like bored little ADD gerbils. So everyone is quiet for the “good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain” and then returns to their gerbil activity which is really, let’s be honest, eating something.
Random vocab:
Hogging: if the ship bends like it is over a barrel and has a kinda hump back
Sogging: if the ship bends into a U.
There are gauges for this. Weeee-aird.
The first officer’s favorite part of everything was dropping the anchor. He likes this because it “falls very fast.” You can control the speed that the anchor falls. There is a button marked “LET GO.” There is also 4 steps in dropping the anchor (like open the door, prep the anchor, something else, LET GO).
The first and second officer were also concerned with the security cameras and spent time explaining why the cameras in their bridge were better than any of the other ships. The security cameras are the brand “Silent Witness” which is terrifying. In the other ships, they are aimed on the face of the first and second officer. This is a real problem because two people were immediately fired for sleeping on watch. The guy who slept, and the guy who didn’t wake up the guy who was sleeping. They said “I mean he closed his eyes for 5 minutes!” They think this is draconian.
The bridge is very unreal, mainly because there is so much empty space. It’s a huge room with about 3 consoles to control the ship. These are massive with screens and computers and tons and tons of knobs. There is one that hangs over the port (left) side, one on the right side (starboard haaaay terminology) and one in front (…fore). The one in front has seating for 2. There is also a window above them that passengers can look down to see the officers driving the ship. The officers call this window “monkey mountain.” They do not like it when passengers tap on the glass, but they have a handy button that will close the monkey mountain window. This window goes to the Spinnaker Lounge, a huge bar/nightclubbie thing that has 70’s parties, 80’s parties, a New Year’s Eve party on the first night of the cruise EVERY cruise, random improv shows (us), and Bingo, which is silent and will put anyone in a coma, but is heavily advertised and adored by select extremely old farts.
The first officer is unwilling to explain the fuel tanks to me in a way I find satisfying, because he and everyone thinks it is obvious. They keep brushing me off with a “yeah yeah” or telling me things in cubic meters or tonnage and try to change the subject. I said “is it as big as the bridge?” and he said “well, you can see on the map, it’s about that size” which was like a ½ inch on the map and made no sense. So I said “so like, half the bridge?” and he said “…yeah sure” and I said “how tall is it? Is it like 14 feet tall?” and he said “what? No no no no” because that is obvious. Someday I WILL SEE THE FUEL!
There are also stabilizer arms that go out horizontally from the ship to stop the rocking. The tour guide thought this was obvious and boring. I was fascinated. He did not want to give measurements until I told him “so is it like 12 feet long” which is so stupid he was shocked. It is 8 meters long and about 3 meters wide. They can only put out one because there is so much drag and it eats up your fuel.
Also, the water we use? I thought we brought it all from LA. No. They desalinate ocean water. The ship uses water at a rate of 40 gallons per minute. We all thought that was insane, but 40 gallons of water for 3,000 persons? I have no idea what this means. Also, they can shift where the water is on the ship, all electronically, to stabilize it. The first officer thought it was interesting that they shift water electronically. I had no idea they even shift water. Clearly we tell jokes and make fun of things, not make machines work.
Also, the bridge is where the captain and cruise director make their announcements. The bridge is clean, silent, with a few random ficas trees, calm blue carpet, people in white uniforms and also (obviously) a 6’ tall white hand cut out of metal on two springs that waves. This is because people wave at the ship? And this way they are always waving back? The first officer was kind of confused about it. Anyway, it is dead silent. Very serene. The captain’s announcements usually go like this “uuuuh…..well……..so………..the depth of the…….uh……..ocean………..is 1200 meters! And ………uh………the wind! Is uh……going Northwest!......across the………uh……….deck……” and he randomly says hilarious things like “keep an open mind” or gets quiet and philosophical and says “good health……if you don’t have that……uh………..nothing else matters.” I mean he talks for at least 5 minutes. This makes sense when you see the bridge. They are bored. It is silent. Still, everywhere else on the ship, the passengers are kept entertained like bored little ADD gerbils. So everyone is quiet for the “good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain” and then returns to their gerbil activity which is really, let’s be honest, eating something.
Random vocab:
Hogging: if the ship bends like it is over a barrel and has a kinda hump back
Sogging: if the ship bends into a U.
There are gauges for this. Weeee-aird.
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